


People Like Us

by precious_passenger (orphan_account)



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2014-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-02 01:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 60,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/precious_passenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is set in the second half of season three. Everything’s canon except Kurt doesn’t have a boyfriend and didn’t meet Blaine. Warning for suicide attempt, some brief yet might-get-triggering description of blood and the said attempt, in addition to occurrences of depressing and suicidal thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was four days before his final NYADA audition when Kurt committed suicide. Well, attempted suicide… technically. There weren't any rushed decisions, drastic yes, but never rushed. It had been months since the S-word was hanging over his head, clouding his every thought. Months of fighting with himself.

It all started as a normal day. He never started that day saying to himself, "hmm, what a lovely day! Let me get rid of myself this afternoon." He drove to school, went through his lessons, ate lunch with the glee kids, getting updates from them, with Rachel cancelling their NYADA-themed sleepover and Finn informing that he'd be having a late night call of duty marathon at Puck's, which was code for, "I'm going to have sex at Rachel's tonight." He drove home. Done his assignments, watched Rent, depressing but usual choice.

He had gotten into his bed, then, as he'd do most of the days. He started playing games on his phone. It was either Doodle Jump, Angry Birds or Subway Surfers, he doesn't remember and doubts it actually matters. He remembers thinking a lot during the game, nothing particular, just a cloud of sadness and general disappointment… over everything.

After a few rounds of losing, he had gotten up and sat on the floor beside his bed and drew a razor, just one slash, against his left wrist. And that's all he remembers.

Or at least that's what he'd told his therapist.

_Lies…_

You couldn't forget an experience like that no matter how old or how deranged you become. A memory like that follows through your whole lifetime. A lifetime that Kurt had chosen not to have anymore.

He remembers crying a lot, tears that broke away the numbness, mixing with the blood running down, so much blood.

He remembers pain, raw and real physical pain that overpowered the emotional one.

He remembers slipping in and out of consciousness, hearing voices, which he later on found out had been Finn. He'd been kicked out of Rachel's house after Rachel's dads had made a spontaneous plan to take the family to the theater production of "Funny Girl".

He remembers waking up, confused and disoriented. Knowing he wasn't supposed to wake up, looking up at his wrist to see the bandages.

And then talking. Seventy two hours worth of talking.

No, he didn't leave a note. He didn't know what to say, "Sorry. I was too tired to go through another day" or "Don't miss me, I'm useless"?

Blame the society, high school and everyone for yet another statistic? A number?

No, he didn't feel like having another go at the whole killing himself thing. It just felt like another thing that he'd failed and had to live with the consequences.

What was he feeling? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Why did he try to kill himself? It wasn't because he couldn't take anymore and snapped. Honestly, he was … bored.

So when he brought the razor to his wrist he'd thought to himself, " _give me one reason why not?_ "

He'd had drawn a blank. So, instead of distracting himself, like many many times before, he shrugged to himself and just did it.

He'd gone to school after the weekend. Drowned in a haze of medication and rocking out long-sleeved shirts.

He didn't tell anyone what happened and why he'd taken a long weekend off. He had no comments on the fact that he'd blown off his audition. Absolutely none.

He guessed Finn must've talked or convinced Rachel to go easy on him, judging by the somehow mild version of Rachel Berry going on and on about how could he, how _dare_ he ditch on her and how she'd blown the audition and Madam Tibbiduex away, without any actual resentment or anger directed at him.

The atmosphere in Hudson-Hummel household was... tense, to say the least. After getting discharged from the hospital and setting foot in his room again, nothing seemed to be the same. Not even his room and its newest addition, a simple rug.

He couldn't take Carole's gentle inquiries and not so subtle attempts to keep the peace or Burt's, _his dad's,_ gaze full of questions and speeches and unsaid reassuring that " _everything will be fine, son_ ". Unsaid, because he was terrified of saying the wrong thing to set Kurt off. That was why Kurt was glad mostly for the stupor only pills could provide.

But then the blow-up happened. He remembered Burt's shouts, begs for him to say something and when he noticed his dad's red face and _oh, no…his heart…_ he started to cry. The first time he cried since… He sobbed for his dad for having such a disappointment of a son, but not for himself, never again for himself.

How he managed to perform at nationals and then graduate was a mystery. As Puck sum it up nicely, "dude, you got the answers to the math test wrong. Now I'm going to fail. Even stoner Brett had more corrects than you. I should've copied from him. You sure you're ok?"

No, he wasn't ok. Even Mr. Shuester found his performance at practices cold and detached and put him in the furthest row from the audience. Well, at least they placed first and he didn't have to repeat his senior year. That's what mattered.

Summer started and now that he had more free time in his hands, his therapy sessions doubled. He managed to avoid the glee club so far. It was easy considering that most of the seniors had plans. While _his_ plan … failed, miserably.

* * *

_"How are you, son?", "I'm fine, dad."_

_"How are you?" "I'm fine, Carole."_

And a simple grunt of acknowledgment was more than enough for Finn to start the car and drive him to or from his appointments. Thank grilled Cheesus that Finn stopped talking to him after...

The suicide attempt had been a mistake. He knew that much and that's all the progress he'd come to make.

He sat in his comfy chair, staring at the various painting hanging on the wall, shooting down the ideas, the attempts his therapist made to figure him out.

He glanced at the watch in front of him, learning his forty-five minutes session was up. He couldn't wait to get out of there. Back to the soft blanket only numbness would provide.

Thinking and pondering over reasons hurts.

He sits in the waiting room while the secretary's answering a few phone calls and looking through the huge notebook holding all the future appointments. A single text from Carole had announced that she's waiting in front of the building. Kurt wished they'd stopped babysitting him and let him drive. It's not like he'd drive himself off the bridge. The Navigator is too expensive for that, he chuckled darkly to himself.

Apparently he wasn't as quiet and sneaky as he'd thought. Immediately a pair of eyes shot up and met his briefly before widening comically and looking down again.

The owner was now clutching an upside down magazine and trying hard not to stare back.

 _Cute_ , he almost sighed… and then froze.

Alarms rang in his head and all his defense walls went up on a whim.

_Not now. Please. Not again._

_Typical Kurt. Falling for the first guy who smiles at his way._

_He's_ not _gay. Every cute guy who doesn't immediately insult or degrade him doesn't mean they aren't straight as an arrow._

_And if he is gay… he's messed up. He's in a shrink office, for goodness sake._

_He's not CUTE or GAY and Kurt's definitely not FALLING for him._

_And if he by a snowball's chance in hell were all these things, no matter how messed up the mystery boy was, he'd never, ever, care for Kurt._

"Your next appointment is on Monday, sweetie." The secretary tells and that's it. He gets up. That's his cue to leave.

"You're up next, Mr. Anderson."

His path to the door is blocked by the mystery boy, _Mr. Anderson,_ who's trying to head to the office.

The boy opens the door and steps behind, a slight smirk and a slight tilt of the head offering him to pass.

_Ladies First._

Nope, just a fairly cute homophobe, definitely not gay.

Kurt steps back and waits until the boy gives up and goes inside.

Kurt sits in the car, trying to forget the entire hour and how he imagined the boy's eyes turned sad before he left.


	2. Chapter 2

If you told Kurt in the beginning of the school year he would spend his summer after graduation commuting from home to a therapist office he'd laugh at you and told you you've gone crazy.

But that's what he did. Three times a week. He began working in the garage with his dad for the rest of the day. The shop tended to get very busy in the summer. But then, Burt began to hover over him all the time. And Kurt noticed that he wouldn't let him handle wrenches and some sharp tools. He'd catch the suspicious glances which turned to awkward smiles.

After a week, he got a job at Lima Bean serving coffees and unofficially quit working at garage. He really wanted to save some money and working at garage had been ideal in the past. More breaks and less rumors behind his back. It had been safe. But now, it became stifling and was slowly driving him crazy.

He still wasn't deemed sane enough to drive by himself but he worked around a schedule which allowed him half an hour of peace and quiet before someone, who usually was Finn, came to pick him up from his therapy sessions. It had been very unsettling and he felt like he was a criminal on a house-arrest. He used his half an hour to stretch his legs on a bench near the building, and think. It was a nice change of scene from his usual thinking place, staring at the ceiling of his room.

Today had been a particularly tough session. He didn't get why his therapist always insisted on linking his suicide attempt with something from his childhood. And several exercises included closing his eyes and remembering, which Kurt was no fan of.

"Hey, you okay?" he heard a voice say and he snapped out of his daydreams. It was that patient, Mr. Anderson. He'd noticed him a few times in the passing, always making sure to avoid eye contact.

"Silly question. What I meant to say was, mind if I sit here?" the stranger said with a smile.

Kurt shook his head and removed his legs from the bench, clearing a space for the boy. He sat down immediately and put Kurt's legs back up in the bench and on his lap. Kurt lets out a squeak in surprise. But it seems that the boy doesn't realize it as he seems lost in his own world.

"Umm, sir?"

"Oh, sorry! My name's Blaine, by the way."

"I'm Kurt."

"So, tough appointment today?"

"Yeah, you could say that. Although I'm not the one gripping total stranger's legs onto my lap, so I guess yours was worse."

"Oh, I did that? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I've done it. Old habits die hard, I guess." Blaine puts his hand in his hair in confusion but manages to scoot over so they're both sitting comfortably with minimum contact.

"To answer your question, nope. I got off easy today. I only had my medication dosage change. So it's going to be a jolly good rollercoaster ride for the next few days."

"Aah, sadly I'm not there yet. I'm only a month in."

"I'm on my sixth month. Let me guess, Prozac?"

"Nope, I'm more of a Zoloft guy." Kurt jokes easily.

"I see. Do you always sit here after your sessions?"

"Yeah, I can't handle talking to people immediately after I've spent nearly an hour of deep thoughts."

"Oh, sorry, I guess, for bothering you, then. I saw you sitting there and I knew I had to talk to you."

"Don't be silly. It was a nice change." They sit in comfortable silence, Kurt very aware of the precious times slipping away.

"Blaine, accepting the risk of sounding like a therapist, why did you feel that you had to talk to me?"

"Because I didn't want you to hate me," Blaine says, his voice losing the playful tone, "I didn't know what I did that offended you."

"I don't hate you. I guess I'm kind of skittish during my appointments. And well, I kind of thought you were a homophobic ass. Well, I guess you proved today how I was wrong."

"I did? Well, I think it's impossible to be homophobic when you're in fact gay."

Kurt reminds himself he needs to breathe.

"You'd be surprised." Kurt tells him bitterly. "But yeah, you definitely fell out of homophobe category when you hugged my legs. I mean, buy me coffee first!"

"You're not going to let me live through that, are you?" Blaine sighs dramatically.

"Probably not. Listen, I'd love to chat more but…"

"You have to go?"

"Yeah, actually. I see my brother driving just around the corner."

Blaine looks around until he spots Finn's car. "Oh, okay. I guess. Nice talking to you." He seems sad again, and so lost.

He doesn't reply to Kurt's _"Goodbye"_.

"Kurt, wait!" he hears him call, running over beside him.

"Would you be my friend?"

"What are we, kindergarten kids?" Kurt asks, shocked.

"No we're not. But I really need a friend right now." He looks like he's on the verge of tears and his voice breaks twice.

"Well then. I guess I could be a friend." Kurt feels the sudden need to comfort the boy.

"My appointment's same time, next week. See you then?"

"Okay, see you."

He watches Blaine practically skip toward the parking lot.

Well, _that,_ was weird.


	3. Chapter 3

That night after dinner, Kurt was surprised when Burt volunteered to do the dishes with him. He suspected something was up. He was soon proved right when Burt cleared his throat and awkwardly put the dishtowel down.

“How are you, kid?”

Kurt resisted rolling his eyes, knowing it would ruin the effect of his reply, “I’m fine, dad.”

“So, Finn tells me that he saw you talking with a boy today, care to explain?”

_Oh, so Finn actually talks. Only not in front of me._

“It’s nothing important, dad. Finn is just over-reacting. He’s just another patient and we’ve been talking, end of story.”

“I just wanted to tell that if you wanted to hang out more with him, it’s more than fine with me. I’m surprised that you’re not throwing a fit over not driving your car.”

“Isn’t that my punishment? For, you know, killing myself?”

Kurt sees his father flinch and curses under his breath.

“It’s never been a punishment. I’ve been talking to your physiatrist and she shares my concern about your lack of social life.” Kurt groans at that. “No, don’t make that face at me. You can drive your car to see this guy or whatnot, all I ask is you let me know, beforehand.”

“That’s ridiculous. I have plenty of social life. I meet tons of people in the coffee shop.”

“Do you want to get your car back or not?”

“Fine. Thanks, dad,” Kurt replies grumpily.

The rest of the week sucked. Carole refused to make up excuses for the few glee members who called that Kurt couldn’t answer the phone right now. Burt was on his case for going out and having more fun. It might seem like a dream come true to most of kids he knew, but not him. Talking to random strangers, or even the few ones he managed to remember, seemed too much effort. He was going through the motions of being normal. And if he didn’t actually _feel_ normal? Well, screw normal.

Kurt was lost in his thoughts, enjoying the change of scene. He could see different groups of people rushing to get to their destination, passing him before he could study them more carefully. Some talking, laughing or just looking down, minding their own business. It was all so alive that seemed surreal. 

He saw Blaine looking dejected when he exited. As he walked closer to the bench Kurt grew a bit nervous. Maybe Blaine didn’t really mean that they should meet up next week. Maybe he did it to be nice. Sad, pathetic Kurt. Even random strangers felt responsible to cheer him up.

He could pinpoint the moment that Blaine glanced at the bench and noticed him. His entire face changed and broke into a brilliant smile. As if to get even more obvious, the boy decided to run, waving his hand all the way to Kurt.

“Hey, Kurt! You’re here.”

“Hello to you too!” Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at the enthusiastic boy.

“I need to sit down,” Blaine said and proceeded to do so.

“So, how shitty was your day?” he asks and Kurt smiles easily. He can get used to this.

“Pretty shitty.”

“Ah, same. Is it just me or the way Susan taps on the armchair when she’s waiting for you to talk makes you want to melt into the floor.”

“Susan?”

“Oh, cute little soul sucking redhead monster?” when he saw Kurt’s even more confused look, he sighed dramatically, “Dr. Crazy?”

“You mean, Dr. Adams! No, I hadn’t noticed it, but I have a feeling I wouldn’t stop noticing it from now on.”

“Oops, my bad!” Blaine yawns. “Sorry, these sessions always makes me so tired.”

Kurt also yawns and stretches. Blaine watches him in amusement. Kurt notices when his face falls, but before he can question it Blaine points at his wrist, “what happened?”

_The scar._

Kurt regretted a lot of things that afternoon. So many things had gone wrong. But one of the things he regretted most was the place of the scar. He had to accessorize it with either a bracelet or cover it with long sleeves. He had both but it was highly inconvenient for summer and his clothing choices weren’t cooperating and the scar often reared its ugly head in front of his, and now Blaine’s eyes.

“Oh, umm. It’s nothing. Just an accident at work.” 

“Okay.” Blaine says in a quiet voice.

An awkward silence falls.

“I’m sorry.” They both say at the same time and the mood softens.

“What do you say we go get something to eat?” Kurt says.

“Coffee sounds good.”

“Oh, no, please. I think I’ve gone allergic to coffee ever since I started working in Lima Bean. Even the smell gives me headaches. I saw an ice-cream place on my way over. Do you want to go?” 

“Duh!”

Kurt sends a text to his dad and receives the ecstatic response when he spots the little ice-cream shop. Blaine didn’t ask any uncomfortable questions, much to Kurt’s relief. He didn’t even seem to mind when Kurt explained he didn’t like to listen to music in his car. He even looked a bit relieved.

Speaking of uncomfortable questions.

“Top three embarrassing moments of your life, go!” Blaine bellowed.

“I got drunk twice in high school. The first one I threw up on my super neat guidance councilor, the second one I started to cry and tell everyone in the party that I loved them.”

“Aw, that’s adorable.”

“No, it really isn’t. I apparently got all sentimental and mushy and everyone wouldn’t stop making fun of it until the end of junior year.”

“Come on, tell me the third one.”

“Umm, the third one is kind of tame. It was my freshman year and I didn’t have a car and had to go to school by bus. I just closed my eyes and let my head rest beside the window, when I felt someone touching my hand.”

Blaine’s eyes bugged out, “so, a crazy old creep?”

“Haha, no. The person hadn’t let go of my hand and I opened my eyes, planning to run out, when I see it’s a harmless looking old lady, seeming quite terrified. She was checking my pulse. She claimed I was too pale to be alive.”

“You’re kidding! Now, I don’t have anything to top that. I don’t even remember most of my getting drunk stories. I’m sad. I’ve been told I’m a hilarious drunk.”

They entered the shop and said their orders, Kurt chose vanilla flavor and Blaine chose every color of rainbow the store offered. Kurt paid the cashier, much to Blaine’s pouting. They stood there, watching the guy making a show of putting ice-cream on the cones. He began tapping his fingers idly on the counter.

He felt a warm hand on his wrist, tugging the sleeve back on his exposed skin. He looked back, shocked at the sudden contact, feeling the scar tingling.

“Don’t want others to see your accident mark.” Blaine whispered mysteriously, before turning his gaze away to retrieve the ice creams and moving to a random table in the corner.


	4. Chapter 4

Blaine is quite a chatterbox, Kurt finds out soon. Kurt is giving only his usual one-word responses, but it seems like Blaine doesn't mind. He only needs reminding to eat his ice cream to keep it from melting into his hand. It's not like Rachel Berry-madness babbling or when Mercedes is gushing about a cute boy. For once, Kurt is actually able to follow what the boy is talking about, which now seems to be about this amazing place he went for lunch.

He studies Blaine's body language from the corner of his eye. He seems well at ease with his surroundings and whenever his hand brushes with Kurt's, his reaction is far from repulsed grimace he'd seen from other boys or his own blushing and stuttered "sorry" utterance. He even lets his hand linger for a second or two, as if to reassure Kurt that he doesn't mind the contact. Whatever story he'd come up with that first day he met Blaine Anderson, this didn't fit with any version of it. This boy seemed way too happy and _normal_ to be going to therapy sessions at least once a week. Unless…

"Schizophrenia?" he asks before it registers in his mind that he had done so. He immediately bites down his lip and looks down, mortified.

There are few beats of silence in which Kurt silently comes up with plans to disappear or melt into the ground, and he sees Blaine's shaking hands on the table. What snaps Kurt out of his panic-ridden thoughts is the sounds of chuckles which soon erupt into uncontrollable giggles from the boy sitting across from him.

"No, I'm not schizophrenic. Sorry to disappoint. Just plain old bland depression with a couple of boring PTSDs thrown in the mix." Blaine explains with a slight smile, but his expression is nervous and closed. Kurt is basically a qualified actor and can decipher different expressions easily, no matter how much the other person tries to show otherwise. He knows that a tilt of head and a minimal adjustment of lips can be used to show that a person is content and relaxed but he also notices Blaine clutching the ice cream cone, the sweetened liquid dripping on his hand, but it seems that Blaine doesn't notice it. He sees the slight, involuntary tremor on the corner of his mouth which is a sign for muffled whimpers.

He finds himself reaching for the other boy, to smooth the creases on his forehead, to put the carefree look back on his face, he doesn't know. But his hand finds place on Blaine's shoulder, rubbing the tensed muscle for some seconds before he feels Blaine finally relax under his touch.

"Just depressed," he announces, gesturing with his other hand to himself, with an exaggerated proud smile. It works and Blaine laughs. Kurt removes his hand, after giving one final squeeze. "No more crazy talk, okay?"

Blaine nods his head gratefully and finishes his ice cream in silence. Kurt studies his movements curiously, not even noticing how he'd been staring at the boy until he heard the said boy clearing his throat self consciously and saying, "It's getting dark in about an hour. Is it okay if we head back?"

With that they get up from the table and move to Kurt's car. Kurt wouldn't admit that he's silently planning the longest route back to the parking lot, no sir.

* * *

"Is it okay to turn on the radio?" Kurt asks, feeling a bit guilty for not being a good friend, _is that what he was?_ , and wanting to somehow make Blaine feel more relaxed.

"Sure, go ahead. But I have control over the channels," he teases solemnly.

"Deal, but I have veto power." Kurt smiles back.

"Deal."

Kurt checks his blind spots as Blaine plays with different buttons on the radio. He doesn't recognize the song immediately but Blaine stops on a specific channel, humming to himself.

 _And there's two more lonely people_  
In the world tonight  
Baby, you and I  
Are just two more lonely people  
Who gave up the fight

Kurt muses to Blaine, "Miley used to be so good, you know, before her career fell into shit." And Blaine hums in agreement.

_If love don't change your mind  
Then there's two more lonely people tonight_

They listen to a song that none of them would probably admit they have listened to countless times in a silent bliss. The song ends and Blaine makes grabby hands at the radio, "No, Miley, come back."

Kurt throws his head back and laughs. The next song also happens to be hauntingly familiar. It's been such a long time since Kurt had listened to music so it takes a moment to recognize the song.

 _I'm sitting across from you_  
And dreaming of the things I do  
I don't speak, you don't know me at all

He hears Blaine singing to himself in at least an octave lower than the singer. He's mesmerized by the harmony of two beautiful voices and how Blaine's voice is full of emotion. When Kurt risks a glance at Blaine's direction he has a faraway look on his face, lost in memories, he supposes.

 _You mean the world to me but you'll never know_  
You could be cruel to me  
While we're risking the way that I see you  
That I see you

Kurt lets himself get lost in his thoughts as well and reminisce over his past, when the future was brighter and not this bleak abstract of "whatever"-ness he feels right now.

_You never knew me at all but I see you  
But I see you_

He can no longer hear the strong tenor in the background so he looks curiously at Blaine, only to find that the boy is looking at him with a strange awestruck expression.

"Your voice is beautiful," Blaine says dazedly. Kurt didn't even realize that he'd started singing the chorus but stops immediately. Blaine continues nevertheless, "it's amazing, your voice is so unique. I swear it's the same pitch as the singer. I'd do anything to be able to sing like you"

_Freak._

_You sing like a girl._

His hands shake on the steering wheel. He stops the car when he feels it sway dangerously under his hand. He's not going to have an accident the first day he gets his car back. Blaine touches his shoulder and he jerks away, his other shoulder hitting hard against the window.

_You do realize that this song is meant to be sung by a woman?_

_The girl's bathroom is next door._

"Change the channel," he states without any emotion.

"What?" the boy looks at him dumbfounded and Kurt almost shouts at him, "I'm using my veto power. Change the fucking channel."

Blaine wastes no time and turns off the radio immediately. Kurt focuses on breathing regularly through his nose. Drawing slow, exaggerated breaths.

"Do you want me to drive?" Blaine asks when Kurt starts the car.

"Don't worry. I'm fine. I won't get you killed." Blaine doesn't say anything. He continues to stare at Kurt, his eyes gone wide and his hands in front of him like he's approaching a wounded animal.

"I'm sorry." Kurt whispers, looking straight ahead.

Blaine shrugs and smiles to assure Kurt that it's okay. He then proceeds to an elaborate competition with himself in spotting different cars.

"Yellow car." Blaine almost jumps up in his seat in excitement.

"So, let me get this straight. Each time you see a yellow car you have to say…"

"Yellow car. Yes, Kurt. You're so smart." Blaine rolls his eyes.

"Are there even that many yellow cars in Lima?"

"You'd be surprised. Of course, I have other variations."

"Such as?"

"Black car. Motorbike. Ice-cream truck." Blaine shrugs, staring eagerly outside the window, rubbing his hands together.

"But when does this game end?"

"Oh, it never ends." Blaine replies solemnly.

 _Forest Gump,_ passes quickly in Kurt's mind and he bits back his laughter. Blaine's eyes scan him nonetheless and he returns his smile.

Finally they reach their destination, to the building when it holds many bad memories for both of them. But right now, it's hard to remember any.

"Can I have your number?" Blaine asks shyly and both boys blush. "You know, this was nice. I mean, friendly nice. Not… But, if you want to do this again…" Kurt laughs silently at Blaine's rambling, squashing the butterflies in his stomach as he hands out his phone.

Blaine types out enthusiastically, almost dropping the phone in the floor in his haste before offering a warm, genuine smile and wave. He skips before Kurt has a chance to say goodbye. Kurt waves back, even though the boy is several feet away.

He drives back home, only then noticing the time and how he'd been filled by images and thoughts of _Blaine,_ instead of his usual pity party.

Well, except from his near breakdown. But, he managed to not scare Blaine away. He even got his number. Kurt fist-pumps the air and laughs giddily. The sound feels odd and he can feel adrenaline rushing in his ways, making him see…colors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two More Lonely People – Miley Cyrus  
> I See You - Mika


	5. Chapter 5

When Kurt woke up, it was still dark outside. Typical morning for Kurt Hummel. He put his hand over his chest, willing the heartbeat to slow down as he pondered over the dream. It had been such a long time since he had nightmares about various memories of his time at McKinley. He didn't know if it was a good sign or bad. After his suicide attempt the pills knocked him out cold, providing a shallow but restful sleep. Now that he was on a different, milder medication, the nightmares were back. Kurt wondered briefly if he should mention to Blaine that he wasn't on Zoloft, that he'd lied so he wouldn't seem like a pathetic gay teen depending on sedatives to go through his life. He shook his head at himself. Too early. He only met Blaine once. It was so like Kurt to get too friendly, too quick, he scolded himself.

Kurt got up, stretching his arms and rubbing his sleepy eyes. He decided on a long shower to get ready for a busy day in coffee shop. He worked part-time, because that was how much the manager afforded to pay him. He took orders and cleaned the tables and washed the dishes. The last two were the most relaxing and mind numbing activity. Taking orders… not so much. He had to be careful that the scar on his wrist didn't show up and gross the customers when he was busy taking notes. He also had to pay attention to the nuances each person had and be extra polite even when they behaved like shit, for a couple more dollars of tip.

No, Kurt wasn't going to think like that. It was a job, an activity to keep him busy and his parents and therapist happy.

He turned on the shower and sighed. He had a hectic day ahead and this shower was going to be the only opportunity to prepare himself for it.

* * *

Kurt's phone rang in his pocket. He politely thanked the elderly couple and nearly rolled his eyes. If the caller was Carole, or worse, his dad, reminding him to eat breakfast he was going to flip out. Kurt wasn't a kid needing to be reminded of his daily routines. There were just some times that he couldn't convince himself to put the food in his mouth. The thought of food was enough to make him sick. So what that he skipped breakfast or lunch …or dinner. He ate plenty enough. More than he deserved, really.

His internal discussion hit pause when he saw the number calling him. He glanced around to make sure nobody was there to nag for not giving service to customers before answering.

"Blaine?"

"Hello, stranger!" Blaine's chipper voice was…refreshing, to say the least. Kurt could feel a small smile tugging on his lips.

"Hi," he replied shyly.

"So, I was thinking…yesterday I kept going on and on about this amazing place I had lunch at and then I noticed, silly me, you must've wanted to see there."

"Oh, it's alright."  
"Anyway, I'm planning to go again today, you wanna come?"

"Actually Blaine, I'm working."

"So, we'll go when you're on your break. I'll come pick you up." Blaine argued.

The boy wasn't getting the hint now, was he?

"Listen, Blaine…"

"Kurt, be honest. Do you actually have any plans for lunch today?"

"No, but…" he looked around, trying to come up with an excuse.

"So, it's settled. Consider yourself kidnapped." Blaine told happily.

"You don't even know where I am." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"I'll hunt down every coffee place in Lima and I'll find you." Blaine's attempt at sounding menacing was less than convincing. "But it might help if you actually tell me where you work your magic."

Oh, well. He couldn't escape it. He sighed, resigned.

"I'm working in Lima Bean. Do you know where it is?"

"Do gays like fashion?" Kurt laughed at that.

"Did you just stereotype yourself?"

"Yep. See you in say, two hours?"

"Fine, see you."

Kurt doesn't notice Blaine arriving an hour later. He's too busy dodging the spit drops from the middle age woman, complaining her iced tea was too cold.

* * *

They drove in Kurt's car, with Blaine eagerly providing direction. Neither of them had touched the radio. It seemed that Blaine didn't want to push him to his limits like, _was it only just yesterday?_

"We're here!" he announced proudly after Kurt pulled to a stop.

The place had a glass display and somebody decided to say "hell to the no" to design and throw whatever paint it could find on it. On the very top there was a rather comical drawing of a girl eating several sandwiches at once with a writing saying, "Snow White and the Seven Hotdogs".

"What is this place?" Kurt took in his surroundings in utter shock.

"Told you it was amazing." Blaine clapped his hands happily.

"The display is a girl stuffing her face in sandwiches, how is that amazing?"

"They're hotdogs." Blaine replied, as if it made a difference. "It promotes healthy body image."

"Healthy body image, my ass. The title looks like a bad porn movie." Kurt grumbled loudly.

Blaine's eyes widened in surprise and he stepped away, looking mock scandalized.

"Only you, Kurt. Only you."

But when they entered, the place got even more interesting.

"It's a freaking kid's place. It's got high chairs and toys…"

"Yeah, amazing…" Blaine sighed happily, oblivious to Kurt's growing disbelief.

"Color books, Blaine…they have color books." He muttered.

They order two specials, which of course came with a toy box and a paper hat. Kurt was too hungry to even suggest going to another place. Besides, he has to be blind not to see that Blaine is too happy, laughing with the kids and playing, yes _playing,_ with the toys set on each table, so he didn't have the heart to put his foot down and sulk too much about it.

"Can you fit in there?" he points out a swing clearly meant for toddlers.

"I could try," Blaine muses, as if debating the possibility.

"Are you even real?"

Blaine poked his arm with a toy soldier.

"Ow," Kurt rubbed the spot. That thing was hard.

Blaine got up when their number got called.

"Yep, very real."

* * *

It's been a week of this weird friendship and Kurt and Blaine could be rarely seen apart. Blaine had soon become one of the regulars in Lima Bean. The first one in and the last one out. He usually had a laptop or a magazine with him and claimed to be there because of the free Wifi. But, he would patiently wait for Kurt's breaks or distract him when difficult customers were giving him hell.

So, it had been easy to lose the track of the time while they got cooped up yet again in the ice-cream shop as a not so celebratory occasion of their one week friendship. The conversation had been flowing easily and no longer one-sided, Kurt noticed in surprise.

It was already getting dark when he brought Blaine back to the parking lot across the therapy office. Like last time he watched Blaine disappear without a proper goodbye.

Kurt had just finished washing his face when he heard his phone ring. It was Blaine. He looked at the time. If it had been a year ago, he would be too busy putting a goop of lotion on his face to notice or even react to the sound.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kurt. How's it going? Long time, no see, huh?"

Something was off, Kurt knew right away.

"Blaine, we just met. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Does something have to be wrong so I could call my friend?"

By that time Blaine's voice was shaking uncontrollably. Kurt could only imagine the look on his face.

"Blaine?" his voice came out barely a whisper.

"Kurt, could you talk to me, please?"

"Talk to you?" Kurt felt like a parrot, repeating, but the boy didn't make any sense. He listened carefully to the background noises on his cell.

"Blaine, are you outside?"

"Yes, I am. I missed the last bus. So, I have to walk home. Jolly good." Blaine laughed, but it sounded like he was sobbing. Kurt immediately grabbed his car keys and jacket, heading straight outside.

"Where are you? Do you want me to come and get you?"

"No, I'm fine."

Kurt stood in the front porch, unsure what to do.

"Kurt, Kurt, are you there?" Blaine's voice was filled with panic and it slashed at Kurt's heart.

"I'm here. Don't be scared. I'm thinking how to get your ass rescued. Are you far from the parking lot I dropped you off?"

Blaine told him the approximate address he was in, which was one or two bus stops away. He would get there normally in less than half an hour. Kurt jumped inside the car. He could make it in fifteen minutes.

"It's so dark, Kurt."

Kurt cursed under his breath. He put the phone on speaker and started the car. Then he remembered something his parents, especially his mom, did to keep him calm.

"I'm coming right where you are, okay? Just find someplace and sit. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, I'm sitting."

"Okay, very well. Now sing something, anything that comes to mind."

"What?" Blaine's voice sounded less squeaky and terrified. He sounded more like himself. Good.

"Come on. Don't argue. Sing." Kurt told him encouragingly.

Silence filled the car and Kurt opened his mouth to speak when he heard a soft voice pouring in the speakers.

_"You think I'm pretty ,without any make-up on … You think I'm funny, when I tell the punch line wrong… I know you get me, so I'll let my walls come down, down"_

Blaine messed up the lyrics and missed a few words, but Kurt could hardly blame him. But he could hear that Blaine wasn't on the verge of losing it. He could feel himself relax with the boy.

_"You make me … Feel like I'm living a, teenage dream"_

However the comfortable bubble was burst by Blaine panicky voice. "Kurt, I think something's coming in my way."

"I'm on the road. I'll be there in less than ten minutes."

"I'm going to see what it is. Will you tell my parents that I'm sorry and I loved them, okay?"

A few minutes silence filled the car. There was no answers to Kurt's panicked "Blaine?" calls.

"It was a can of coke," came Blaine's relieved voice. "I nearly wet myself for a can of coke. Can you believe that? How pathetic is that?"

Blaine was really sobbing by then. Kurt cursed himself and his helplessness. He couldn't calm the boy down by muttering "Shh" over and over. His voice wavered a second and his heart beat rapidly while he tried to force himself go through his plan.

_"Do, A deer, a female deer...Re, A drop of golden sun."_

His throat was blocked and he said brokenly, "come on, Blaine. Sing with me. I'm revoking your gay card if you don't know this song." _  
"Mi, A name I call myself…Fa, A long, long way to run."_

Blaine joined him only to chant the notes, _"So", "La", "Ti"_. He took the lead on the second time.  
 _"That will bring us back to Do... oh oh oh"_

How many times they had repeated the song over and over again, Kurt didn't know. But he could pinpoint the exact moment when he saw the curly head with his head bowed and his phone clutched tightly in his hand.

"Blaine, honey. Look up. I'm right here."

Kurt find himself parking the car in a side of the road and holding the boy tightly to his chest in no time. Blaine was shaking, his entire frame wrecked by whimper and trembles. When his sobs died down, Kurt held his arms, slightly shaking him.

"Blaine, you silly goose. Why didn't you tell me you don't have a car? I would've dropped you off at your place."

Blaine led him back to his car, never letting his hand go. The tear tracks were visible on his face and he was white as sheet.

"I wasn't sure if I could ask you that. We've only been friends for a week. Can we go inside the car now?"

"I can't believe it. You're terrified of dark and now you're shying away from me."

He took Blaine's cold cheeks in his hands. "Blaine, listen to me. This is serious. I want you to be honest with me. No more shyness, okay? You're going to be as shy as a stripper with me."

Blaine laughed at that. Kurt was glad to see that the color was slowly returning to his face.

"Who's the freak now? So eager to get me out of my clothes now, huh?"

"You wish."

"Oh, I do." Blaine attempted to bat his eyelashes and failed miserably.

"Really, Blaine, really? Get out of my car, you creep." Kurt shooed him away, nearly shaking in laughter.

They had reached Blaine's house in less than three minutes and were stalling for some time.

"Thank you, Kurt. For today… and everything."

"Don't make a habit of it." Kurt teases to lighten the suddenly tense mood.

"I'm serious, Kurt. I owe you, heaps."

And with that he opened the door and leapt out of the car. Kurt shook his head in amusement. He waited until the boy got inside, not wanting to risk another meltdown.

Blaine turned around, searching his bag in a sudden distress. Did he forget something? His keys, his phone? Kurt turned the extra light in the car on to inspect it more carefully. His phone buzzed once.

_In my old school, my date and I were attacked during the Sadie Hawkins dance._

"What?" Kurt bellowed loudly, looking up to meet Blaine's sad eyes. Blaine was crying again, a single finger on his lips, a sign for silence. He shook his head when he saw Kurt getting out of the car and mouthed,"Talk to you later," before turning away to the open door and going in the house.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teenage Dream – Katy Perry  
> Do, Re, Mi – Julie Andrews


	6. Chapter 6

Kurt didn't realize how he got home or how he managed to start the car and move from the front of Anderson household. He stumbled on Finn's bag thrown carelessly on the floor and grumbled under his breath all the way to his room. He sprawled across his bed and closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. A sharp knock on the door interrupted his medication and he groaned loudly, offering the friendliest "come in" he could manage. His dad's face appeared on the doorstep and Kurt sat up, unsure of what to do or how to react. Burt seemed to be hesitant too, like he didn't know how he ended up in the room. Kurt watched his dad scan his room and couldn't help but throw a few glances around himself. Most of his clothes and accessories, his collection of scarves were untouched. His laptop hadn't been turned on in days. The only change over the day was a pack of nutrition bar Carole left on the kitchen counter for him that he forgot to return in to its box. In short, his room was too neat. Of course, he was never the one to keep his stuff in a Finn-level chaos, but his room felt like he had graduated and left…or died.

Kurt shuddered at that thought. He wondered who had been the one cleaning his room after… Did his dad see all that blood? Is that the cause of all the cautious observation? Did they just rolled up the rug and threw it out or just stared at it for days, unsure of what to do and how to approach his crazy suicidal son?

Burt cleared his throat once and Kurt tensed up. "Kurt, buddy, you got home a bit late. I…I guess I just wanted to check on you. See if you're okay…"

"I'm fine, dad." Kurt replied on auto-pilot, then after second thought added, "I lost track of the time. I was with Blaine."

Burt smiled warmly at that. "Good. That's good. So you had dinner, then?"

"Umm, yeah." _Ice cream was dinner…kind of._

"He's treating you right?" Burt asked calmly, his eyes glistening dangerously.

"Dad, please. We're just friends…and yes, he's treating me right." _When he isn't the main cause of giving me gray hair._

"Okay, then. I guess I should let you sleep. You've got to get up early tomorrow. Goodnight son."

"Night, dad." Kurt said and they stared at each other for a long moment. It seemed like Burt wanted to reassure himself that his son would still be there, alive and breathing in the morning. Kurt was also fighting the tightness in his throat and how tears suddenly filled his eyes. The distance between father and the son was back full force and Kurt had no idea how he could fix it, or even if it could be fixed. He only knew that there seemed to be an invisible wall in front of him, forbidding him of hugging his dad and it seemed that the feeling wasn't one-sided.

Kurt leaned back on his bed with a thump, turning off the light, not caring about changing his clothes or even brushing his teeth. He looked at his phone, pushing a random button when the screen dimmed. He stared at the message until sleep took him in.

_In my old school, my date and I were attacked during the Sadie Hawkins dance._

* * *

Kurt bolted upright in his bed, sweating and breathing hard like he'd been running a marathon.

Screaming. His nightmare had been about screaming. He'd been having a day, like usual, but he screamed and yelled at everyone. His dad, Carole, Finn, that old couple in the coffee shop…and Blaine.

When he calmed down enough, he realized he'd fallen asleep with his phone in his hands. He checked the time, three in the morning. Great, just great.

He tried to empty his mind, imagining a blank canvas, simple tricks that his therapist told him but one single splash of paint wouldn't just leave. Blaine and what should Kurt do with him?

He's going to talk to Blaine tomorrow when he came to the coffee shop. How dare he spring this information on him without any real explanation?

Kurt remembered the street he'd found Blaine in. It hadn't been that dark. Kurt had been able to spot Blaine from a distance without turning his lights on. But Blaine had been trembling in his arms like he'd seen a ghost.

He moved to his desk, ripping out a page from his notebook and wrote the first sentence.

_How to deal with Blaine Anderson:_

He crossed out the sentence a few times, until he came up with, " _How should I be around Blaine_ ".

Immediately he listed some of Blaine's personality traits that had come to light over the past week. PTSD and depression could be related to the attack, whatever it was. Was it an animal attack, were they mugged…and Kurt spared the last, scariest thought, afraid to voice it out…was he gay-bashed?

Kurt snapped out of his daydreams and realized that the page was now full of full hearts with _K+B_ drawn in different places. There was also some drawings of what seemed to be a stickman with massive case of curls and a smiley face, holding hands with another taller, unhappy stickman. Kurt blushed and tossed the paper in the trash can.

Whatever all this was and no matter how muchKurt wanted to shake the boy and demand that he'd spill all his dark secrets to him, he couldn't do it. Not with Blaine. For whatever reason Blaine had chosen to stick with him and never complained when Kurt was on a bitchy mood or avoided to open up about a subject. He was going to respect the boy, he decided.

He turned to a new page. He was going to follow one simple rule.

 _How should I be around Blaine_.

_Just ask yourself: What would Blaine Anderson do? and do it the best way you can._

He stared at the line he'd just written, smiling and satisfied. He's got to go shopping tomorrow…

* * *

Blaine, however, didn't come when he usually did. Kurt often glanced at the door and more than once debated texting the boy. The customers didn't let him have a moment to breathe, either. They took ages to order and when they finally decided on something, they complained about it not being right. His boss gave him an evil eye and he was lectured for ten straight minutes for the amount of complaints she received from his poor service. It didn't help his case that he was fifteen minutes late to his shift, he had to look around in a few more shops than he originally planned.

Kurt was visibly shaking in anger and he could feel his fake smile stretch across his order as he waited a group of teenagers trying to decide and calculate their orders. He glanced around and there was Blaine, looking somberly at him from his usual face. He had to wait a few more minutes before getting to Blaine.

"You should quit your job here, they treat you like shit." Blaine stated bluntly.

Kurt rolled his eyes and ignored his comment.

"Are you ready to order?"

"No, I just want you…sitting here, I mean." Blaine muttered miserably, not looking him in the eyes and Kurt immediately felt a pang in his chance. He could afford a break. Or rather, he couldn't make himself care about the scolding.

"Okay, I'm here. Talk to me," he said, his hand unsurely hovering over Blaine's outstretched one, clasping the salt container.

"There's nothing to talk about," Blaine stated in a sad voice.

"You could start by saying why you arrived late?" Kurt asked, worried by the shrunken boy.

"I had an emergency appointment for… you know, for my panic attack." Blaine said, now staring at his hands. Kurt nodded and took the pepper container and twirled it once.

"Do you want me to get you a coffee?" he offered when the silence dragged on.

"It's just paralyzing me and I can't stop seeing it… are they memories or nightmares, I don't know…but I hate it, I hate being this weak."

"You're not weak, Blaine." Kurt started, but Blaine held up a hand, cutting him off effectively.

"I can't sleep without a night light. I have to hug Mr. Fuzzy or I'll wake up screaming and crying. Most of the times I behave like I'm a fucking six year old, because my mind apparently likes to go back to when it was a kid…" He laughed bitterly and the sound raised goose bumps on the back of Kurt's neck. He began slowly drawing shapes on Blaine's palm, but the boy didn't seem to notice.

"Or at least, that's what Susan thinks." The earliest time Dr. Adams admitted patients was twelve o'clock. It was nearly one o'clock now. Blaine must've come here right after his appointment. He got up from his seat without even registering in his mind that he'd done so, ignoring the sad, terrified look Blaine gave at the possibility of Kurt abandoning him and slid to Blaine's side, pulling him in a hug.

"She calls it "Playful Blaine"…fuck playful Blaine." Blaine sobbed on his shoulder.

"I feel fake, Kurt. I feel like a coward." Kurt hummed a random tune under his breath, knowing that it wouldn't matter how many times Kurt told him that he was brave and strong and beautiful. Blaine calmed down after a few minutes, only sniffling sadly, head resting on Kurt's shoulder. It was very natural for Kurt at that moment to dry Blaine's eyes with a soft napkin on the table and then lean in and gently place a kiss on his cheek. It seemed that neither of them cared about their surroundings and were just wrapped inside a bubble with only the two of them in it.

"Teenage Dream?" Blaine whispered, and then Kurt realized what he'd been humming. He nodded and Blaine pulled away from the hug, glancing at the room with cautious eyes. Kurt returned to his previous seat in front of Blaine.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I got a present for you." Kurt remembered suddenly.

He pulled the object from the pocket of his apron, placing it in Blaine's hand. Blaine seemed to be in utter shock, looking as if he'd lost the function in his hands. He managed to smile after a soft "go on," encouragement from Kurt.

He pressed the heart on the pig and two bright lights shined from the pig's nose right in his face. Blaine let out a startled yelp and blinked dazedly. He then began giggling and twirling the toy pig slash flashlight in his fingers. He then flashed the light at Kurt's face, his voice growly and low.

"Confess, Kurt Hummel. Where did you hide the body?"

"Oh, I swear, officer. I don't know what you are talking about." Kurt played along, barely containing his laughter.

"Hummel! Those tables aren't going to clean themselves." A sharp shrill of voice called out from the registry table.

"Fuck you too." Kurt muttered, getting up. Blaine held Kurt's hand and gave it a soft squeeze, his eyes overflowing with the gratefulness his brain couldn't find the words to voice it.

"I'm here," he managed to finally say.

"I know," Kurt squeezed back and turned to face his angry boss.


	7. Chapter 7

Some days Kurt’s biggest accomplishment was getting out of the bed. Some days the temptation to just stay in his pajamas and call in sick at work was so so much. These days often occurred the days Blaine said he had other plans and couldn’t meet or when he had a tough appointment the previous day with Doctor Adams. Everything just seemed bleak and all the progress he’d supposedly made was just an illusion. What was the point of getting better when all it took was one bad day and he’d crash down right back to that depression hole? Was that another trick his mind was playing on him, to make him build this hope of being better when he was still the same crap he’d been for over a year? Maybe there was no getting better.

Yeah, Doctor Adams could say whatever she wanted about all the progress he’d made in this week. That he’s opening up more or he’s participating more in his treatment. That he should quit being so pessimistic and seeing things in only black or white. But, the truth can’t be ignored or sugar coated, not anymore. He still needed three appointments each week and he still had to take his medication every morning, as well as sleeping pills for some sleepless nights to barely get through the day.

Then there was working in Lima Bean, the only resemblance of normalcy Kurt had in his life. But, when everything else felt like, at its best, a mess, having a group of people with the same expectations as they would of a normal person was too much effort. For Kurt, getting up and changing to his uniform was a challenge and more often than not required some pep-talk or choice words. Now, his boss complained of not acting cheerful enough and being late, or nagged him to work quicker when his brain felt squishy and slow.   

His phone rang and he answered it quickly, desperate for a distraction.

“Kurt, my man. How are you, dude?” Sam’s voice called out from his phone and Kurt couldn’t help but smile a bit.

“I’m fine. How’s it going?” he asked lamely.

“You know, the usual. I’m hanging out mostly with Mercedes, helping her pack. She’s leaving in two weeks to LA.”

“Oh…” He didn’t know that Mercedes was leaving. He barely even remembered which college she got accepted.

“Which reminds me, we’re throwing a goodbye party in the Breadsticks tonight, you know, for everyone. You’ll be there, right?”

Seeing the glee club again, all the kids who’d be leaving by the end of the summer. Acting extra cheerful and happy again. It just didn’t make him feel like he belonged.

“Sam, I…I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I can’t… ” he answered weakly, feeling guilty. His therapist could go on and on about meeting his old friends and expanding his social life, but Kurt wasn’t ready to take that step. Not now.

“But everyone’s there, man. Well, I mean, everyone who could make it. We’ve missed you and what else do you have to do on a Friday night besides hanging out with us?” Sam’s laugh was too bright and Kurt could feel his disappointment over the phone.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I just can’t make it,” he told and hung up. He went on ignoring other phone calls from Artie, Puck, Mercedes and Quinn.   

He ended up locking himself up in the empty house and watching some mindless television in his room, Carole and Burt were off to dinner with some friends and Finn didn’t come back from the party until very late.

The next day he intended to have a repeat of last night, but Blaine came bright and early, barely seven in the morning, to his doorstep, suggesting to come with him for some fun. Only… fun in Blaine’s book consisted of having a road trip to Westerville. Blaine had brought all the refreshments and they took turns in driving the car.

“A zoo?” Kurt exclaimed when he saw the big sign they were heading to.

“Well, Lima doesn’t have a zoo, so…”

Zoo was smelly and the animals were sleeping or dozing off all the time. Kurt didn’t know if it was a regular thing, having skipped on all the field trips in elementary school. But there was cotton candy and glitter masks and plush toys of a happy version of each animal they’d seen. So, it wasn’t that bad.

And of course, there was Blaine. Sweet, caring Blaine. Kurt didn’t know what he’d do without him, sometimes he would lash out and sulk or refuse to talk, but Blaine was able to somehow calm him down and bring him out of his shell, either by saying something entirely ridiculous, listening to him vent, or usually by giving him a nice, long hug that kept Kurt sane.

Kurt was terrified of how he was putting his trust in Blaine. How could he not be? He only known him for ten day and the guy was the first thing he thought about in the morning. Knowing that Blaine would be there in the coffee shop to visit him actually made him arrive there early.

He knew the boy was troubled and had more mood swings than Kurt, which was saying something. He also didn’t know what Blaine saw in him that wanted him to hang out with him. Maybe he didn’t have friends, but that was impossible, Blaine was friendliest guy he’d met.

Maybe he took pity on Kurt or befriending Kurt was just some exercise his, well, their, therapist had for him? Yeah, that seemed more likely.

“Let’s play a game, shall we?” Blaine said once they sat down in the bench, munching out the last of the popcorns they’d bought.

“Okay. And what does the winner get?”

“A big fat kiss from the loser.” There was the playful Blaine again, giggling and teasing him. Kurt blushed and looked down. Blaine continued.

“So, it’s a question game. You’re going to ask me a question and I would either answer or pass and then I’d do the same. Deal?”

Blaine had Kurt’s legs on his lap again and it was a nice reminder of the first, well, the second, time they met.

“Deal.”

“So, Kurt Hummel. What’s your favorite color?”

Kurt rolled his eyes.

“It depends on the setting, but mostly blue, I think.” Blaine hummed in agreement, Kurt asked. “Where do you go to school?”

“Dalton. You?”

“I’ve graduated this year, but I used to go to this hell hole called McKinley. Do you sing?”

“We have this glee club called Warblers, I’m an unofficial member. Yeah, I do. Do _you_ sing?”

“I used to. What’s your favorite animal?”

“Unicorn,” Blaine claimed somberly and Kurt laughed until his sides hurt. “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” Kurt blushed at the question and mentally scolded himself.

“No, you?”

“Nope,” Blaine shook his head, “this isn’t an accident at work, is it?” he asked gently, stroking Kurt’s left wrist. Kurt felt his entire arm burn. Aside from the nurses who changed the bandages and stitches or the inspection of the doctors, he hadn’t given anyone an opportunity to touch his wrist. Even Kurt himself was disgusted to touch it when he was washing it in the shower. The raised skin was nothing but shame to him.

“Breathe, Kurt.”

“No.” Kurt muttered, looking away.

“How much do I annoy you?” Blaine asked.

“Seriously, you don’t annoy me at all.” Kurt laughed.

“Your turn.” Blaine reminded gently. Kurt gulped.

“Blaine, about that night you’d gone home in the dark. That text…”

“Finally!” Blaine said and Kurt’s head snapped up, meeting Blaine’s sad eyes. “I thought you’d never asked,” Blaine shrugged.

“I didn’t want to overstep.” Kurt tried to copy Blaine’s indifferent expression but he knew he failed, Blaine smiled at him.

“You aren’t. That’s why I’m going to tell you. Ask me anything.” Blaine took a deep breath. This can’t be easy for him.

“You said you and your date were attacked?” Kurt asked tentatively.

“There was this Sadie Hawkins dance. I had just come out and asked the only out gay kid in my school. Everything was fine in the school, just a couple of odd glances, nothing less. But when we were waiting for my date’s dad to pick us up,” Blaine swallowed heavily and the mood was in a heavy contrast with all the children running around, laughing happily.

“But then some guys came and beat us up.” Kurt felt his stomach turn at the resigned tone and tried hard not to imagine it.

“Were you both okay, after that?”

Blaine didn’t acknowledge his question, still lost in his memories, “Just one more question…why did you do it?” Blaine said, pointing to his wrist.

“I don’t know. I was bored, I think.” Kurt mumbled, looking away, not liking the spotlight back on his problems and sorry life, when apparently Blaine had been through hell.

Blaine laughed bitterly at his response and without any warning pulled Kurt in a tight hug, gripping his upper arms and looking wordlessly in his eyes.

“We should head back, it’s getting dark.” Blaine shifted away and walked quickly to the direction of the parking lot.

“Blaine, please.” Kurt tugged at Blaine’s sleeves. “Don’t shut me out. What’s going on?”

“I’m just sad, that’s all. You don’t deserve this.”

“Well neither do you.” Blaine snorted at that, but he looked more relaxed and Kurt offered him a pack of M&Ms from his pocket, “Happy thoughts?” Kurt smiled, nudging Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine looked more animated at the sight of chocolate. The rest of the ride, Kurt felt happier than he’d been in the morning.

When Kurt came home, it was dinner time. He helped Carole prepare the salad, set the table and sat down to the meal. Then he realized, something was weird. The room was too quiet. Kurt scanned the table quietly, only then discovering what’s missing.

“Where’s Finn?”

Immediately both Burt and Carole’s heads snapped up from their plates. Burt frowned and Carole took his hand softly.

“Oh, honey. I thought you knew. Finn’s left to join the army this morning. That’s what the goodbye party last night was about, remember?”

_Oh…_

“Yeah, right. I forgot. ” Kurt answered thickly, “I’m sorry Carole, the food was very delicious but I’m not hungry anymore. May I be excused?” not waiting for an answer Kurt got up, putting the untouched food in a container.

Things only got better just to be worse. Kurt paced in his room, walking in circles as he dialed Finn’s number. Nobody picked it up and it went straight to voicemail. He was too late.

After a second thought, he headed to the kitchen when Carole was washing the dishes. He ignored her worried glances and dialed from the home phone.

“Hi, mom. I’m still on the bus, like I told you an hour ago.” Finn’s voice boomed out from the speaker after the first ring.

“Finn?” Kurt whispered.

“Umm, Kurt. Hey, is that you?” Finn said, somewhat awkwardly.

“Yeah, it’s me.” He said, some tears gathering in his eyes.

“Listen, I gotta go, dude. I got to register at the army now.”

“You just said that you’re in the bus.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t know you cared,” Finn said with the sarcasm Kurt hadn’t ever heard from him. His throat tightened.

“I know I’m selfish and what I did wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry, Finn.” He hoped against hope that Finn realized that he wasn’t just apologizing for missing his goodbye party.

“Yeah, whatever, dude. I really gotta go. Bye.”

He listened to the static ring in his ears for five minutes, feeling his head spin. He then slammed the phone back in its place.

He didn’t come out of his room when weekend ended. When his boss called, he could hear her arguing with Carole. He didn’t leave when it was time for his appointment. He just lied down on his bed, ignoring his phone buzzing until it ran out of battery, ignoring his family sneaking glances from his open door.

Just lying on his bed and staying alive. Because apparently, that’s all he was good for.


	8. Chapter 8

At the first day Kurt slept because he was tired. He'd had so many sleepless nights, staying up late and waking up early was a great excuse to sleep. But then his batteries were fully recharged and he felt wide awake. Then, he slept because he had nothing to do, or he didn't want to do anything. Because he didn't want to hear his parents loud whispers in the next room, obviously worried for him. Because, when he slept, he didn't have to think about what others thought of him and how much of a burden he'd become. After that, he slept because he was too weak to stay awake. He could barely make it to the bathroom and his head spun each time he tried to make a sudden move. This type of sleep was more like dozing off. Like both being and not being there. He wasn't aware of time passing, though from the corner of his eye, he could see plates of food, steaming at first, going cold.

"Hey, buddy. Can you hear me?"

It was his dad's voice. He wanted to answer, he really did. But, what was the point, really? So, he kept his eyes closed.

"Kurt, you're scaring me. You didn't go to work today. You're not eating, you aren't doing those weird things you do every morning and call it exercising. You're not even reading your magazines. Hell, you're not doing anything. Just wake up and move around. Do something, kid."

And he slept to block out his father's scared and worried voice.

"I don't care what that woman says, Carole. He doesn't need to rest and be left on his own. He's just lying there. I can't let him waste away in his room."

Kurt didn't want to hear anything anymore. He covered his face with another pillow. It made breathing harder. Good.

Next time he woke up, which was not an accurate phrase because he wasn't really asleep, just groggy, he felt his bed dipped with another weight.

"Hey, sleeping beauty!"

Perfect, just perfect. Kurt groaned and tried to roll away, but an arm suddenly appeared to hold his waist, rolling him right back.

"Kurt, I know you can hear me. Open your eyes."

Get out, Kurt wanted to say, but his throat wouldn't work and he only managed to croak unintelligibly.

"Your room is just so _you_. I love it. But I didn't want to snoop around much. Your father barely let me in your room. He's really worried, you know?"

Kurt found out that he had developed the ability to sleep through Blaine's chatter. The next time he opened his eyes, he noticed a familiar tune playing. He opened his eyes, flinching at the light and rubbed his eyes several time to help them adjust, well, to seeing.

"Blaine, are you humming "Smelly Cat"?" His voice was coarse and he tried to clear his throat. Blaine's laugh echoed in his ear.

"Well, it seemed to fit, given the circumstances."

"Which is?" he raised his eyebrows, taking in Blaine's relaxed lounging on the bed.

"You smell," he provided wryly. Kurt flinched and tried to scoot away but Blaine wouldn't let him go.

"Haha, very funny," Kurt snorted, trying to kick Blaine out of his bed. But, Blaine wouldn't budge and continued to watch him with an amused smile on his face. Kurt then tried to get up from the bed, swaying to a side.

"Wow, your eyes are really red and puffy. You look like a vampire."

Kurt decided not to grace Blaine with an answer. He moved to his dresser, gathering clothes, with Blaine right on his track. Blaine also followed him to the bathroom, keeping a reassuring hand on his elbow.

He even was sitting on the hallway when Kurt stumbled out of bathroom, fully dressed.

The shower had been refreshing and long, even for Kurt's standards. First, he took a cold shower to get more awake and restart his brain. Then he took a hot shower to calm his aching muscles. And then he just let the water run on him, face towards the shower head. It created an illusion of crying and it was soothing. He almost didn't want to turn off the shower.

They walked back to Kurt's room when he noticed his sheets were changed and Burt was sitting on his chair. He got up from his seat when he saw Kurt entering the room.

"Kurt, son. How are you?" Burt looked tired, his eyes worried, Kurt immediately looked down, mumbling. "I'm fi…"

"And don't tell me you're fine." Burt cut him off. Kurt shifted on his feet.

"I don't know what's going on with you, kid. But, don't do that to me again, okay?"

"I'm sorry, dad." Kurt sniffled and Burt pulled him in a hug. Kurt felt himself relax immediately and hugged his dad back with as much force he could.

"So," Burt coughed, stepping away and dabbing his eyes, "are you going to join us downstairs to get something to eat?"

Kurt shook his head. He didn't feel hungry.

"I could bring your food to your room, how about that?" Blaine asked him softly, then looked terrified up at Burt, "I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to overstep my boundaries. I just thought... "

"Calm down, kiddo. I've got to thank you, for what you did today. And for the last time, call me Burt."

Soon, Blaine came back with a full tray. Kurt scanned the contents. A bowl of soup and some chocolates, which Blaine winked and said it was a treat if he ate all his food.

"Why are you here?"

"Do you want me to leave?" Blaine's voice was uncharacteristically serious, albeit sad.

"No, leave if you want to leave." Kurt replied dismissively, already feeling sleepy. He made a move to lie down on his bed but Blaine caught him and made him sit upright.

"No sleeping." Blaine shook his finger.

"I'm not hungry," Kurt tried not to sound like a whiny kid but Blaine's barely muffled laughter told him otherwise.

"I'm always here for you when you need me, okay?" Blaine told him and Kurt had to fight back the lump in his throat, shaking his head and not wanting to believe him.

"You can't promise that and I can't have you making that promise," his voice was raised and full of emotion, "you've got your own life and your own demons. What if I "need" you…say, after it got dark outside?"

"As for your first question, I came here because you weren't answering my calls and after a while, your phone was apparently off. You're lucky that I remembered your address and came to your doorstep, or I would've gone insane and we can't have that." Blaine winked at him and Kurt managed a shaky laugh, "for the second part of your speech, look outside."

Kurt looked out of the window. It was pitch black. He couldn't even hear cars. Kurt looked back at Blaine, confusion apparent on his face.

"It's Monday night." Blaine shrugged, but his eyes were fixed on him, gauging his reaction.

"You came here after dark?" Kurt asked, surprised.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I bugged my mom to bring me here. But, I'm not afraid. I have Mr. Piggy with me!"

He pulled out the silly flashlight out of his pocket and blinked the light in Kurt's eyes. The room spun and Kurt blinked dazedly. Blaine linked his arms with him.

"Let's get you something to eat, okay?" he pulled the tray on Kurt's lap.

"I'm really not hungry." Kurt mumbled.

"That's because you hadn't eaten anything in three days. Your dad was this much away from having you hospitalized." Kurt felt his stomach fill with guilt and he picked up the spoon and tried to fight back nausea after the first bite.

"You really got to dust this thing," Blaine called out to him, blowing on his laptop's display.

"What are you doing?"

"Duh, watching Disney."

Blaine plugged his laptop to charger and handed it to him when it asked to type down the password, making a show of covering his eyes with both his hands. Kurt typed _"Life Sucks"_ and passed the laptop back to Blaine.

"I haven't seen this in ages and you seemed to like it so much," he said, twirling the DVD of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" on his finger. Kurt laughed, remembering their adventure at the kids' restaurant.

The credits started and Blaine whispered in his ear, as if they were sitting in an actual cinema and not perched on a bed in Kurt's room.

"Kurt, you know I will play "here comes the choo choo train" with you if you don't finish your food by the end of this film," he threatened, prompting Kurt to eat a bit more.

He laughed along with Blaine. He didn't know that someone could have this much knowledge on a simple Disney cartoon, but Blaine seemed to know it by heart. He sang along "Whistle while you work" and almost knocked over Kurt's bowl.

Heavy sobs wrecked his body as he watched Snow White wake up and meet her prince. He tried to move away and discreetly dab away the tears but his efforts seemed to be futile and soon more tears followed, making it hard to breathe. A pair of strong hands held him to a firm chest and somehow it made the sobs grow more frantic.

"I'm useless, I'm better off dead," he cried. Blaine made a noise of disagreement but Kurt cut him off, "nobody wants me. I can't blame them really."

This continued for several long minutes, followed by broken cries of Kurt's "I'm sorry"-s and Blaine trying to soothe the boy with words. But the pain was too much.

Soon, explanations would follow, and Blaine would reassure the boy that Finn would come around and Kurt should just give him a time-out, that he was just scared and confused. But right now, he just held the shaking boy, wishing all his hurt and pain to stop.

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

Kurt didn't get much sleep that night. But he didn't mind it much since he'd done nothing but sleep lately. He tried, however in vain, to convince Blaine to get some sleep, but the boy remained on his bed, continuing their Disney marathon, which more often than not got paused due to Kurt's sobbing near the end of each movie.

Carole entered the room on one of the times they had been hugging tightly and told them that she'd prepared Finn's room for Blaine since it was too late and Blaine didn't have a car to drive back to his house. Kurt was a bit skeptic, seeing that his parents didn't argue much about this arrangement or insisted on driving Blaine to his house. It made him feel like he'd missed some interaction between them and Blaine when he was…out.

Next day, Kurt opened his eyes to a curly head on his shoulder and a sound of a soft snore. His lap warm from where his laptop was placed. Getting Blaine to wake up soon proved to be a challenge, since he practically clung to Kurt's side like a starfish or a koala and he held on more tightly when Kurt tried to shake him awake. Blaine stated he didn't want to overstay his welcome and wanted to leave immediately and after making sure he was fed and had enough caffeine in his system to get himself safely back to his house, Kurt let him go.

"Take it easy, Kurt." Blaine said. They were standing on the porch, the sun had just started to rise and it was a little bit cold.

"Do you honestly believe that I can "take it easy"?" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"It takes practice." Blaine shrugs.

"Yeah, right." Kurt looked down, busying himself with warming his hands by holding the mug of coffee. After all the talking they did last night, he felt so much closer to the boy and it both scared him and made him more relaxed.

"Talk to Susan, okay? I know I talk a lot of smack about her and call her Doctor Crazy and she's trying too hard to connect to you, but you've got to tell someone what you're feeling." Blaine placed his hand on top of Kurt's, with an intense look on his face. "You've got to tell her everything that's bothering you, every dark little secret, that's how this whole therapy thing is going to work. You can lie and daydream in your sessions as much as you want and no one is going to notice but all in all you're not doing this for your parents, your friends or me. You're doing it to get better."

"But I am fine, mostly." Kurt lied smoothly, not wanting the boy to worry over him more than he already did.

"You know, normal people don't just slash their wrist open because they got bored." Blaine said.

Kurt gasped aloud, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. That didn't come out right." Blaine apologized immediately.

"You are. But I love you anyway." Kurt said nonchalantly, trying to soften the mood.

"Put that mug down, so I can hug you properly." Blaine called thickly, opening his arms wide.

That afternoon Kurt went to his therapist's office. Blaine had offered his own slot as well, saying he'd reschedule to another time, thus allowing Kurt one hour and a half with the doctor.

So, after the long talk and two pages full of plans and resolutions, things began to change. Kurt wouldn't admit things were getting better, he couldn't let himself hope again, but some of the changes over the week made life…easier, to say the least.

He quit or got fired, depending on who you asked, from the Lima Bean. He'd gone back working at his dad's garage. When he admitted that one of the things that made him nervous was having three appointments in the week, Doctor Adams reduced them to only once a week, although with strict orders to keep a log of his activities and things that triggered him during the day in exchange.

It had been a quiet day, it was just him and Luke, fixing up the cars and handling the registry.

"So, you work in a garage?" Kurt jumped up, the wrench in his hand clinking loudly to the ground.

"That was quite an observation, detective. How did you manage to make such a ground breaking deduction?"

Blaine rolled his eyes at him, a habit he'd picked up from Kurt, much to Kurt's utter disapproval. "Haha, so funny!"

"Are you, like, stalking me or something?" Kurt picked up the wrench and inspected it. His dad would make him do oil changes for the rest of the summer if he'd scratched it.

"Don't flatter yourself, Hummel. I asked your dad."

Kurt raised his eyebrows at that piece of information. "You and my dad talk behind my back?"

"Well, more like texted…I got a little panicky when he didn't text back for about half an hour, but then I got a message saying I'll find you here." Blaine shifted from one foot to the other.

"He usually takes that much time to figure out how to text back." Kurt said matter of factly.

"Yeah, I figured." Kurt huffed and resumed working on the car.

"So, you look quite professional, with the wrenches and that grease on your cute little nose." Blaine said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Kurt gasped and rubbed his nose, running to a mirror in the bathroom only to find there's nothing there.

"Very funny, Blaine." Blaine mock-bowed from his place, Kurt continued, "so you found me, congratulations. Don't you have an episode of "Barney & Friends" to catch up? "

"You're trying to get rid of me? I'm a paying customer." Blaine gasped dramatically.

"And where is, dare I ask, your car?" Kurt gestured wryly, "is it invisible?"

"Well, I don't have a car, but I brought this." he said pulling an unknown object out of his pocket.

"Blaine, is that…" Kurt narrowed his eyes, not believing what he was seeing.

"A balloon? Yeah, it is. I was hoping you'd blow it for me, with a pump or something."

"With a what?" He can't be serious now, can he?

"It's like a tire, right? You'd pump a flat tire so why not this?"

"That sentence is just so wrong I don't even know how to correct it."

"I'm not leaving until I have my balloon full of air and happy."

Kurt sighed, resigned, taking the blue balloon from Blaine and blowing it, tying the end after Blaine announced his satisfaction with a loud clap.

"So, I take it that you're staying?" Kurt sighed, resigned.

"Yep." Blaine called happily, swinging his legs over the counter. He pulled out a string and tied the balloon to Kurt's mug handle.  
"I even brought my own lunch, I made some for you too. So you can't kick me out, I came bearing food."

Blaine pulled out a lunch box with a superman printed on it.

"Go on then, don't let me interrupt your work." He shooed Kurt away and Kurt barely held back his sigh. He listened to Blaine talking ceaselessly about his day, his memories from Dalton, a detailed description of his room and the sandwich he'd make for their lunch.

"Kurt, entertain me!"

"I thought you didn't want to interrupt me."

"That was before I knew how boring this is going to get. And it's like I'm talking to your legs."

Kurt slid from under the Mustang. He saw that Blaine had drawn a smiley face on his balloon with a marker from the desk.

"Do you want me to strip naked for you?" Kurt wiggled his eyebrows, enjoying the way it made Blaine squirm.

"Well…that would certainly be entertaining." Blaine replied thoughtfully.

"That's it. Time for lunch."

"Yay." Blaine cheered "I hope you like tuna?"

"Sure, tuna is fine," he said as Blaine reached for his bag and pulled out his two sandwiches, disposable cups and plates.

Kurt pulled out his notebook from the desk, opened a new page and began writing. Well, trying to write. Nothing would come after he wrote down a brief description of how his day went.

"What are you doing?" Blaine asked, but then Kurt realized he didn't try to sneak looks at his notebook, like others would.

"It's this assignment Doctor Adams has given me. To keep track of my day and moods."

"You're biting the pen and tapping your foot for the past five minutes. What's the problem?" Of course Blaine would see that.

"I don't know what to write." Kurt slumped back to his seat dejectedly.

"Oh, I know. Here, have these stickers."

Blaine searched his bag for a few seconds before handing him a pack of stickers, from different Disney characters to emoticons and even pictures of funny fruits.

"How's a bunch of stickers going to help me?" Kurt asked, puzzled.

"You can use them to express your day. Besides, stickers make everything better." Blaine said solemnly.

"You're ridiculous." Kurt snickered.

"No, I'm a kid. And you love me anyway." Blaine stated, winking.

Kurt chose a smiley sticker and put it on the bottom of the page. Today had been a good day. He closed his notebook, deciding it was enough for today.

"That I do," he looked up with a warm smile for Blaine that was returned graciously. It was in these moments that Kurt really appreciated having a good friend like Blaine around. It didn't hurt that he was also handsome and got Kurt in a way no one ever had. Kurt coughed and shook his head to get out of his thoughts.

"Would the kid like juice box or coke?"

"Juice box." Blaine called out, making Kurt laugh.

"That's what I thought."


	10. Chapter 10

Kurt woke up later than he normally would have. Like any other teens, the first thing he did, before even rubbing the sleep out of his eyes or going to the bathroom, was checking his phone. There were two messages from Blaine, one wishing him a good morning and the next one telling him that they can’t meet today. At least that’s what Kurt can gather from, “Today’s your day off. I’ve got a babysitter.”

“Yay! But I pity your babysitter.” Kurt texts back.

“You’re mean. Don’t pity him too much, tomorrow’s your turn.” Kurt laughed loudly at that, although his stomach does a weird jump at the thought of a “he” Blaine was spending his time with.

“Kurt, honey, is that you? Are you awake?” a voice calls out from downstairs.

“Yeah, Carole,” he shouts back.

“Well, come on. I’m making pancakes.”

Kurt makes it to the kitchen in the record time, only to find two eggs and some milk on the counter. Carole was talking on the phone and she grinned widely as she saw Kurt entering.

Kurt starts making the batter and pouring it into the pan, not realizing who the person on the other side of the phone was until that moment.

“That’s so great, Finn. Say, Kurt’s here. What about saying hello to him?”

Kurt jumped up and looked at Carole wide-eyed, nearly making his hand, or worse the pancake burn.

“Sure, son. I’ll pass the phone over. Talk to you later.”

Carole holds the phone expectantly and Kurt grabs it, sighing. He puts it reluctantly on his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Finn mumbles.

“How are you?” Kurt asks, unsure of how to hold a conversation, terrified of being told again that he doesn’t care about others, that he’s selfish.

“Good, dude. You?”

“Fine.” Kurt rolls his eyes at that.

An awkward silence falls over the line.

“How’s it going with the training?” Kurt asks, moving to a more neutral subject.

“I don’t know. It’s much more complicated than I thought.” Kurt fondly remembers all the assignments he’d helped Finn through. It would always be the day before the due date and Finn would pop into his room with that exact sentence.

“I mean, it was easy when they made us name our gun last week. I named mine Rachel. But yesterday they taught us how to clean it and all I could think of was cleaning The Rachel…”

“Oh, TMI, Finn. I don’t want to know about your sex life.” Kurt cuts him off.

“Dude, is my mom still there?”

Kurt looks up to see Carole smiling happily and humming a tune under her breath, pretending not to listen.

“Umm, maybe?”

“Not cool, dude.” Finn gasps, horrified.

And because Kurt can imagine too well how Finn’s face at that moment looks like, he bursts laughing.

“I’ve missed this,” he tells, dabbing at the corner of his eye to catch a stray tear. He’s too happy to hear Finn’s “Yeah, me too.”

“Listen I gotta go. It’s breakfast time.”

“What are you going to eat?”

“Pancakes,” Kurt replies and hears the unmistakable sound of Finn sighing sadly and… what was that growling sound?

“Okay then. Give my love to the pan…I mean, to the glee kids. Talk to you later, dude. Bye.”

Kurt laughs and hangs up.

“So all is sorted out between you and Finn?” Carole calls from over the counter and Kurt turns over and gives her a warm smile.

“I hope so. Thanks, Carole.”

“You’re very welcome, sweetie. Now eat up, it’s your dad and me’s second anniversary and I need your opinion on what to wear.”

Kurt pours coffee one for Carole and another for himself and sits down. “Second anniversary of what?”

“Are you sure you want to know?” Carole winks playfully at him and Kurt splutters his coffee.

They go over the details, from Carole’s outfit to nail polish and the dinner plans and dessert. For a Blaine-less day, this sure proved to be so much fun and busier than he’d originally thought.

“So do you also want me to distract dad and keep him in the garage for an hour or two?”

“Well, that would be amazing. We’d just have a romantic dinner at the shop and I hope you’d be long asleep when we arrive home later.”

“Consider it done. So, why the shop exactly?”

“Because that was where we had our first…”

“Lala lala la!” Kurt shrieks and covers his ears. Carole playfully hits him with a spoon.

* * *

 

_Kurt was storing away when he sees it. Blood all over the kitchen. Kurt opened the water tap to clean it but instead of clear water a dark liquid trickled on his hands. It was so much blood. He made his way upstairs, the walls, the floor was all covered in blood and it was making Kurt dizzy and he stumbled the stairs, barely making it to his room. He glanced out of the window, between all the red, the blue sky seemed to be mocking him._

_That’s when he saw it, the coffin. He saw Carole crying and shrieking in the yard, “it was our second anniversary, but you ruined it.”_

“Kurt!”

“Kurt, wake up!”

“Sweetie, you’re having a nightmare!”

“Carole?”

Kurt bolts upright, almost knocking Carole in the head.

“Dad isn’t dead, is he?” he mumbled, stunned and mostly asleep.

“No, honey. He’s fine, so is everyone else.”

“Kurt, you okay?” Carole patted his shoulder once to get his attention. He’d been staring at his hands, trying to believe that they weren’t bloodied just a moment ago.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking…”

“Do you want me to bring you anything to eat?”

“No, I’m good.” Kurt scrunches up his nose. The last thing he needs to think about right now is food.

“Come on. Not even candy? I think I have some with me.”

“You have candy in your pajama pockets?” now that’s news for Kurt. Soon he’s handed a bunch of small sweets.

“Honey, you’re forgetting that I’m Finn’s mom. He gets his sweet tooth from me.” Carole says with a laugh that Kurt joins in, “The rest of his appetite, however, I’m not responsible for.”

Kurt lets the candy melt in his mouth and sighs. The simple act of sucking and letting the candy melt calms him down more than anything.

“Are you ready to get back to sleep?” Carole asks kindly.

“Yeah. I think I am.” Kurt replies. “Thanks, Carole.”

“No problem, son. Now, scoot over.”

“What?” Kurt asks, puzzled.

“I’m too tired to walk to my bedroom. I might as well take a nap here.”

“But…”

“Kurt, are you really going to kick me out of your bedroom. It’s cold and dark out there.” Carole says with an easy grin.

“Okay, okay.” Kurt surrenders.

“Thank you, Carole.”

He receives a gentle squeeze on his shoulder before Carole turns off the lamp on the nightstand and settles herself in Kurt’s bed. The sound of her soft breaths slowly lulls Kurt into sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

“Rise and shine, lazy-ass! Get your butt out of the bed” Blaine’s voice sing-songed in his ears and Kurt jolted awake. He looked around but there was no one around, Kurt even checked under the bed. Then he realized the sound was coming from his phone. Never leave your phone unlocked in Blaine’s hands, Kurt vowed. He spent a good hour yesterday figuring out how to change his phone’s language from Arabic to English and fix his background and ringtones. And now his alarm clock was customized. It was amazing really, how much havoc could be caused in his phone in a five minute bathroom break by the hands of one Blaine Anderson.

He looked at his schedule for today. Doctor Adams had made him a list of suggested activities and he had to check off each of them that he did. He could look into college applications, but it seemed too early and he didn’t feel ready to start thinking about colleges. There was also signing up for a local community theater, which he didn’t feel that good about either. He didn’t feel up to getting involved with even more people, singing, dancing or acting either. Then, there was helping his dad around in the shop but Burt often shooed him away after a short while, telling him that the shop wasn’t that busy today.

And of course he could go to the gym. He mentioned that he had various exercise and meditation DVDs he could practice in his room but his therapist disagreed and said the point of these exercises was he got out of his house and did something new each day.

Gym seemed like a perfect plan. Kurt noticed that he would start panting when he went on long walks and all that slumping in his bed or chair did nothing for his back and he was already developing backaches for no apparent reason. And don’t get him started on his hips and legs. They were blown up like balloons.

He had a huge breakfast and walked to the gym, deciding he could use a little warm up. He filled the forms and was instructed to wait there before his personal trainer came to give him a schedule. He decided he wasn’t up for aerobics and all the group work shit, he just wanted to work out by himself and when he pleased so that’s what he signed up for. He busied himself with checking out the equipment he could see through the glass.      

“Hey there, Porcelain!”

In her famous track suit and trademark loudspeaker, he was met by no one else other than his former cheerleading coach.

“Coach Sylvester, what are you doing here?”

“This is what I do in summers, there are no Cheerio practices because Figgins is renting McKinley to a bunch of reform students. So, as a champion since the day cheerleading was created, I’m doing my favorite hobby, which is...”

“You’re too slow, grandpa. Come on, faster,” she shouted in the speaker, and Kurt could see a middle aged man panting on the treadmill.

“Enough chatting," she orders, "go change and I’m going to set you up.”

“I’m ready, coach. I just have to change my shoes.” No way was he going to approach those smelly locker rooms.

“So what is that ugly shirt you’re wearing? Do you want to faint and get dehydrated? Change into a t-shirt and I’m going to make you do laps if you say you’re wearing long sleeves because you haven’t shaved your armpits.”

“No, coach, I prefer to wear this,” Kurt squirmed, not wanting to admit what he was actually ashamed of.

“Nonsense, your pits can’t be as hairy as those hippies there.” Sue gestured to a side and Kurt looked at the direction to see a bunch of women, in their late sixties at least, shaking all they had in an elaborate Zumba routine.

He sighed and shed his shirt off, standing in his tank-top. He adjusted the bracelet, but not before Sue’s sharp eyes scanned over it.

“Nice arms,” she commented, rather tenderly and instructed to warm himself up in a treadmill for twenty minutes.

The rest of the one hour and forty minutes, was brutal. Checking out boys wasn’t worth all the torture, Kurt decided, and he was pretty fond of his pear hips. He did sit-ups, pushups, stationary bicycle and who knew this many exercises could exist featuring only a simple stick.

Once or twice there were some awkward situations over a guy bending a little too much revealingly in Kurt’s view which caused the pulse monitor in the equipments to beep frantically. But other than Sue’s smirk no one paid much attention, everyone was too focused to look good and fit to notice him. It was disheartening to watch how easily they would lift the dumbbells with added sinkers when Kurt had enough trouble doing it without any.

Not bringing his car had been the stupidest idea Kurt ever had. He couldn’t even feel his legs anymore when he reached their street. His dad was home for lunch and he took in Kurt’s tousled hair and the way he was half walking, half dragging himself inside.

“So, it looks like you had fun.”

“Dad, do I look like someone who had fun?”

Kurt only convinced himself to take a shower because he didn’t want to make his bed sheets dirty. He mumbled a “no” to Carole’s call for lunch and instead collapsed in his bed, thankfully remembering to text Blaine and cancel their outing this afternoon. He needed sleep more than he needed fresh air. He didn’t even remember last time he felt rested, or how his body felt when it didn’t feel like it was on pain.

When he woke up the pain had gone worse. His body basically creaked with each movement. He smelled food and followed it to the living room, when he saw Burt and Blaine sitting on the couch and watching television.

“No way I'm driving you home,” Kurt grumbled.

“Gee, nice to see you too,” Blaine replied sarcastically.

“No, you don’t get to play the wounded. I’m the wounded one here,” Kurt shushed him, completely aware that he was acting like tenth of his age.

“Kurt, come on. That’s no way to behave with your guest.” Burt scolded his son.

“It’s okay, Mr. Hummel. What would the wounded like to do?” Blaine asks, barely containing his laughter.

“Kitchen, food.” Kurt orders.

Blaine looks around and walks to the corner of the living room where the computer is placed, and then rolled the office chair to Kurt.

“May I wheel you to your destination, sir?”

“You may,” Kurt answers haughtily and sat down.

They reached the kitchen, where Carole was making snacks and placing them in a tray. She bursts into giggles when they approach, but then excuses herself with a secret smile.

“I better go, Burt says today’s game is important, which I hope it means it would finish sooner than all these food.”

“One word Carole, Vogue.” Kurt advices, having way too much experience with Burt’s ritual of watching football games.

Blaine starts telling him about his day and Kurt retrieves the pack of orange juice and two glasses.

“My neck hurts,” he whines after swallowing. Blaine looked at him questionably and Kurt continues, “I did one hundred pushups.” Blaine bursts laughing and Kurt pokes him in the side, before remembering that even _that_ hurts too.

He then struggled to reach the cereal box which was on the top shelf beside the refrigerator. He looked at Blaine pleadingly. Blaine jumps up and down for a few times before giving him an evil glare.

“Just remember, you’re not allowed to make fun of me,” Blaine reminds him before climbing up the chair and fetching the cereal pack. Kurt can’t deny how much he enjoyed the view of Blaine’s butt this whole activity provided.

Kurt managed to eat half the bowl before deciding that he wasn’t hungry. He ate a couple more bites at Blaine’s insistence before heading upstairs.

“No funny business,” Burt called out and Kurt can see Blaine turning white and trying to move away from him, but Kurt holds him close, silently telling him it’s okay.

“Don’t worry, dad. I’m too sore for funny business,” Kurt replies, before his mind catches up on what he said, and by that time the whole family is laughing uncontrollably.

“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that,” he tries to storm away as fast as he could manage and tugs Blaine’s hand to follow him.

Kurt whimpers when he sees the stairs he has to climb and by the time Blaine reached the top, he’s only taken five.

“You’re adorable,” Blaine calls out.

“You know, you’re having way too much fun with my pain. You could always sign up and come there with me.”

“I don’t see any problems with it. I’m not afraid of a little exercising,” Blaine announces a little too proudly and Kurt frowns at him.

“That’s because you’re too naïve and haven’t met Sue Sylvester. You should be terrified. I bet she would personally stretch you and you’d grow several inches by the end of the summer.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my height.” Blaine pouts, hitting Kurt in the arm.

“Ow,” Kurt winces, “watch out for the cripple.”

Blaine rolls his eyes, “could you be more dramatic?”

“Yeah, believe it or not, this is my toned downed version,” Kurt argues back.

They finally reach Kurt’s room and Kurt immediately lies on his bed.

“So, what do you say we should do? How about movies? I’ve brought some of my favorites with me.” Blaine holds his laptop and fishes his backpack in minimum time.

“Sure, it’s not like I’m up for anything else.”

Blaine brings his laptop and Kurt scoots over to make a place for him. He whimpers as his elbow is bent a little under the weight of the laptop and Blaine places it in his own lap.

“Does it seriously hurt this much?” he asks worriedly.

“Yeah, it does.” Kurt is definitely not going to milk this situation, no sir.

“Do you want a backrub or a massage?” Blaine suggests seriously and with so much innocence, but Kurt can’t help but blush madly at that suggestion, shaking his head.

“You should’ve taken your first day easy,” he scolds Kurt and he rolls his eyes at Blaine, “tell that to the dragon lady.”

“I will,” he promises solemnly.

“Sorry that I wasn’t any fun today,” Kurt sighs.

“Don’t be. It was fun babysitting you for a change,” he winks and Kurt laughs at that.

When the movie starts Kurt ignores the pain and using the excuse of not seeing the display clearly he settles himself snugly in Blaine’s side.

He falls asleep before Shrek rescues Fiona.


	12. Chapter 12

Blaine continued with his occasional trips to the garage, his pack of sandwiches and a balloon never missing. Kurt joked about reporting Blaine's obsession with balloons because he had already ten in six different colors on his mug handle.

"Are you going to make the mug fly?" he rolled his eyes as he eyed the familiar object in Blaine's hand as he entered.

"Yeah. Like "Up"!" Blaine shot back calmly enough. Little did Kurt know that this only resulted in having a Pixar marathon next day Blaine came over.

Blaine had been chatting about a fair his school was having sometime soon when Kurt heard someone walked into the garage. He looked up, his jaw clenched and shoulders straighter, his business-mask replacing the casual look. He was surprised to find that it was Sam.

"Hey, Sam," he called out to the boy cheerfully enough.

"Hey, man. Am I interrupting something?" Kurt saw Sam's gaze over Blaine and the lunchbox and wow, he didn't notice but he was standing pretty close to Blaine.

"No, not at all. What's up?" he picked up an old cloth to clean his hand and offered it to Sam, who shook it with excitement.

"You know, the usual," Sam shrugged, "but I'm not letting you bail on us again. I'm here to take you out with us."

Kurt glanced around worriedly, trying to come up with an excuse. The shop was crowded, but he could see his dad looking curiously at him from his office. _Great, just…great_.

"I don't know, Sam," he shifted away, busying himself with sorting the tools.

"It's just Mercedes and me. She really wants to see you before she leaves Lima."

Kurt looked hopelessly at Sam, his face creased with determination.

"Fine," he sighed, mouth tugged into a sad half smile.

"So, I can either drive you or if you want we'll meet you at Lima Bean?"

"No, not the Lima Bean," he disagreed immediately.

"Why not? You love it there."

Blaine interjected, talking for the first time since Sam arrived, "because I think I saw a mouse last time I was there."

"I'm Blaine," he added in a friendly but cautious tone.

Kurt had forgotten all about Blaine. He could've used having Blaine as company as an excuse for not going. A nasty voice which sounded a lot like Doctor Adams, invaded his mind, "why are you so opposed to socialize?", "why are you looking for excuses?"

And then there was a problem of facing Blaine with the craziness of his friends. He didn't want to ditch Blaine but…

As if reading his mind, Sam casually said.

"You can bring your friend, if you want?"

Blaine glanced at Kurt's face and Kurt didn't know what he saw there, because all Kurt was projecting was "help me out of this", then a grin stretched across his face and he hopped down.

"Hell yeah, he's bringing his friend," He cheered, making the atmosphere less tense.

In the end, they decided on going to the ice-cream shop near Breadsticks and Sam hitched a ride with them.

Blaine looked disapprovingly when Kurt disagreed with his suggestion to go home shower and change into a new set of clothes, but Kurt reasoned that he was most likely to bail on meeting his friends when he allowed himself some distance and time to think. So, he changed into the spare clothes he kept and sprayed a generous amount of deodorant.

The chatter between the boys filled the car and they made the short trip in no time.

"I thought this was just you and Mercedes?" Kurt scanned the small place, where four tables were pushed together and a large group of loud teenagers were laughing

"Well, I might've called Artie, who called Brittany, who brought along Santana and Mercedes called Quinn and…"

"Yeah, yeah... I get the gist."

Several greetings hollered across the room, getting dirty looks from other customers, often couples.

"Hey there, boy!"

"Hiya, Kurt!"

He managed to squeeze himself between Mercedes and Sam. Blaine sat between Santana and the other side of Sam. Kurt couldn't help but notice the way Sam and Blaine clicked together. They had become fast friends. Since they arrived at the ice-cream shop, they shared funny stories, and Blaine really loved Sam's impressions, meaning not only he'd comment on every single detail, he'd also make suggestion on how he'd think each impression could improve.

"So, that's why you ditched us all in the last party?" Mercedes nudged his side, pointing discreetly at the laughing duo with a bit of hurt in her voice. Kurt kept his eyes downcast and his face flushed. He could feel the gazes of Quinn, Puck and Artie shifting to their conversation and he knew they were listening in.

"No, I just didn't feel up to it," he replied.

"You know, Finn told us he asked you and you didn't want to come and not to bother ourselves," Artie provided, suspiciously.

"Oh," Kurt twirled the melted ice-cream with his spoon.

"But then we thought Finn was BS-ing," Puck interrupted with his usual guarded look, "that no way you would ditch a farewell party. But you ditched all our calls, dude."

"I'm sorry, guys. I just didn't felt up to it," _I didn't even know Finn was leaving_. _I didn't know if you wanted me there_ , he wanted to add, but that would be too suspicious.

"Well, you're here now, that's all that matters," Quinn rubbed his arm gently and Kurt smiled happily, thankful that the inquisition was over.

"So, Porcelain. I heard you signed up for the gym," Santana called out from the other side of table.

"Yeah, I did," Kurt shrugged.

"Awesome, we can go together and maybe reach the rainbows by the end of running machine together," Brittany clapped happily and Kurt caught a glimpse of Blaine's shell-shocked face.

"Who's your trainer?" Sam asked, interested.

"Coach Sue," Kurt answered and winces of sympathy filled the table. "It's only me and two or three more people on her shift. Last time, someone came there by accident and she wouldn't let her leave, no matter how many times she said she'd entered the wrong room."

"I feel you, bro. That woman is one hell of a…woman," Puck called out.

"Did you notice that noises people make while exercising are usually the same they do while having sex?" Santana suddenly interjected.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked curiously.

"Yeah, sixty-nine percent of the times," Puck spluttered his glass of water and Quinn who was the nearest sitting next to him, patted his back firmly.

"Yeah, and shower and the lockers? I'm telling you, the best place for hooking up. The girls in the tight tops and shorts stretching and exercising, it's like heaven."

An elaborate discussion over girls and how to approach them in gyms started and Kurt leaned back, a sense of familiarity washing over him.

_Here we go again._

* * *

"Your friends are…special," Blaine said after five minutes sitting in stunned silence in Kurt's car. They'd dropped off Sam and Mercedes and were heading towards Blaine's place.

"Right," Kurt rolled his eyes, "a special brand of crazy, that's exactly what they are."

"It kind of makes sense, you know. I didn't think you would be the type to be comfortable cracking jokes about sex. It's what your friends do usually, right?"

"Well, we're all affected by our friends. But yeah, I did it to fit in and not be the baby penguin anymore so I manned up and fired up some Google pages and borrowed a couple of snarks and flirty jokes Santana typically says. To fit in, you know," Kurt shrugged, already pulling over Blaine's driveway, "and not be the gay freak."

"Well, for what it's worth thanks for inviting me. I had fun," Blaine says instead of goodbye and skips ahead, leaving Kurt's mind on overdrive to analyze the day.

* * *

"So, that was about it," Kurt stated, finally opening his eyes to meet Doctor Adams calculating gaze, "We stayed there until the manager unceremoniously kicked us out and then we had pizza at Breadsticks. I drove Blaine to his house and went home."

"That's really great, Kurt," she said and Kurt managed a shaky smile.

"Kurt, I need to talk to you about something."

"Oh, okay…" Kurt bit his lip and leaned further back on the coach.

"How are you feeling about your current medication?"

"Umm, I don't know. Normal, I think."

"Still having suicidal thoughts?"

"Not so much as before…" upon her inquiring gaze, Kurt continued, "there are some…occurrences. It's more like a hobby, like I'm bored. But, I know I'm not going to do them, I'm not going to kill myself," Kurt tried desperately to make her understand.

"Well, considering that the last time you attempted suicide was because as you told me you were bored, I don't think it's a great sign."

"I think it would be better if you switched into some other medication. I don't think this one is working for you."

_Oh…_

"So, here's the new schedule we're going to follow. I'm going to prescribe some stronger pills for depression and anxiety and suggest you to take your sleeping pills every night."

 _Why the sudden change?_ Kurt wanted to say, but held back the words. _But you told me I improved._

"How long?" was the only thing that felt safe to be said. He could already feel a headache forming and he wanted nothing more than to be in his room, in his bed, and staring at the ceiling. Not arguing with his therapist why he needed to be more drugs.

"Six months to one year, depending on how you're going to react to them,"

_Oh…_

It was freaking pathetic, really. Pacing around his room, worrying over a silly med change. But he couldn't help but think, _it's gotten worse._ He's gotten worse than before and he had no clue what he did wrong. Why his brain couldn't get over itself and let Kurt live his own miserable life.

"Blaine, pick up," he mumbled over the dialing phone. But, no one was answering.

On the third call, he heard the familiar voice buzzing through the speaker, "Hello there!"

"Blaine, hey," he managed to call weakly.

"How are you holding up?"

"Not so good," he closed his eyes, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Tough appointment?"

_Of course the boy knew his schedule._

"Yeah," he sighed.

"Do you want me to come over to your place? I have a box of unopened cheesecake with your name on it," he offered.

That was when Kurt realized he was absolutely sick of his room. The walls seemed to close on him with each passing minute and there wasn't enough air to breathe.

"No, I'll come pick you up and then we'll go…somewhere."

"Kurt, are you safe to drive?"

"Sure, sure," he replied dismissively.

"Fine, just be careful…and take care of yourself, okay?"

Kurt hung up after promising to be there in half an hour. He grabbed his keys and wallet, when his eyes fell on the item that has been haunting him since he got home. His expression schooled into an indifferent composure and he swallowed his new afternoon pill dry, not bothering to research or memorizing the side effects. Better start soon and adjust to the new routine.

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

Strange things happen at night. Or well, the morning, technically. It was only four a.m. and except the light emanating from his laptop, Kurt had been sitting in the dark for about an hour or so. It's all so eerily quiet and calm, except the steady wheezing from his laptop and it just feels great to spend a few moments like that. No more being on guard and analyzing every single tiny detail. If it wasn't for the fact that he had barely gotten three hours of sleep the night, no thanks to the sleeping pills, he would've been able to appreciate the calmness more. But, his eyes were drooping close, his hand nearly missing the desk.

"Okay, let's get a recap," he thought to himself, looking at the pages and tabs open. The result of his _research._ The heavy dose of antidepressants would supposedly also make him more energetic and well, _happier,_ hence the calming drug before sleep, so he wouldn't end up thinking his head off. The healthy dosage of anti-anxiety was untouched, a progress, he supposed.

Now, onto the fun parts, the side effects. Nausea, headaches, decreased sexual activity, yada yada… as if that was top priority of his list. Oh, and, weight gain. He guessed the gym wasn't as horrible idea as he originally concluded in the past days. Needless to say, Coach Sue drove him, hard and often cursed Mr. Shuester in her own imaginative way for letting the glee kids get away easy. But after the initial pain of becoming used to the routine faded, it felt kind of liberating and therapeutic. Now the ache in his muscles after a hard session was a sweet pain.

Kurt had also checked the forums for other patients on the same medication and read far more sob stories that he was comfortable with, but in conclusion, he felt the idea of having his medication dosage upped and the possibility that it would continue for even a year a bit less frightening.

With that, he found himself reclining, half-sitting and then lying on his bed soon. The sun was slowly rising up when he fell asleep.

* * *

Kurt jolted awake with a buzz coming from under his pillow. Damn it, Blaine. But, he was met by a string of photos from Rachel. The first one that captured Kurt's attention was two croissants and a coffee cup, captioned, "Breakfast in New York, Remember?"

If Doctor Adams was here, she would analyze this, and would somehow conclude that this "miscommunication" Rachel's way of saying she's lonely and wishing that Kurt was with her. Maybe she'd even suggest he'd do the same, reply with pictures of their hometown to cheer her up, and generally would leave Kurt feeling like crap for being angry at Rachel.

Kurt grabbed the coffee, heading to his room and turned to his laptop, opting to have a lazy day and surf away the internet for an hour before heading to garage.

He checked facebook and found out Rachel has posted the rest of the album, full of pictures of her dorm and new friends, accompanied by her, obviously, singing Streisand. He was busy eyeing the comments between Rachel and some guy when a notification lighted his screen for a Skype call from Blaine.

"Sorry I missed today's good morning text. I don't have my phone with me. So, Good morning!"

"You're awfully cheerful this early in the morning," Kurt groaned, sipping his coffee.

"I had two cups of hot chocolate and lots and lots of biscuits," Blaine replied giddily, "courtesy of my babysitter. Well, he can't bake actually. He bought them," he shrugged.

"Your babysitter?"

"Yeah, see, he has no one to date today, so he's stuck babysitting me."

"So, I take it you're having fun, you and your babysitter," Kurt muttered unsurely, not knowing how serious Blaine was with the whole "babysitting" thing. Did he date the guy, invited him over constantly to his house for hookups? If he wasn't such a baby penguin freak, he would've figured it out.

"Yeah, listening to Coop prank calling his many girlfriends with different accents with my mobile is definitely fun," he said sarcastically.

"Who are you talking to?" a voice called from a distance.

"Kurt," Blaine shouted back.

"Oh, THE Kurt. Let me say hi," and loud sounds of thumping became near.

"Oh, hi Kurt!" a cheerful voice chirped in and an upside down faced appeared on his screen.

"Hello, Coop," Kurt waved back, unsure how to respond to the upside down image of Blaine's…whatever he was. He was fairly attractive, even in a low quality.

"Excuse me, I'm on hold. Nancy is going on and on about her weekend and I think she's going to stop soon. Don't let my brother bore you to death, Bye!"

_Wait, What?_

"Your brother?"

"Yeah, of course. Didn't I mention it? Cooper Anderson, my pain in the ass brother," he yelled the last part loudly.

"Squirt, quit drooling over the screen," Cooper replied back.

"So, it runs in the family," Kurt muttered.

"What?" Blaine asked distractedly.

"Nothing, talk to you later?"

Blaine waved once and disconnected the call. Kurt looked up at the clock, his hour was up. Time for heading to the garage.

* * *

About three hours later, when Kurt was on a lunch break, he noticed several missed calls, all from Blaine.

"Hey, Kurt," Blaine picked up after a few beeps.

"Hi, Blaine. Glad to see you got your phone back."

"Yeah, I earned it back in a mean tickle fight," Blaine announced proudly.

"So, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine." But it wasn't a very convincing one, so Kurt had to ask.

"What's up?"

"I kind of needed a favor."

"Shoot."

"I kind of need you to check my email for me. I got this email about fifteen minutes ago…I mean, I know it's probably Jeff. The kid has forgotten his password or username so many times and makes new accounts faster than you can sneeze. And he usually…I mean, I know it's most likely just a cat video…" Blaine babbled on.

"Alright alright, slow down. I'll help you track down the scary email."

"My hero." He could imagine Blaine saluting so clearly and laughed along as the tension melted.

Kurt turned on the computer his dad kept at the garage and entered the username Blaine told.

"Okay, so what's your password?"

"It's none of your business," Blaine answered off-handedly.

"Blaine, I seriously doubt I can enter your account without your password."

"Wait, that is my password. My password is "none of your business"."

Kurt typed away for a few moments and found the offending mail immediately.

"Yeah, it's from Jeff and yes it's a cat video," he concluded after.

"Oh, well. Thanks," he sighed, obviously relieved. Kurt wondered what was all that about.

"You're welcome. Bye," he said, picking up his sandwich from the refrigerator.

"Don't say it." Kurt almost dropped the sandwich from the hurt tone in Blaine's voice.

"Say what?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Bye, goodbye, see you later and all that crap," he replied, bitterly.

"Blaine, are you alright?"

"Yeah, rough day," Blaine groaned. "I really don't want to talk about it," he said before Kurt had time to open his mouth, "Just, don't say goodbye to me, okay?"

"Okay, then," Kurt scrambled in his brain for a few beats, "have fun," he asked hesitantly, not sure if that was also on the forbidden list.

"Take care," Blaine said, surprisingly serious and ended the call, leaving Kurt wondering what the hell was _that_ about.


	14. Chapter 14

If you told Kurt about a month ago that he would be going to his therapist's office an hour early to drive his friend to his appointment and then have his own meeting, he would've directed you straight to the nearest mental clinic.

But, now here he was sitting in the waiting room, glancing at the magazine in his lap, his foot tapping in an unknown rhythm.

"Kurt, you can go in now," the receptionist called and Kurt nodded once, already folding the magazine and getting up once he heard the door open and close.

This was his and Blaine's routine. They wouldn't talk immediately after the session. One of them would wait for the other downstairs, on the bench near the parking lot.

He fondly remembered that one time he managed to startle Blaine and have him scream in a really high pitch.

He'd been approaching the seat when he realized that Blaine wasn't paying attention or waving back, but moving around in his sit and mouthing words.

_Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs  
With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love_

When he reached closer he was able to make out what he was singing.

_When the sun's going down, we'll be raising our cups  
Singing, here's to never growing up_

Blaine seemed to be oblivious to the fact that there was no music, or he was slightly off key and his impromptu performance had captured not only Kurt's but a few other pedestrians' attention.

_Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up_

He pulled the headphones out of Blaine's ears, causing him to immediately jump off his seat. He looked like he had no clue where he was and Kurt couldn't blame him. He seemed to have quite a concert going on in his head.

He later told Kurt that was what he would do when he was really upset, put the headphones on his ear and start singing. Not paying attention to his surroundings.

Kurt chuckled to himself as he pushed the door open. The gesture, of course, didn't go unnoticed by Doctor Adams.

"Hello, Kurt, you seem to be in a happy mood."

He dropped his half full notebook on the table and leaned back on his chair, pondering the idea of _better._

"You know what, I am."

"Any particular reason why?" she asked, smiling.

"Well, I think the pills are starting to work. I'm starting to get in shape and that feels good and I'm probably going for an ice-cream with Blaine. I don't know, I just feel good."

"Well, I'm really glad to hear that. So you and Blaine? How's that working out?"

"It's good, really good to have a friend like him. He understands a lot of my…problems and knows how to make me feel better."

"And is there something going on beyond being friends?"

"Susan, are you trying to play the matchmaker here?" Kurt asked when the blushing died down on his cheeks.

"Well, what can I say? Guilty as charged," Susan laughed.

"Yeah, because having two of your patients together is like the ultimate goal, two birds with one stone," Kurt rolled his eyes at that.

"Well, two of my favorite patients," she chuckled, but then after a moment turned serious, "I admit I wasn't sure about the idea of you two being friends and how it can affect both your treatments, but I can see it had done well… for both of you. In a way, you keep each other balanced."

Kurt took a deep breath and looked away, gathering up the strength to say the next sentence.

"We talked…about my attempt and his…his attack."

"And how was that?" she prompted when Kurt fell silent for too long.

"I liked that he didn't push me to admitting that I had done… _that_ ," he said, unconsciously scratching over the scar.

"And he made me think, about why I had done it."

"Why did you try to commit suicide, Kurt?"

"Because I didn't want to try out for NYADA. Because I was sad all the time and didn't feel worthy enough to take the place of someone else who wouldn't get in. I mean, I would've failed anyway, but just…"

Now he was really out of breath. He didn't feel brave enough to talk anymore.

"I'm really glad you started go open up more to me. Now that you admitted to yourself what was the reason, we can work on making it better."

"Next session?" he half asked, half pleaded.

"Next session. Take care, Kurt."

Kurt took a couple of deep, calming breaths once he got out and poured a cup of instant coffee from the waiting room. He remembered Blaine waiting for him and tried to pull himself together. He took the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.

The bench was empty.

He looked around, assuming Blaine had gone to the small grocery store nearby, like he'd done once or twice to get them both ice-cream or juice, but there wasn't any sign of the familiar curly head and shining eyes, just a bored, tired looking cashier.

The only rational explanation would be that Blaine had left. But that didn't make sense.

He felt around in his pocket and found his phone. He dialed Blaine's number some time before giving up. He noticed a text message was sent while he was busy calling.

_I'm fine, just needed to be alone for a while._

Kurt couldn't explain the betrayal, sadness and hurt that flashed inside him.

_Fine._

He started to write the text in frustration. But then he felt the anger directed back at himself. He had no right to expect that Blaine would always be the cheerful, perfect friend he'd grown accustomed to.

_Call me when you need. Take care._

And when "Here's To Never Growing Up" came on the radio, he cranked the volume up and sang along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs used in this chapter:  
> Here's To Never Growing Up/ Avril Lavigne


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this has as much trigger alert as the first chapter. It contains a discussion of a suicide happening in the past. Please, please don't read it if you're in a bad mood or would be affected by these kind of stuff.

Blaine didn't call that night or the next morning. He got up later than he normally would, thanks to staying up late in case Blaine called and randomly waking up and checking his phone.

He saw a note on the fridge from his dad, something about getting a call early in the morning and going to visit Finn and they'll be back by lunch. He called them straight away but only got to voicemail, so he could only hope that they were still driving and it was nothing serious.

His mind wandered over to Blaine and thoughts of him kept him occupied while filling up the coffee maker and getting some cereal from the cabinet. His therapist's voice echoed in his head, are they more than friends? Or most importantly, did he want to be more than friends?

It would be a blatant lie if Kurt said he hadn't developed a huge crush over the other boy. No matter how much he wanted himself detached from any possible heartbreaks, he might as well set himself up for one. The truth was Kurt treasured their friendship more each day and he didn't want to ruin that in case it didn't work out.

Sure, they might joke around and flirt occasionally, but it was totally harmless and never meant anything. But, did Kurt really want it to mean something? Of course he did. But, did Kurt really deserve having someone like Blaine as his friend, much less a boyfriend?

Kurt didn't want to dignify himself with an answer, already knowing what his miserable mind would respond with.

He was in awe with Blaine, and that would be the only confession he'd make to himself.

The doorbell sounded and Kurt snapped out of his daydreams, moving sluggishly to see who it was. He was surprised to find out that it was Blaine standing on his doorstep.

"Hello," he waved at Kurt, looking worn out but still wearing a brave smile.

"Oh, hi Blaine. Didn't expect to see you here," he replied, genuinely surprised and happy.

"How are you?" he asked after Blaine entered.

"Fine," Blaine shrugged, leaving Kurt worried. This wasn't how Blaine usually acted.

"Well, you look like shit," Blaine snorted at that, making Kurt chuckle.

"I was about to pour myself a cup of coffee. Would you like one?"

"Sure," Blaine smiled, but it seemed a rather forced one.

Kurt came back with two cups of coffee, only to find Blaine in another corner of the living room.

"That's a very nice piano," he said with an eerie expression on his face, as if contemplating something.

"Thanks, it was my mom's." he smiled sadly at the instrument in question. Blaine hummed, not going to question further and saving Kurt from having to explain that no, Carole wasn't really his real mom and no, his parents weren't divorced and no, his mom had died and no, their question did _not_ make him sad or uncomfortable.

"Do you play?" he asked instead and Kurt answered proudly.

"Yeah, sometimes. What about you?"

"I haven't played for a long time," Blaine shrugged.

"You can always give it a try. I promise it's not going to bite you."

"Hilarious," Blaine rolled his eyes, but Kurt could see that he didn't, _couldn't_ , take his gaze away from the piano, and started to cautiously approach the instrument. Kurt busied himself with a book from the shelf but continued studying the boy from the corner of his eye.

Blaine's hands ran up and down the scales for a few times, testing the pitch and getting reacquainted with his own skill, perhaps making sure he still remembered. Kurt knew the look, he knew he was the same a month after his mom's death, the look that said the he didn't bear to stay silent any longer.

A tune started to play and Kurt recognized it immediately. The song was slowed down noticeably and somehow it made it even sadder than it originally was.

The song continued to play in chords and now Blaine's beautiful voice carried the tune.

_My mother had a brother, Over-sensitive and kind  
Seems it all became too much for him. It seems he took his own life_

Kurt had known very well by now that all Blaine's cheeriness was just a façade. A mask, to keep the real pain away. But now, all the pretending was dropped, and there was this boy, this _man_ , sitting and exposing his soul. But, why this song? What's he trying to say?

_She said he couldn't wait for the things that I've seen  
She said he wasn't strong enough, he never dared to dream, a life like mine_

Tears were rolling down Blaine's cheek and Kurt put the book down, sitting beside him on the piano stool, watching the scene unfold.

_I guess he couldn't wait another moment, to be free, In endless sky_

Blaine skipped some of the lyrics, only letting the chords play and Kurt saw the hidden meaning behind it. These were the verses that Blaine couldn't make himself say. He couldn't sing about how things would be getting better.

_I live each day for him_

Blaine gasped out the sentence like it was clawing his insides. Kurt jumped out, alarmed, when Blaine's sobs escalated and his fist dropped on the keys, making a startling sound. Blaine covered his face in his hands, breathing heavily, seeming lost. Kurt nudged his shoulder gently and Blaine threw himself at Kurt's open arms, hugging him closely.

"Come on, you've got to finish the song," he tried to coax the boy out of his embrace, but Blaine clung to him tighter than he had before.

"I can't. There's no point," Blaine sniffled.

Kurt didn't know why but at that moment, the mood, the atmosphere that settled in the room, made Kurt's life mission to get Blaine to finish his song. His own hands took over the keys and he was barely aware of the weight of Blaine's head on his shoulder.

He let the final chord carry on for long seconds, while Blaine silently wept on his shoulder.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" he whispered, not wanting to break the silence but feeling like he had to, for Blaine's sake.

A new wave of alarm washed over him when Blaine only nodded once and didn't argue over being a burden and not wanting to cause trouble. The boy practically asked permission each time he wanted something, or even for going to the bathroom.

The drive was silent, both seemingly lost in their thoughts. He arrived at Blaine's house, car running and unsure of what to do or say, how to say goodbye. Blaine motioned for him to come in. Kurt didn't think twice and turned off the car immediately, knowing he would chicken out if he thought too much about it. _At least he got Blaine home in one piece,_ his mind offered as comfort.

They headed straight to Blaine's room, which only allowed Kurt to get brief glimpses of the kitchen and living room. Blaine took off his shoes and threw it around the room before lying face down on his bed, leaving Kurt to position the chair near Blaine's desk to face him.

"You remember that Sadie Hawkins dance I told you about?"

Blaine was leaning on his elbows and waited until he saw Kurt nod before continuing.

"The guy I went out with was my best friend, Ronald. Well, he told everyone to call him Ron. We got called Harry and Ron all the time," he laughed without any humor, "I kept my hair so much shorter than now and gelled and had these nerdy glasses so of course I was the Harry."

Kurt tried to picture what Blaine was telling him, but his mind drew a blank.

"So, after the attack, I transferred to Dalton and Ron's family moved to another state. Of course we kept in touch, despite both our families' protest."

"We didn't get to meet because of the distance and when we started school again, we got busy with school and getting used to new environment. To be honest, I think a part of us, wanted to stay away from each other, so we wouldn't have to re-live the attack each time we talked," Blaine shuddered at the memory and collected himself with much difficulty.

"But after a while, we got better. We leant on each other to get better," he smiled wistfully at a empty corner and Kurt followed his gaze to find a teddy bear thrown carelessly there.

"So, I get a call one day in Dalton, from Ron's cell. It was his father telling me Ron's dead," he gulped and Kurt felt like a bucket of ice has been poured over him, "committed suicide. He'd slashed both his wrists and drowned a full bottle of sleeping pills and whatever he could find," he whimpered at the recollection and began to rock back and forth gently. Kurt got up and sat next to Blaine, rubbing his back.

"The last one who'd seen him alive was his date and he'd said to _her,_ this is the best party of his life. But, next day he's found dead," Blaine was practically on his lap.

"I had no idea. I mean, for all I knew he's been happy and ecstatic about a new start in a new city. He knew all about my life, still I didn't know he'd crawled back to the closet and started dating girls. His family blames me, I bet. How could I not have seen it? I was his best friend. I should've known something was off."

"It wasn't your fault," Kurt interrupted Blaine's guilt-ridden monologue. Blaine shouldn't find himself responsible for others mistakes _or choices,_ whatever. But Blaine shook his head. "They said he had cuts on his arms and legs after they found him. They said it was self inflicted and had been going on for months."

Kurt gasped in horror and hugged Blaine's shivering form tighter to his chest. _Poor Blaine._

"If anyone had to lose it, it should've been me. I mean, his aunt was freaking living with another woman for five years. Me? I had no one. How is that fair?" Blaine looked up at him, his eyes blood shot and seemed to read Kurt's expression and gaping open mouth. He laughed manically.

"But that's not the worst of it. Three days after… _that_ , I get this email from Ron. So, I'm thinking to myself, maybe it's his account termination or a spam or something. I honestly don't know why I thought opening that email would be a good idea."

"It was a suicide letter." Kurt stated, and the look on Blaine's face confirmed it.

"We've already buried him and I get all these words about how I should forget him, it wasn't my fault and how he had faith in me and I was his best friend. I mean, what was I supposed to do?"

Now he got it, all the freaking out over the unknown email. It might be one of the triggers for PTSD Blaine was suffering from.

"What did he think, planning ahead to send me this email, three days after his suicide. Who does he think he is? Freaking Jesus?"

"Did you love him?" Kurt asked, point blank. But Blaine laughed again in that same bitter voice. "You know how pathetic we become sometimes. Crushing over straight guys, going all heart eyes over the first boy who doesn't straight away insult you. Well, imagine a guy as sweet as him, funny as hell, and that in fact, he actually was gay. I was in awe with him," he mumbled the last part, looking down.

_I was in awe with him._

Like he was right now with Blaine.

Kurt pulled Blaine away, feeling his heart smash into pieces.

" _This_ , the leg thing, did you do that with him? Did you pull his leg on his lap or snuggled with him?"

"Yeah."

Now it all made sense. Why Blaine was with him, why he stuck by him and tried to get him feel better. In a way he was using him, not minding that Kurt had been falling for him in every passing minute.

Kurt felt sick. _Stop. This is too much._

He knew Blaine needed him right now. That he couldn't, _shouldn't_ leave him alone right now after what he'd confessed and all the wounds he'd opened. But a part of him was selfish…and scared of what he knew Blaine wanted from him. Comfort, safety... But, he couldn't. Not really, maybe he never was capable of providing it. He was broken.

And now a bigger part of him was already drowning in self-loathing at what the selfish part was planning to do, untangle.

"Blaine, sweetie. It's us. We're home," he heard the sounds from downstairs and felt Blaine growing tense.

He looked around desperately, only now noticing the lack of pictures, the lack of life, just like his own room.

"I can't do this, Blaine."

He wants to stay and help but in a way, he couldn't. He felt betrayed, scared and numbness is taking over everything.

"Okay," Blaine's voice was so hollow and Kurt hated himself for bailing. _Good_ , _he should be._

But instead of slipping under the blanket and cuddling close, providing the comfort Blaine so desperately needs, Kurt turns away and walks out the door. Not daring to turn away, because if he did, he would see Blaine crying. If he turned back he couldn't just convince himself that the sniffles he was hearing right now was just his imagination. And, he wasn't going to turn away, because he didn't want Blaine to see him cry.

Because frankly, if he started to cry he might never stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs used in this chapter:  
> My Mother Had a Brother / George Michael


	16. Chapter 16

Blaine heard Kurt politely declining his mother's request to stay more, but he couldn't focus on what excuse he gave her. Blaine would be grilled later about finally bringing Kurt home. Apparently he'd been talking a lot about him when he got excited and Cooper was gossiping about his little brother's completely platonic friend non-stop and fished him for details non-stop. To sum up, the whole family had known Kurt for a long time, even if they hadn't officially met.

_Kurt._

Blaine's heart gave a painful jolt as memories began flooding in his brain.

"Blaine, dear. I've made some snacks. Do you want me to bring them up to you?" his mom's voice brought him out of his reverie.

"No," he tried to speak up but his voice didn't have much volume, thanks to the fact that all he'd been doing lately was crying. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"No, mom. I'll be down in a minute."

He took his time in the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water, trying to reduce the puffiness in his eyes.

He entered the kitchen to find a tray of snack and fruits enough to feed an army. "Hi, mom." He kissed his mom's cheek and hugged her, sighing when his mom ran her fingers along his curls, "what's with all the food?" he asked, his throat suddenly tight.

"Those aren't all yours, honey. Save some for your friends."

"My friends?" Blaine asked, bewildered. As far as he was concerned, he had two friends. The big stress on " _had_ ". One was six feet under and one had run away from him, leaving as much distance between them as he could. Or, unless…

"Your friends from Dalton. That's why I went shopping."

"Oh, was it today?" Blaine asked, a very lame move, "I guess I forgot about it," Blaine mumbled, feeling dead tired. He could give cancelling the whole deal a shot, but that would cause more worried glances from his mom and silent disappointment from his dad, so it wouldn't do any good in the long run.

"Blaine Devon Anderson, don't you dare tell me your room is a mess. You have guests coming soon," she urged.

"Come on, mom. They're going to make a mess anyway. I'll clean up after they left," Blaine rolled his eyes, a habit which he picked it up from Kurt. His mom went on as if he hadn't interrupted her speech. "And please tell me your head is wet because you took a shower and not because you've been sweating in this heat. Oh, what would they think if you saw this? They'd think you've been raised in a barn," Mrs. Anderson became more agitated at his son's carefree demeanor. He had guests coming in half an hour, for Christ's sake.

"Mom, calm down. Relax, I have it under control," Blaine jumped to reassure her, taking the tray and quickly kissing her cheek, "I'll take these. Don't worry."

He picked Ron's teddy bear off the floor and tried to find a perfect hiding place for it. He doubted his friends would be thrilled with the idea that Blaine had an unhealthy collection of teddy bears and plush toys which he liked to bring them to bed.

He showered, cleaned and laid out the work they were supposed to do in a record of forty-five minutes. He was preparing to announce his victory to his mom when the doorbell rang.

Jeff, Nick and Sebastian came in, exchanging pleasantries with Blaine's mom and complimenting her with a bouquet of flowers.

Huh, no wonder mom loved these idiots.

They went to Blaine's room quickly. Jeff was already munching half of the cookies by the time Blaine was able to rescue them.

"So, let's begin," Blaine clapped, trying to at least sound enthusiastic.

"Whatever you say, chief," Sebastian smirked.

Being around Sebastian was…exhausting. It was all double meaning words and suspicious winks that he couldn't decipher. It was getting fascinated at everything Blaine said or did. Honestly, having this much spotlight on his behavior was both flattering and intimidating.

They were split into groups for their shared homework. Heaven forbid they'd actually get a bit of rest in summer. No sir, not for Dalton students. They were preparing to give a speech at the fair for the newcomers. They brainstormed for about an hour, after deciding to do something about the history of pop music.

"You know, we could start with Elton John and George Michael, doing Britney next and then end it with Katy Perry, that way each of us could work on our idols!" Nick exclaimed happily and Sebastian groaned, propped against Blaine's bed, like Kurt was not only two hours ago, hugging, comforting Blaine. Only then ripping him to shreds and walk all over him.

"Seriously Seb, your pop idol is Britney? Are you sure you're gay?"

"And are you two sure that you're straight. Seriously? Elton and Michael, _The_ uncle of all gays," Sebastian bit back.

It didn't help with his concentration that the banter only repeated his performance of "My Mother Had a Brother" in his mind, his fingers ghosting over an invisible piano.

They left just as quickly as they'd arrived, leaving Blaine's mind in a chaos. His only hope was his classmates hadn't noticed the sudden change and how distracted he'd acted.

Blaine spent about an hour cleaning up his room, _again,_ and then loudly announced he was ready to go to bed, ready to put this miserable day behind as soon as possible.

He lied down and stared at the fluorescent stars he'd put on the walls and ceiling, but the glowing didn't have the calming effect they used to. He moved around, trying to find a balance between hugging his pillow and having it under his head, when his hand came into contact with a cold object. He tried to inspect it in a dark, and after getting startled by the sudden light, he realized it was Mr. Piggy, the flashlight Kurt gave him for protection.

He should've known none of it would end well. Being honest wasn't going to work out when you had a life as screwed up as his. Having Kurt around made it easier to…not live, but survive. He had a goal when he woke up in the morning and a new plan forming in his head before he slept.

The door creaked open and before Blaine could find words to tell the intruder off, a familiar shadow crept it.

"Blainey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he mumbled, staring at the ceiling, trying to sound sleepy.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Cooper," he rolled his eyes again. _Damn it, Kurt._

"Is it Kurt?"

At that Blaine turned his head to regard his brother. When Cooper realized that was all the answer he would get he continued, "mom told me he was here earlier, and that he didn't look so good when he left. Do you want to talk about it?"

Blaine faced away and curled into a ball, shaking his head.

"Do you want to cry?" He offered, his voice calm.

Blaine's chin trembled and he tried to groan at the absurdity of it all, that he still had any tears left, but it came out as a squeak.

"Come here," Cooper said with a surprising amount of attention which only caused the flood gates to snap.

"Just screw them all, Blainey," Cooper shushed him, wishing he could protect Blaine, but not knowing how.


	17. Chapter 17

On his drive back, Kurt glanced at the names on his phone as it vibrated and then went silent, the missed calls piling up. From both dad and Carole. But never Blaine. Somehow it doesn't surprise him.

He notices his dad's car parked in the driveway as he heads close. Now he had to be extra careful at home, to not worry and alarm them with his behavior, even when all he wanted to do was sulk and cry. So he stops the car and resting his forehead on the steering wheels, he allows himself to think about the events of past hour. He starts crying when he realized his heart was broken the same moment when he finally admitted to himself how much Blaine meant to him.

Now, what was he supposed to do? Call Blaine and meet him like nothing is changed between them? Pretend than he wasn't used as a rebound, in a very twisted way? Would it hurt as bad as it did now?

Kurt had no way of finding the answers and staying in the car filled with so many memories was making it harder to take the next breath.

He leans back on his seat, bringing his cold fingers under his eyes, so they wouldn't look so red. He looks up to see Burt standing in front of the window. He looked worried. Kurt could only hope he hadn't witnessed his breakdown, but it didn't seem likely.

"Hi, dad," he waves after locking his car, "how was the trip?" he asks. But his dad isn't buying his attempt at averting the interrogation.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Burt asks, giving his son's shoulder a tiny squeeze.

"No, I'm fine," Kurt shrugs.

"You don't look fine," Burt argues.

Well, so he wasn't fine, sue him. He hadn't been fine for a long time. He'd only gotten distracted from it enough and it only created the illusion that he was happy. Well, his happy pills weren't working anymore.

He had a right to be not fine once in a while.

They enter the house and Kurt feels just about ready to explode.

"I don't know what you want from me, dad. I'm doing everything I can to be normal," Kurt started to yell, surprised that anger managed to rear his head out of the jumbled emotions he was having. Instantly he felt guilty as he saw the hurt look on his dad's face.

"Dad, I'm so sorry…"

"Of course drama queen over here has to make everything about himself," a voice called out from the kitchen.

"Finn?" he asks, startled to hear his brother's voice so near.

"Finn!" Carole scolds his son with a warning glance, but Kurt isn't paying much attention to it. All his focus is on his step brother.

Finn was there on a kitchen chair, his leg bandaged and placed on another chair. He kept casting dirty glances at Kurt's direction, but never meeting his eyes.

"What, mom? I shot my leg and he is the one making a fuss and getting attention. Typical," the ugly edge on Finn's voice was back and it sent a chill inside Kurt.

"What? You shot your leg?"

"You didn't get the memo?" he laughs bitterly, "I shot Rachel to my leg," Finn sighs.

"What?"

"I was cleaning her…" when he sees Kurt's even more confused face he clarifies, "dude, my gun. Stop asking me so many questions. Mom's making me eat soup before I fall asleep from all the meds."

Kurt kneeled besides his brother, taking in lack of color on Finn's face. Seeing him refuse to eat was an alarming sign.

"That sucks," he tries to sound sympathetic, "are you in any kind of pain right now?"

"Nah, I'm good," Finn rolls his eyes, a silent "not that you care" easy to spot in his face, "the trip kind of wore me out so my leg's acting up again."

Kurt knows that Finn is acting polite for Carole's sake and he's been through enough of Finn getting hurt or sick to know how extra cranky he gets. So, he knows that rationally he should let him sleep it off.

Kurt sets the table for the rest of the family and mutters a "not now" when Burt tries to figure out how his day was. Then he helps Finn shuffle to bathroom and then with Carole's help Finn lies down on his bed. When he was exiting Finn's room, Kurt could swear he could hear Carole singing to his son. It brought back memories of his mom singing him to sleep and he leaned against the door for a few minutes to listen, tears starting once again to roll down his cheeks and walks back to his room.

Kurt has no idea how long he's been crying his eyes out. His head is spinning from the amount of tears he spilled for everything and nothing so he isn't able to compose himself and Finn thumps into his room to find him lying face down and sobbing.

"They gave you a crutch?" Kurt asks, his voice hoarse.

"Yeah, this way I can move around more easily on my own," Finn explains.

Kurt gives him a small smile and lies down on his side, facing away from Finn. He feels a weight on his bed and looks back to see Finn trying to prop himself on it. He sets up the pillows for Finn and helps him sit comfortably.

"Dude, I'm sorry for what I said back there," Finn starts.

"It's okay," Kurt shrugs. He's not mad at Finn.

"No, it's not. I acted like a complete idiot. And not just now. I've been a jackass to you for months."

"That's not true," Kurt shook his head, "you were right. I am a drama queen."

"No, you're not," Finn unconsciously scratched at the bandages, contemplating his next course of action, something his sergeant told him to always do, "look, Burt asked me to look out for you, after you got back from the hospital, but I failed you," Kurt tried to protest but Finn didn't allow him, "No, listen to me. When the glee club asked me to invite you to the goodbye party, I told them I asked and you refused and not to bother you over it. I didn't want you to come. I guess I was jealous...and a little scared of you."

Kurt sat in a stunned silence, considering his step brother's confession.

"But I promise I'll make it up to you," Finn grinned at him and Kurt smiled back, "So, I'm going to make two cups of warm milk and sneak us some cake and you're going to tell me all about the time I was gone."

Kurt stops him, he's already been moving so much. But Finn insisted that they need to have a chat, so he goes to the kitchen and grabs a plate of pie and pours two glasses of milk, adding some honey for himself and Nesquik for Finn.

It felt good to have someone listen to him rant. He told Finn about meeting the glee club and Finn fished him for information about "the boy he'd been seeing" and Kurt had blushed and told a toned down and "no dead best friend" version of his relationship with Blaine. Simple, like it had been only a day ago.

Before he had a conscious thought of doing it, he tells Finn about the fight and how he thinks he'd lost his friendship with Blaine.

"Well, I think I'm missing something here, or my head is busting from all the information about this Blaine. But, I think you should give yourself a chance to figure everything out first, you know. If you're hurting this bad, maybe you should just let him go."

Kurt felt his knees give out and almost drops the glass, a big fat "No" forming inside his mind.

"Maybe letting go isn't the right thing," Kurt looks out of the window, his mind no longer in the house, "you know that Rachel misses you. Judging by the amount she's bugging me about where you are and when you are going to coming home, she'll take you back if you just call her."

"I don't want to come back when I failed at one thing I thought would make me less of a Lima Loser," Finn sighs, "you're defrosting, dude."

"Deflecting," Kurt corrects him.

"I know," Finn sticks out his tongue, "I just wanted to make you smile."

"You're not as much as a loser as I am," Kurt smiles sadly, "so don't worry, whatever you do, I'm going to be this family's screw up."

"No, you're not. Come on, dude. Don't say stuff like that," Finn looks like he's in pain.

But Kurt doesn't believe him. He's brooding over how he's disappointed his family, how he's worrying everyone he loves and how he keeps screwing up.

"Could you go, please? I need to be alone right now," he half begs.

"Take care of yourself, Kurt. Okay?" he says and shuffles out of the room.

Take care.

That's what Blaine used to say instead of goodbye, Kurt remembers. Well, look at how that turned out. Fresh set of tears start at the memories replaying again in his mind and Kurt slumps back in his bed, making a mental note to set an emergency appointment. He needs some advice… or forgetting pills, he's not sure which yet.


	18. Chapter 18

Kurt spends the day catching up with Finn and fussing over him, almost beating Carole to it. He refuses to leave his brother's side, even as he sleeps, watching over him like a guard dog.

"Kurt, come on sweetie. You need to sleep," Carole nudges him.

"Maybe it would be better if I just stay here tonight. What if he wakes up and trips?"

"The only time he wakes up in the night is when he's hungry and you've fed him more than enough."

"Does he have candy in his pocket?"

"Do you even have to ask," Carole winks at him, making him relax, only temporarily.

By the time he'd woken up, his eyes are closed shut from all the salt in his tears and opening his eyes burns and hurts like hell. It had gotten to a point where he had no idea why he was crying anymore. It was as if his mind was trying to even out all the times he'd laughed or smiled. He wished, no he could beg, for numbness to take over. But he was wide awake and sober.

He forgoes breakfast and then lunch, allowing Finn, who'd recovered his appetite, to gulp down his share. He spends most of the time leaning weakly in his seat and just be.

The afternoon is his appointment with Doctor Adams and he could barely reach the elevator without breaking down again. That's the wretched place they met and became friends. It makes him feel so hollow. On his way there he saw a girl with the same backpack as Blaine's and his heart slammed down his throat.

His heart starts hammering in his chest and he barely could concentrate on making the small talk last with Susan. So it's no surprise that the doctor picks up on it soon.

"What's on your mind, Kurt?"

"Blaine," Kurt hates how his voice breaks at pronouncing his name. "I know," he adds, finally looking up to meet Susan's eyes.

"What do you know?" she asks steadily.

"Everything. More than enough. I know why he chose me to be friends. I know his friend killed himself and I know that he doesn't give a shit about me and I don't blame him, not really. But he had no right to screw over me like that. So, I'm both sad and mad at him."

"Well, I was afraid this would happen. I'm going to say the same thing I'd told Blaine, "don't be Mother Theresa". It's not healthy to be friends with someone who increases your depression. I know you care for Blaine and I'm sure he does too, but at the moment you need to focus on getting yourself better. That's why I'm here. That's why you're here."

Having Susan so discouraging, broke the final thing in Kurt.

"I wasn't even supposed to be here," he laughs darkly, "I never knew how I should cut my wrist, never had any kind of experience prior to that afternoon. So the reason was too shallow and not wide enough," he said, facing his wrist, ignoring Susan, who was listening intently at the sudden confession.

"Look, Blaine has no intention of hurting you. He's just hurting and it's not fault that you can't handle it. I'm going to prescribe some pills for you to take until you calm down and then we'll talk."

"I thought taking a load of sleeping pills would be a coward way to die. Like bailing out at the last minutes. But, people don't take sleeping pills for kicks now, do they? They do it to make extra sure they won't survive it," Kurt adds, his whole body shaking. He doesn't know why all of the sudden he feels so cold.

"Kurt, are you with me?"

"I didn't know that. All this time I was mad at Finn for finding me and calling the ambulance. I was mad at Rachel for forcing him to take first aid classes, in case something happened to her or her voice. But, I should've been mad at me, because apparently I didn't know how to kill myself," he sobs the last part. He hates feeling like this. He hates feeling, period.

"Kurt, you know you're raising a lot of red flags over here."

"So, have me committed. I don't care. I'm done caring." Kurt gets up and frantically starts to circle the now too small room.

"Kurt, please calm down." She looks at him, alarmed and it makes Kurt want to escape, want to shout. Or just throw himself off the window of the fifth floor. But, with his luck he would fail again.

He slumps down his seat and takes slow breaths to calm down.

"Do you want to talk about what happened there?"

Kurt shrugs, not really in mood for talking. Susan understands instantly.

"I think our session is done here. I'm calling your family to make sure you're taking your pills. Here's another prescription for a stronger brand of sleeping pills. Just take it easy for a few days and meet me again when you calmed down."


	19. Chapter 19

Kurt looked in disappointment at the scale. The number hadn’t changed a bit. So that was a plus, he supposed. He could only hope that with the increased amount of medicine he’s taking right now, it stays the same.

He’s a lot better than he was days ago. He’d fallen back to the routine, although without Blaine to cheer him. But he manages well enough on his own, or well, technically with the help of pills.

“You shouldn’t weigh yourself after exercising. It’s going to show more. Don’t beat yourself over it,” a friendly voice calls and Kurt looks up to meet the most gorgeous boy, no man, he’d ever seen. He looked straight out of a fitness magazine.

“Oh, umm, yeah. Thanks,” Kurt stutters.

“Wow, look at those muscles,” he gently pokes at Kurt’s arm, sending a shiver down his spine “Cool down with me?” the dream-guy continues.

They start talking about Sue’s evilness and what their exercise plan is. The guy changes the subject to Vogue’s newest cover and Kurt can’t help but double-take.

They’re in the middle of discussing fall wedding colors when yoga teacher who teaches in the next room approaches Coach. They have a hushed conversation, causing Sue to run frantically out of the room. A collective sigh of relief and sounds of cheering fills the room.

“I told her that her “Le Car” was being attacked by a group of pigeons,” she announces, causing the room to erupt in giddy laughter.

“That’s my girl,” the boy next to Kurt announces. “Ready to have steamy hot, workout session, babe?” he winks at the instructor and then turns to joke, winking at him too, “just kidding. See you later, buddy.”

His girlfriend yanks him to the bathrooms, but just before disappearing he turns around, two thumbs up to Kurt and laughing, expecting Kurt to mirror his gesture.

Well, shit.

****

It had to be the endorphin released in the exercise that after changing to a spare t-shirt and drowning himself in deodorant, Kurt gathered up the strength and courage to drive and then walk up to the familiar door.

But the door opens just as he was about to ring the doorbell.

“Hey, Kurt. Nice to finally meet you in flesh.”

“Hello, Cooper,” Kurt nods and Cooper grasps his hand in his own, shaking it with more force that it should’ve been normal.

Kurt is still standing on the doorstep and Cooper isn’t making any indication that he should come in.

“Can I come in?” he asks, shifting from one foot to another.

“Oh, silly me. But, no,” Cooper’s smile is dangerous.

“But I have to…”

“Let’s just take this outside, okay?”

A chill falls over Kurt. He’d heard this expression far too many times and Cooper is so much taller than the bullies in high school. So, he stiffens immediately, closing his eyes and waiting for the slushie or the blow.

“Kurt, stop. I’m not going to hurt you,” and Cooper’s voice is kinder, friendlier and Kurt trusts him a bit more. He is Blaine’s brother after all.

Oh, shit. He is Blaine’s brother.

“So, I heard you and my brother had a fight,” he starts sternly.

“Yes, sir,” Kurt’s nervous as hell, that’s all the explanation he has for falling into military mode. Cooper smirks, but doesn’t comment on the slip.

“I gotta say, from the moment you left, I’ve spent hours watching Blaine cry in my arms. And later I have Doctor Adams calling my cell phone to tell me I should keep an eye out for my brother. ”

Kurt gulps and looks down.

“Now, tell me Kurt. What have you done to my brother?”

“Nothing, I didn’t do anything,” Kurt tries to make Cooper understand but Cooper raises his eyebrows, skeptical. 

“Well, I know you’re lying. But, I don’t care how and why you hurt him this bad. All I care is you gotta go upstairs and fix him, understood?”

Kurt nods, sniffling. Then, Cooper leaves the door open before scurrying away in another side of the house.

Well, that was a very welcoming reception.

He climbed upstairs, feeling ashamed. Cooper was right. If he had just stayed, they wouldn’t be this messed up. They would’ve fixed all this. And now, it was all his fault. So, of course he should make it right. He owed it to Blaine. Even if Blaine didn’t consider him as his friend anymore, or possibly never did.

He knocked several times but got no answer. He couldn’t turn back now. So he tried the door, grateful it was unlocked.

It was the most adorable position he’d seen Blaine in, and even though his heart was breaking, he couldn’t help but smile.

Blaine was cuddling a teddy bear, using its stomach as a pillow. It was the same one Kurt had seen that day, but then it was thrown carelessly in a corner and face down. It was the typical brown teddy bear, Kurt decided but he could tell it had to be very dear, judging by the way Blaine was clutching it to himself, the white fur that was turning gray and the chewed up brown plastic nose. The bear itself was smiling too and hugging Blaine. Kurt had never been jealous of an inanimate object, but damn it, now he was.

Kurt was studying the interesting, albeit loopy design of the bear’s shirt, blue and light green and too big, knitted perhaps by a kid, when he realizes Blaine has opened his eyes and is staring at him like he doesn’t know him. Kurt wonders if he would be even welcome.

Blaine rubs the sleep off his eyes and blinks, making sure Kurt is still there. He sits up, speechless.

“Hey,” Kurt starts shyly.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“You stink,” Kurt smiles nervously, not sure if Blaine got the reference when Blaine only nods solemnly. Then a mischievous smile falls on the boy’s face a second too late.

I missed you.

“Hey, Kurt. Meet my sleep buddy, Bamse.”

“Bamse?” Kurt smiles. He’s missed this carefree Blaine more than anything.

“Yeah. It was Ron’s. It’s Norwegian for teddy bear. His family was going to throw it away but I rescued him.”

Right, Ron. The six feet under ex-best friend.

“Blaine, this isn’t working anymore,” Kurt states brokenly. They can’t forgive and forget and fall into their old habits.

“Come on, Kurt. Don’t judge me. Look. This is from Wes,” Blaine grabs a stuffed lion from his nightstand, “Michael. Apparently I was pretty obsessed with Wham and George Michael in my sophomore year. Wes was my roommate and the only one in Dalton who knew a little about…about my condition.”

“Blaine, please,” Kurt starts and Blaine cuts him off with a loud sigh, grabbing his face in his hands.

“You’re right. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what you want me to say or why you’re here. If you want to go, go. I sure don’t need to give permission for that.”

Boy, that hurt.

The sharp edge Blaine spat his words was nothing like the boy Kurt used to know.

“I’m here to apologize and make it right,” Kurt clarifies. Cooper wouldn’t let him leave. He isn’t going to let himself leave.

“You left me,” Blaine stares away, but still the hurt is apparent in his voice.

“But, I came back,” he reasons lamely.

“Okay, then. What do you want?” Blaine leans back on the headboard, hiding his face behind Bamse. He looks so…guarded, like he’s expecting a blow.

“I want to know why you choose me. Was it being gay? The suicide thing?”

Blaine doesn’t need to be told, he know exactly what Kurt is asking.

“When I heard you laugh that first time, you had the same edge, the same lifelessness Ron used to have. I wanted to talk to you. I had to make sure so I tried to talk to you later. And well, it happened. I got stuck with you,” Blaine laughs and Kurt flinches.

“Oh,” is the only response Kurt is able to come up with.

“So, what should we do now? Stay friends? Clean slate? Turn away and goodbye?” Blaine counts off like it doesn’t even matter, but Kurt is almost sure it was a façade.

“Don’t be Mother Theresa?” Kurt smiles and Blaine looks up startled and nods, “well, therapists are stupid. What do you say we make our own rules?” he asks, a few tears slipping away from the corner of his eyes. When Blaine doesn’t immediately reply he sits on the bed, merely a foot away from his friend.

“Blaine, I need you.”

It had to be the drugs, or the exhaustion making him this honest. Or maybe it was the desperation to have his friend back that would make him say anything.

Blaine draws a sharp breath to his lungs, searching Kurt’s eyes.

“I don’t care you pity me. I don’t care that you won’t want us to be friends anymore. I don’t even care that you don’t care. I just want this, just once.”

Kurt whispered and tilted his head close, and experimentally pecking Blaine’s lips once, then twice. Soon he melted into the kiss.

When they broke off, Kurt kept his eyes closed for some extra second. When he opened them he could only see the surprise in Blaine’s face.

“What the hell was that?”


	20. Chapter 20

Kurt looked around uncomfortably, looking ready to bolt right out of the door.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled and Blaine looked at him like he didn't believe what had just happened. Because Kurt kissed him and that was…impossible. Since last time he checked, Kurt was determined to stay as far away from him as possible. Just…

"Again, I repeat my earlier sentence, what the hell?"

"Umm, well we kissed…I mean I kissed you and…"

"Well, yeah, that too. That was "Holy shit, what the freaking hell was that?", but I was thinking about the part before that. What do you mean that I pity you, that I don't care about you. "

It wasn't when he saw the way Kurt cringed at the sentence and scooted away that it really began to dawn over him that Kurt really thought that. But why and how would someone like Kurt think that?

He shifted closer to Kurt and knocked on his forehead twice.

"When are you going to get through your thick head that I like you…I like having you around. I don't pity you and I care about you," he said but Kurt looked skeptic, like he still wouldn't believe him.

"So, you didn't become friends with me to make amends for not saving your friend?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?"

"So, I'm not your pity project? You actually and willingly want to…" Kurt babbled on.

"Woah, Kurt. Slow down. One question at a time," Kurt started to talk again but Blaine held up one finger, "and I get to ask too. You completely lost me here."

"Okay."

"First of all, no way. I don't think of you as a pity project, how could I?"

Kurt looked at him, waiting patiently for the question.

"That was my question."

"I'm not in your head, Blaine." How wrong he was about that. "But, look at me, I'm a mess. I would pity me," Kurt laughed bitterly at that, "Do you actually and willingly want to be with me?"

"Of course. Why did you leave?" Blaine asked, his voice breaking. Kurt had known he didn't want to be left alone.

"Are you deaf? Because I thought you're only friends with me to somehow get even for your friend's death. That I'm just a replacement and I couldn't take it."

"You're starting to talk like a therapist. You're not a replacement," he held Kurt's hand in his own and waited until he looked up to him, "so maybe it was my subconscious who chose to talk to you that first day. But, I was the one who chose to stay with you. I was the one dragging your ass with me to god knows how many ice-cream shops."

"But, you still have your abandonment issues and you're not over your friend's death," Kurt stated.

"So, sue me. I'm flawed."

A tense silence fell over the room.

"You didn't let me ask my question," Kurt pouted and Blaine felt what a relief it to have him here, joking around.

"Because there's no more questions to answer," Blaine told him, honestly eager to leave it all behind, "everything was just a whole deal of over-reacting and misunderstandings. So, I forgive you," Kurt tried to talk but Blaine started to talk faster, "Let me finish. Even if you don't. And I promise I won't spring something big on you, without at least hinting first. See, you didn't have to do the tongue dancing to win me back. I'm already won back."

"Oh, shut up. Sap," but he could see his friend was barely muffling his laughter.

"Did I taste good?" Blaine batted his eyelashes.

"Oh my god, Blaine…"

Kurt was as red as a tomato.

"So, who tastes better, me or ice-cream?"

The redness reached the "fire truck" level and the blush looked permanent on Kurt's face.

"Blaine, please, for the love of all, stop talking," he stuttered.

"Oh, come on. You love me anyway."

Blaine was confused when Kurt smiled wistfully at that. Then asked warmly.

"So, we're friends?"

"Yeah, of course." It was frustrating that he had to check it this many times. He dragged Kurt up with him, urging him to stand up.

"Come on. I'm hungry. You should stay for lunch."

He felt ready to eat an army's worth of food.

"You cook?" Kurt raised a skeptical eyebrow at him and Blaine laughed. He knew him too well.

"No, but Cooper orders a mean pizza."

Kurt rolled his eyes, but then shuddered. "I don't want to impose."

"Now, who's the silly one? You're not imposing, silly."

"Okay, then," he agrees.

Blaine yells "Yippie" and fist pumps the air and does a victory dance right then, much to Kurt's amusement. Blaine felt so giddy it felt surreal. It was as if the past days' misery vanished with Kurt and he felt better than he ever was.

Blaine tried to lead Kurt out of the door and into the kitchen, but Kurt stopped him and looked threateningly, "I mean it, Blaine. You stink."

"But you still kissed me, so it's not that bad," Blaine whined and was amused to see the blush creeping back.

"I mean it. No lunch for you until you shower."

Blaine sighed and made a show of gathering his clothes and dragging himself to the bathroom. He pouted when Kurt laughed at him.

For a moment there, Kurt was scared. Scared of forever losing Blaine and spending the rest of days just going through the motions. And when he heard Blaine's surprised exclamation, he suspected the worst. Rejection, hate, repulsion.

But for some miraculous reason, Blaine still wanted him. So he'd suck up his unwanted, useless feelings and be grateful that Blaine still considered him as a friend.

He walked around the room, which was too big now that Blaine was gone. He looked at the writings Blaine had on his desk, French homework and an essay about Katy Perry. Kurt took a look at the homework and because he was bored as hell and it was like crack to him, he corrected some of the spelling and grammar mistakes he found on the page with the pencil he found, his love for French not allowing him to let it go ignored.

His attention was turned to Blaine's bed. Bamse, a funny name for a teddy bear. Kurt held it experimentally in his hands, surprised at how soft it was. He squeezed it once, and the bear still remained smiling. Then he took off his shoes and lied down on Blaine's bed, keeping the bear, that smelled faintly of Blaine, to his chest. Soon, the position changed to the one Blaine had not an hour ago, cuddling Bamse tightly to his chest. He felt so comfortable and relaxed, he just had to close his eyes. Just for a few moments.

Kurt felt a strange delicious smell tickling his nostrils and a soft, joking voice sing-songing.

"Pizza is here, come on sleepyhead. Wake up."

"Oh," Kurt looked around, disoriented, "how long was I out?"

"About an hour," he answered, "you looked tired," Blaine added sympathetically.

"Damn it. I have to call home. I was supposed to come straight home from gym." He scrambled off the bed and sure enough there were several missed calls. He called back immediately. It answered after the first ring. Oh, boy. He was in deep trouble.

"Oh, hi Kurt," his brother's cheerful voice boomed from the line.

"Hi, Finn. Are you alright?" Blaine looked up worriedly, mouthing a "what?" which Kurt mouthed back "tell you later."

"Yeah, I'm doing so much better."

"That's good. I'm at Blaine's. I just wanted to say I'm staying for lunch. I'll be back in one," Blaine whined from the corner, "okay, two hours."

"You go, dude. Do you need me to come kick his ass for you?" he asked, sounding as threatening as a kitten.

"No, the last thing I need is to have two brothers have pissing contest," Kurt rubbed his forehead, wincing at the mental image. He could feel Blaine shaking with laughter.

"Well, I'm so glad you two made up. I'll tell mom and dad. Have fun, dude," he said and hung up.

"Ready?" Blaine asked, linking his arm with Kurt's.

"Sure. Lead the way, mister." Kurt replied. Though it was his second time staying here, he felt strangely at home.


	21. Chapter 21

The pizza party, as Blaine called it, went really well, all thanks to Blaine breaking the tension between Cooper and Kurt with constantly joking. Cooper kept glancing at his baby brother, now laughing and joking, his tears all forgotten, with a proud, satisfied smile. The smile that turned just a tad bitter when from the corner of his eye, he saw Kurt laughing along with Blaine. He still was not over seeing Blaine so broken about Kurt. Having your brother, your very held-back, carefree brother, breaking down and become a crying mess in your arms, and all because of this boy, made Cooper lose almost all of his high opinion he had for Kurt and his belief he was good for Blaine.

But Kurt wasn't perfect. Cooper knew that. Hell, he didn't know his story, his brother was too polite to share any details, but life mustn't be easy on him that he occasionally visited a therapist. However, Cooper had to be blind to see how happy Blaine was these past month, still extra clingy and hurting, but he didn't woke up to nightmare as often. He even caught Blaine humming and singing a tune a few times.

He bit his tongue, several times in fact, during lunch, from saying something nasty to Kurt. It wouldn't be fair to fault Kurt that much and Cooper would have to make it up to him sooner or later. After the whole deal with dance and then Ron, Cooper was glad that Blaine had finally gotten a break. He shouldn't blame Kurt for this setback, he concluded but vowed to look after his baby brother better.

"Your food is getting cold, Coop. Dig in," Blaine teased him, nudging Kurt with his shoulder while still talking to him.

Cooper looked at his share of pineapple pizza, Blaine's favorite. He never understood why pizza had to be sweet. Damn his brother's sweet tooth. He sighed, resigned and when he caught Kurt's eye, he winked. Better start making amends now.

* * *

"Kurt, what a nice surprise," Susan smiled and was genuinely pleased to see Kurt smile back. She chatted, asking about his family's health to put him at ease and help him open up.

"How are the pills working for you?" she asked when she felt Kurt's relaxed enough.

"They're good. My sleeping has gotten much better. The side effects have kicked it. I'm nauseous in the morning, after taking them. Finn calls them my morning sickness. He thinks it's funny," Kurt rolled his eyes, but scoffing affectionately.

It had been the right course of action to change Kurt Hummel's medication. Susan had noticed the boy going quiet and morose in the last sessions when he still was on his other medication. He'd be more open to talk about suicide, almost glorifying it in his speeches. She kept a sharp eye on him, see if he could manage this episode by himself, but after a frantic call from Burt Hummel, she was already consulting her fellow doctor for a suitable replacement.

When Kurt came to him a few days later after that, Susan was alarmed to see the lifelessness in boy's eyes, the resignation. But, she couldn't push Kurt more, especially when Kurt admitted having three sessions a week was making him nervous. She remembered the first time she prescribed the pills, how Kurt believed he was crazy and pills would make him less himself, more a "freak". It took a few sessions to explain the chemical effects and a few more for Kurt to believe her.

"I'm really glad to hear that. So, what's new?" she asked, her pencil sharp and ready.

"Everything's fine," Kurt sighed, with a happy smile on his face. A good sign. She pushed for further information.

"That's great, want to tell me more?" she asked softly and saw Kurt lean more comfortably, his expression thoughtful.

"Well, Blaine and I made up," he looked up, a touch of guilt coloring his face. Susan remembered how affected they both were by their friendship and ending the friendship had nearly destroyed them. He remembers Cooper Anderson, calling her, asking guidance on what he should do, what to say, or not say to his brother. She nodded at him, showing she was there to listen, not judge.

She listened to Kurt tell his side of story, his eyes glistening by the end.

Susan had to admit that Kurt was one of his favorite patients. It was easy to like him, with his witty comebacks and then honest confessions. When all his walls come down it revealed a chaos of a troubled boy he hid from all. She saw too much of her own teenage years in him and it made her even more determined to help him get back on his normal life.

"I saw it, I saw how broken Blaine was over his friend's death. And I just couldn't shake this feeling that, it could've been me, you know. Blaine could've been Finn, or Rachel or hell, any of my friends. I don't even want to think about my dad. I can't believe how…how I thought, I'd be doing everyone a favor by…by… " Kurt gulped.

That was it. That was the reason Susan knew that despite how much Kurt threw temper tantrums and ranted how good it would be for everybody if he'd killed himself, she thought about their tense previous session, she knew that Kurt wasn't a danger to himself. Not with wounds still fresh, not with the scar in his wrist a reminder.

Susan had to make sure Kurt remembered it enough and then watch his progress, to not just live out of guilt, but for himself. She wished, more than anything, that Kurt could see the joy in life again.

* * *


	22. Chapter 22

Blaine skipped to the familiar porch, feeling excited to spend a great day with Kurt. He rang the doorbell once and stood, waiting. It took a couple of minutes and some shouting discussions from inside the house but the door finally opened.

Blaine came face to face with another boy he didn't know, about his age, his leg bandaged and using a crutch. The boy's face broke into a bright smile in recognition.

"Oh, hey. Blaine, was it? Come on in."

So, this was Finn, then. He didn't know what he expected Kurt's famous stepbrother would look like, but he looked, well, too… normal.

"Who is it, Finn?" a woman's voice, Carole's, called out from nearby.

"It's Blaine," he hollered back.

"Well, don't just stand there. Invite him in," Carole commanded and Blaine grinned in spite of himself. She sounded too much like his mom.

Blaine found his way to kitchen easily, following the delicious smell, with Finn trailing close by.

"Oh, hi sweetheart. Sorry I couldn't come greet you. I'm a little bit stuck here," Carole winked and gave him a warm smile. Her hands were covered in flour and she was cutting what appeared to be cookies with a sharp cookie cutter. Finn was watching her with big adoring eyes and Carole slapping his hands away when he tried to taste the dough.

"Is Kurt here?" Blaine asks politely, still standing outside the kitchen, not sure if he should disturb the family's peaceful and intimate activity.

"No, he's gone to gym. But he'll be back soon," she promised.

"Come on, dude. Grab a cookie and decorate it, we've got frosting and colors here," Finn prompted, grabbing a handful of them and sighing happily.

"Man, I've missed this. It's been ages since you made cookies, mom. And Kurt doesn't bake anymore," Finn pouts and Blaine frowns at the revealed information. He needs to ask Kurt about it.

"No, honey, you need to wash your hands first," Carole gently scolded him, as Blaine was inspecting the different bottles. Blaine goes to the bathroom, mortified.

After staring at the equipment in total bewilderment for couple of minutes, he hears Carole approach his side.

"You haven't done this before, have you?"

"No, ma'am," Blaine hung his head down in shame, his ears turning red.

"Here, let me help you," Carole said grabbing the squeeze bottle along with Blaine and gently guiding his hand, lets him complete the smiling face he was drawing on the cookie.

Blaine wondered if they knew, or if Kurt had told them, about his history. If that was why they were acting so friendly to Blaine, because they pitied him. Or if his longing for a family to do activities as harmless as making food was that apparent on his face.

It took a few tries, and more than enough messes, but Blaine finally got the hang of it, blushing at Carole's proud smile as he presented the first work he'd done by himself.

"Oh, here he is," Carole exclaimed happily, going to wash her hands in the sink.

He heard an engine roar and peered outside the kitchen door, a wicked grin on his face to surprise his friend. He was startled to meet Burt Hummel.

"Hi, Mr. Hummel," he stuttered.

"Hello, Blaine. Nice to see you here. Is Kurt home?" Burt asked, a frown on his face.

"No, sir," Blaine replies formally.

"Well, good. Because he said he'd be taking my shift before lunch. I swear the kid makes me feel like I'm retired already," Burt scoffs affectionately.

"But, I'm sure he'll be back from lunch, wherever he is, we'll be glad to have you stay over for lunch," Carole added.

"Oh, no no. I don't want to cause any trouble. Now that Kurt's going to be late, I'll be leaving," Blaine replies, his head hung down, feeling outnumbered.

"You're not any trouble, kid. I was just about to catch a documentary about Buckeyes. You can watch it with Finn and me, if you want."

"Buckeyes?" he glances at Finn, who nods. He doesn't have any other plans for today, so listening to therapist-voice in his head he agrees.

"Sure. Thank you, sir."

Burt scoffs but doesn't comment further because he had found the channel and the program has already started.

Blaine shifts nervously in his seat in the couch. He wonders why he feels that way. He can hear Susan's voice in his head and that can't be that healthy, but it tells Blaine to think back on when else had he gotten that feeling and then he remembers.

It was a lifetime ago, he had gone to a fair amount of dates, with girls, far too many that was necessary, to be honest. Why this moment felt like the much dreaded meet the parents' part, he didn't know, but boy, he was so edgy. He never felt like this in any of the previous visits with his girlfriend's parents. Maybe because he somehow knew, even when he didn't really know, deep down that nothing would happen.

The commercials started and there's a collective groan of annoyance in the living room.

"Finn, why don't you go help your mom cool the cookies in the cooling rack?" Burt suggests and Blaine gulps, hard.

Finn stumbled out immediately, eager to help his mom or eat the cookies. A moment later with his startled cry Blaine figured it was the latter.

"Finn, stop eating, they're still too hot," Carole warned.

Both men in the living room share a laugh at Finn's painful mewl.

"So, umm, are you gay?" the comment was thrown so off-handedly that Blaine can only stare at the man in stunned silence. He's momentarily catapulted to the similar question over a disastrous dinner four years ago. The only difference was Burt's gentle, curious tone and not using the other three letter derogatory synonym for his sexual orientation.

"I am," he replies with the confidence he doesn't really have. Burt pats his back which puts Blaine in another shock.

"It doesn't really matter either way, you know. But, I mean, good for Kurt. He had been lonely for so long. Now he has someone he could talk to who actually understands," Burt lifts the ever present baseball cap to scratch his head, "I mean, I try, God knows I do. But sometimes I'm not sure what's going on in his head."

Burt looks at him with too piercing eyes and Blaine understands he's talking about Kurt's depression. His own father wouldn't probably spare more than two glances at him if he weren't his son, much less talk about him to others. And those two glances were only filled with disappointment. Disappointment over his grades and how he'd had to repeat a year, his depression and PTSD, his less than athletic status, his obsession over music, teddy bears…and boys.

"I'm going to look out for your son, Mr. Hummel. Don't worry," he promises earnestly.

"I know, kid. Just make sure to look after yourself too," Burt smiles at him and turns his attention to the noisy reporter and shouts for Finn to come. Blaine feels a huge lump in his throat and he nods, unable to say anything.

When the program ends, Carole had given him a container filled with cookies, which Blaine stutters his many thanks, Finn gave him a gentle pat in the back and a quick but firm handshake from Burt.

Kurt has just kicked Finn out of his room and is dozing off in his bed when he's startled awake by a Skype call. It was Blaine, of course. In days they wouldn't see each other, they would report what happened to each of them that day.

"So, how was your day?" Blaine asks, munching on some homemade cookies. Kurt taps his chin thoughtfully, counting off his fingers.

"Let me see. Waking up. Breakfast. Pills. Gym. Garage. Lunch. Pills. Skyping with Rachel for nearly an hour. Going all relationship guru on my idiot brother. Pills and then I'm talking to you. What about you?"

"Right with you until breakfast and pills. But, then I got to your house and made cookies with your family," Blaine exclaims happily.

"You came here? Seriously?"

"Oh, yeah. I certainly did. Why didn't you tell me that your brother was that much tall?"

"I'm so sorry. I was…"

"At gym, and then garage. Yeah, I noticed that when you weren't there. You're going to have to tell me the times you're going to be out of home so I can plan my surprise visits," Blaine says.

"Okay," Kurt promises, muffling his laugh at the absurdity of it, "let me make it up to you," he suggests, not wanting a sulking Blaine in his hands.

"Yay!" he's deafened by his friend's happy yell.

"But don't make me regret it," Kurt added immediately before Blaine's imagination ran wild.

"Oh, no. I have the perfect place on my mind," Blaine replies mysteriously and disconnects.

Kurt stares at the screen, wondering what the hell he had agreed to.

"We're going to a park? seriously Blaine, in this heat?" Kurt nagged. They'd been walking for half an hour and it took everything in his power to convince Blaine that he couldn't go blindfolded. He'd be ridiculed, not to mention there would be a great chance he'd fall.

"Don't worry. It's just some lame old park, with swings and slides and a lake," Blaine assures him.

"Your butt is going to burn in the swings and slides," Kurt rolls his eyes.

After about fifteen minutes later, they reach the park Blaine was talking about non-stop since the moment he appeared on his doorstep. But, he didn't led him to the children's area, like Kurt expected him to.

"Blaine, what are we going?" he asked, alarmed. But Blaine didn't replied and just tugged at his hand, an annoying mysterious smile on his face.

They'd reach the lake when Blaine separated their hands only to throw his shirt in the grass nearby and diving in the water. Kurt watched in disgust as several water drops fell on his face and hair.

Blaine opened his arms. "Come on, Kurt. The water is so warm. It's perfect."

"No, I'm not participating in your insanity," Kurt said horrified to get inside water.

"You promised," he sing-songs.

"You just want to see me shirtless," Kurt quips.

"Well, duh," comes the reply.

"Come on. You'd get a real nice tan and swimming is a good exercise and all."

"I don't tan, Blaine. Not all of us are blessed with your naturally flawless complexion. You put me in the sun too much and I'd turn red. I exercise enough in a safe closed environment, thank you very much."

"Oh, it can't be that bad," Blaine splashes him, frustrated. Kurt dodges.

"I burn like a roasted chicken, Blaine."

"Come on, Kurt. Don't be a drama queen. Just jump in."

Kurt ignored Blaine completely.

"You're lucky I have my emergency sunscreen with me, or I would've shown you the real drama queen."

"You're mean," Blaine calls, circling around the lake.

"Yeah, I know."

Blaine comes out of water, the droplets of water rolling down his chest, which Kurt didn't stare at with yearning, no sir. He perched down in the grass beside the bench Kurt was sitting on, putting his head on his folded hands, facing away from Kurt.

"Blaine, what's wrong?"

"You didn't like my surprise," Blaine sniffled, his voice muffled in his hands.

"That's not true," Kurt sighs. Shit, he ruined Blaine's good mood. What a friend he was.

"No, I plan the worst surprises," he continued, "I thought you'd like this."

"I like it," Kurt says softly. Because he does. He likes spending time with Blaine.

"This is the first time we went out after we fought. I wanted to make it special."

"Oh, Blaine. I'm really sorry," he replies, ashamed.

"So, you won't go in the water with me?"

"No, I'm sorry, but I just can't," he says sadly. It just goes against every instinct he has. He turns away so he won't see Blaine's disappointed look at him.

"You asked for it," Blaine yells.

Before Kurt knew what happened, Blaine had picked him up and was half running and half dragging him towards the water. He heard the splash and then a long high-pitched shriek, which he realized was a mix of his own and Blaine's.

"Gotcha," Blaine said playfully, tapping his nose.

"Blaine, what have you done to my clothes?" Kurt yells.

"I just added a bit water to them," Blaine exclaims innocently.

"You're going to wish you were never born," Kurt threatens at Blaine's swimming figure. And swims after him. Soon the shirt is discarded when it became too heavy with water.

They continue splashing around for a good hour or so. Blaine had brought an inflatable ball, much to Kurt's amusement, and they're too busy playing to notice the time fly. Kurt shivers each time his hand touches Blaine's bare skin and he scolds himself and wants to get over this silly crush. But, was it only just his imagination to think that Blaine was blushing too?

"I brought some of Cooper's clothes," Blaine said after they dried on the towels he brought, "I was planning to steal some of your clothes from your house yesterday but I don't think your family would've gone with it."

He tosses a couple of shirt and pants as they're taking turns changing in the nearby restroom.

"You ruined it!" Kurt calls from the stall, seeing his bracelet sagging in water and tries wringing the water out of it. He steps out angrily, showing it to Blaine.

"You just have to dry it and it would be good as new," Blaine tries to comfort.

"I know. Now tell me, how am I supposed to go out without it in this t-shirt?" Kurt gestures at the short sleeved he's wearing.

"Courage," Blaine provides, holding his hand out, their wrists touching, sending tingling sensation down Kurt's spine.

They exit the restroom and continue their way back to Breadsticks for a nice lunch. Kurt feels ready to gulp down anything, he's that hungry.

"I'm so happy I got you back," Blaine says swinging their hands between them and Kurt smiles. Not as happy as he was, he thinks.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentioning blood and a failed suicide attempt.

Kurt hadn’t had any breakfast. He hadn’t eaten anything since the small snack he called dinner. He hadn’t had any breakfast and Coach Sue had defined new limits for his tolerance. He hadn’t had any breakfast and he’d been working out three straight hours at gym with no breaks. That must be the reason why he felt so lightheaded.  
He was leaning heavily against a lamp post, ignoring the worried stares and annoyed huffs he got from his sudden change of path. There wasn’t a shade for him to sit down and hide from the warm sun. The heat made him even shakier than he already was. But, at the same time, he felt cold.  
He mentally calculated which one was closer, heading back to the gym or trying to get home. His squishy brain told him that it was only a block away to home so he might as well suck it up and walk the remaining distance a little faster.  
Kurt hung his head down in an attempt to shield away the sun, his hands too tired and sore to do the job. A moment later he felt something, something that wasn’t sweat or tears but still felt watery, trickle down his face. It felt like one of the infamous slushies in McKinley that made him wake up every damn morning. He felt disgusted with the memory and immediately tried to wipe it away from his face, but stopped right in his tracks when he saw it was red. Like a raspberry slushie, his mind provided, unnecessarily overjoyed.   
“I’m bleeding,” he murmured to no one in particular.  
He could see his house in a distance and tried to quicken his pace. But, black dots were blurring in his vision and he was swaying. He tried to keep his head up, which made walking even harder task to do.  
He fumbled for keys in his pocket and opened the door, glad the air conditioning was on. His hand blocked his nose, he didn’t want to stain the floor, as he continued to walk to the nearest bathroom. He tried to wash away the blood and remember what he was supposed to do in that situation. His mind wouldn’t cooperate.  
Because blood was trickling down his wrist and Kurt stood there, looking at himself in the mirror going wide eyed. He could feel himself gasp for more air. He could feel the walls closing in on him and there wasn’t enough air. Because his nose was blocked by blood and it was difficult to breathe as it was. And he could swear he felt he was gulping down blood.  
Shit.  
Kurt tried to remember how to calm down. First, turning away from the mirror, it was beginning to terrify him. Yeah, right. Done. Then, he could think of soft, calming whispers, singing in his ear. His eyes filled with unshed tears and he sniffled, causing him to shallow more blood.   
Blaine, of course. Talking to Blaine would be an excellent cure. He dialed the number only to have it directed to the voicemail.  
“Come on, Blaine. Pick up!”   
Was it even healthy? Was it supposed to bleed this much? It felt like it wasn’t going to stop. How many people died from a nosebleed, he wanted to ask Blaine, because he was sure he was about to add one to that population. He grabbed a couple of tissues, stuffing them in his nose.  
“Pickup, Blaine. Damn it!”  
Then he remembered Blaine had gone for a job interview for working as a helper in a theme park. A musical theme park, full of laughing kids, Blaine had exclaimed and Kurt had laughed at how Blaine that job was.   
Even thinking about Blaine calmed him down, Kurt noticed, surprised to hear himself laugh. That didn’t last when he entered his room.  
This was where it happened. He wondered if this was how his family felt each time they entered his room. Still replaying the memories, all the blood. Because that was all it was on Kurt’s mind, blood.   
Seeing water flow from the tap, hearing Rent’s soundtracks, a bleeding nose; it didn’t matter. They all caused dizziness and he could feel himself slip out of consciousness.   
He had to get out of his room, go somewhere else. Think about something else other than that night. He was becoming dizzier each minute and he felt like he was about to throw up.  
A few minutes later, when Finn came from his room to get some snacks he found Kurt leaning to the kitchen chair, an almost bloodied tissue balled up inside his nose and trying not to let his whimpers be heard.   
“Dude?”  
Kurt looked up to see Finn watching him, terrified. Kurt began to notice how his hands were also bloodied, from when he had been trying to stop the damn bleeding. His mind, however mushy and out of order it was, didn’t fail to remind him that this was the second time Finn was finding him with blood on his hands.  
“Were you in a fight?”  
At that Kurt began to laugh. Shaky, uncontrollable laughter that died down, only to begin again. He shook his head.  
“Did someone hurt you?”  
Yeah, me. Kurt wanted to say and managed to croak out, “’ose bleed” and Finn stopped looking at him like Kurt was about to attack him.  
“’m fine,” he continued, “ju’t ti’ed”.  
Finn nodded once and hurried out of the kitchen, not even stopping to make fun of Kurt’s jumbled speech as the result of the ball of tissue stuck inside his nose. Also, it probably was the first time Finn left the kitchen without grabbing a snack. Maybe they should’ve put Finn through therapy too.  
Kurt sighed and pulled the tissue out, wincing at the blood. he poked at his nose experimentally, seeing if it was done bleeding. Apparently not. He changed the tissue and leaned his head far back, staring at the ceiling.  
It wasn’t until he felt a warm hand on his cheek that he realized he’d been dozing off.  
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” Kurt asked when he saw who it was.  
“Nah, it looked like I had work at home,” Carole said with an easy grin.  
“How?” Kurt asked, dumbfounded.   
“Finn called me,” she said, inspecting his nose and silently asking what had happened.  
“I’m sorry,” Kurt mumbled in the end. Carole smiled and shrugged.  
“Do you want me to call your doctor and set up an emergency meeting or have her talk to you on the phone?”  
“No, it’s not an emergency,” Kurt said with his eyes downcast, “I…I don’t want to talk.”   
Carole handed him a tube and instructed to apply some of it to his nose for a few days. She stood there, not leaving until Kurt did as he was asked. Then she handed him a glass of cool juice and some chocolates before allowing him to go back to his room.  
Finn came into his room, handing his phone to Kurt without saying a word. Kurt tried to calm his shaking hands enough to grab the phone.  
“Hey, bleeding beauty,” Blaine’s soft murmur filled his ear. Kurt felt the familiar voice relax him even further. Soon, his eyes began to droop close and fifteen minutes later, when Finn came back to the room to check on his brother, he found him sound asleep, the phone still held to his ear and a smile on his face. He picked up the phone to tell Blaine, who was still talking about some interview, that he was going to hang up the phone.  
A/N: This chapter was born by the combination of Ladyfiona89’s prompt that wanted Kurt having an anxiety attack and an ill-timed, or well-timed, bleeding nose.


	24. Chapter 24

Carole looked at the spotless kitchen. All the dishes washed and dried, the floor swept. He knew his own son well enough to know he wouldn't lift a finger to tidy his room, unless some threat has been made about withholding food or game console. His other son, however, was stress cleaning.

Kurt used to bake, Carole remembered with a sad smile, but he hadn't for a while. Carole had noticed some other things, something only a mother would notice. How Kurt would find excuses to miss out on breakfast, always rushing to get out, or play with his food on dinner and lunch. She also noticed the portion he would put on his plate was becoming less. He ate, of course. But, there wasn't that joyous expression on his face, he looked in pain. Like, he couldn't stand seeing himself eat.

Naturally, Carole got worried. So, she tried to subtly make Kurt have more food in his system. She increased the amount of snacks between meals, sometimes bringing it to boys' rooms herself. She'd try to include Kurt's favorite meals more. And when they were alone, she'd sit with Kurt. A bowl of fruit or small sandwiches and they would just talk, which Kurt would become so animated that he'd forget his aversion to eating.

That wouldn't solve the problem though. Carole would love to ask Kurt, point blank, what seemed to be the problem with him. Was it her cooking? Did he feel sick?

She didn't want to worry Burt over this. Kurt had practically begged her not to mention the nosebleed incident to him and Carole had relented. She didn't want her husband to stop being Kurt's dad and become his watchdog, like he'd been for weeks. But that didn't mean she would sweep this under the rug. She'd talked to some of her nurse friends, some other mothers she knows.

Children would get moody or fussy eaters from time to time, she knew that. Carole trusted that Kurt would be more willing to take care of himself. And it wouldn't harm anyone if she kept Kurt's therapist's phone number saved in her contacts if it became anything serious. She just had to keep an eye out.

"Sit down, Kurt," Doctor Adams waits until Kurt's seated and exchanged pleasantries.

"How's it going?"

"Fine. Everything's good," Kurt smiles, but he feels it's somehow forced.

"How is your job at garage?"

"Good, fine. I'm taking shorter shifts, but I try to be there every day, to help out dad."

"Did you have any more meeting with your friends, the glee kids?"

"No," Kurt said and left it at that. He didn't want to say how he'd become nervous when they stared at him too long or talked with him a little too much, he'd feel like they could feel his depression or somehow find out about his suicide attempt.

"I met Blaine today," he offered instead.

"So, I trust everything is well between you two," she asked, raising her eyebrows and writing something on her file.

"Yeah, it's good," Kurt shrugs.

It felt weird, talking about Blaine and knowing that Blaine had probably sat in the same chair and maybe talked about Kurt. Sometimes it made Kurt burst with curiosity and sometimes he had to check if it was okay to say something, "all you say wouldn't leave this room, Kurt," she would say and it took some time, but finally he started to believe it.

"So, anything else happening this week?"

"Umm, I had this accident, sorta…"

"What kind of accident?"

"A bleeding nose."

"How did it happen?"

Kurt explained the ordeal, feeling the dam open. The rush of feelings and memories, how it felt seeing Finn in the middle of it all. How he tried to calm his anxiety down by thinking about soothing things. He didn't mention that those soothing things were mostly Blaine but he was betrayed by his face growing hot. By the time he was finished, he felt a lot lighter than when he had came in.

"So, you started going dizzy all of the sudden?"

"Yeah, I was walking and then it happened," Kurt answered, puzzled over how that was the thing she pointed out first.

"Why do you think that happened?"

"What, the nosebleed? Probably the heat and dryness. It's summer after all."

"No, I meant the dizziness."

"I don't know."

"Has it been occurring regularly?"

"Yeah, more or less."

Kurt remembered the dizzy spells he had morning, or when he'd stand up too quick and his vision would blur a lot longer than it had before.

"You know, it could be caused by many things. Like side effect to medicines you're taking or bad eating habits."

Kurt looked away uneasily. Susan, of course, caught that easily.

"What was that? Did you want to add something here?"

"I may have skipped breakfast that morning."

"Why do you think you're refusing to eat?"

"I'm not refusing to eat," Kurt protested.

"Okay, why do you think you're skipping breakfast?"

"I don't know," he looked away.

"Take a guess," she encouraged.

"Well, I guess I have been nervous lately. And it makes it harder to eat."

"I understand you don't feel good about labeling your behaviors but…"

"I know," Kurt cut her off, frustrated, "you're probably thinking about the two months ago, when I told you I didn't deserve to eat food, but it's not like that."

"Actually, Kurt, I wasn't going to talk about that. So, if you eat, say, a full breakfast, eggs and bread and jam and all, then what?"

"This is ridiculous. I have no problem eating," Kurt argued.

"That's alright. Answer it anyway."

"I wouldn't be able to exercise. I'll be nauseous all the time… "

"You would be nauseous, because…?" she left the end open, waiting for Kurt to finish it. Kurt sighed and tried to think of acceptable answers.

"Because I'd be thinking of all the food in my stomach just jumping up and down…"

"And all that food in your stomach would make you feel nauseous because….?"

"Because I don't want to bust my ass and work out and then have it waste away because I can't keep from wolfing food down," he said it all in one breath, like he couldn't get it out fast enough.

"But you're not wolfing food down, you're just eating a healthy amount of breakfast. Right?" she said gently.

"Well, yeah…But," Kurt struggled to make the point he was failing to visualize.

"So, it's not making you fat," she concluded then continues, "breakfast is the most important meal."

"But, isn't getting fat a side effect of the antidepressants?"

"It's unlikely, given the amount of exercise you've been getting. But let's say what happens if, and I emphasize if you're fat,"

"Then nothing good will be left of me, I'll be pathetic," Kurt hid his face in his hands, his voice coming out muffled.

"So, the controlling part of Kurt shows up, trying to be perfect. Trying to be that muscled bodybuilder that exercises all the time. And if he isn't that, then he must be fat. Does this sound familiar to you? "

Kurt nodded, his eyes suddenly watering by hearing the words that had been echoing in his head finally said out loud.

"You're already controlling your weight by exercising. So, there's no need for you to worry about becoming overweight," she assured him.

And Kurt felt like he could somehow believe it, so he nodded.

"Picture you're in front of a judge. A completely unbiased judge. And you say to him, "Howdy, Mr. Judge! I don't want to eat breakfast, because it'll make me become pathetic," What would out judge say? Will he accept your argument?"

"No, he wouldn't."

"So, there you go," she said but Kurt interrupted her again.

"But, Coach Sue…"

"Why don't you tell her that you like the way you are and you don't need to eat less."

"It's not like that. I don't have an eating disorder. I can eat when I want and whatever I want. I have more important problems than that."

"And I'm not saying that you do or don't. But this was one of the problems you struggled with this week. So, by trying to talk it through we get to make you aware about what you're doing to yourself, to your body and how you think about it. It's with these little steps we can get you closer to being better."

She left Kurt to think about all that had been said for a few moments and rest his head, before continuing.

"How do you think you're moving on from your suicide attempt?"

"I don't know."

"Kurt, I want you to take a piece a paper..."

"Oh, no. Again?"

"Yes, again."

Kurt groaned and took the offered paper and pen.

"Write down the problems you struggled with when you came here that first session."

"I already did this once," he complained.

"I know. But, I want you to see it again yourself."

Kurt bit down on pen, trying to remember. It wasn't easy, thinking in therapy sessions, his mind felt fuzzier than usual and nothing made sense or felt somehow forced or fake. Like he hadn't managed to say what he really meant. But in the end he gathered an almost acceptable list.

Anxiety over lockers/ school kids/ crowds

Being sad

Not feeling useful

Feeling invisible

Problem in trusting others

Fear of future and what will happen next

"It's done," he announced and Susan got up from her seat to sit in the chair beside his so she could read what he'd written.

"Now, right in front of it, write…"

"How much you think it's gotten better now, from a hundred points," Kurt finished.

"Look at you," Susan smiled approvingly, "you already know it better than me."

"Yeah, just wait," Kurt laughed, "a few sessions more and I'll be the one giving advice."

"See Kurt. Your anxiety, as you've written it down is lessened by forty points."

"Yeah, I can stand crowds more."

"You're right. That's a huge improvement And you're less hesitant in trusting by over twenty points," she reads and Kurt could detect a slight pride in her voice, for some reason it made him uneasy, like he'd oversold himself.

"But, I still don't trust as much," he stammers.

"And I don't expect you to be all friendly and trust everyone in the blink of an eye. But, it's important to see the progress. To compare yourself to what you were two months ago."

"So, about being sad…"

"I'm a whole lot happier now, than I was in a year," Kurt said honestly, earning a smile.

"How do you feel about this session?"

"I'm calmer, more relaxed than I was when I got here," "and I feel like, you know, I could do, what we talked about this session."

"Well, that's really great, Kurt."

Kurt's eyes darted over the clock, surprised to find that he'd stayed ten minutes more. He scrambled to his feet.

"You didn't tell me our time was up," he says, embarrassed that he somehow had lost the track of time.

"That's okay," she assures, "I got my coffee break here with you. It was nice talking to you, Kurt."

It may be the happy pills, or the feeling of a weight dropping off his shoulders or a strange, maybe temporary sense of purpose but it felt like the first time that Kurt could honestly reply "You too."


	25. Chapter 25

Blaine smiled mischievously at the building and clapped his hands in excitement. As usual it attracted the attention and worry of more than one pedestrian. But, he didn't care. He flung the bag across his shoulder and entered confidently. Kurt was here, Blaine was sure of that. He had asked him last night and then double checked with Finn about half an hour ago.

"How can I help you?" the young woman behind the desk put her magazine away, sat up straight and waited for him to respond.

"I just wanted to test your equipments today. So, I'd like a single session of workout."

He filled out the forms then after getting the directions for the gym class, he went to the locker room to change clothes. He waited patiently by the desk for Sue Sylvester to stop her yelling and give him his schedule for the day.

"You'd do well on my Cheerios. You would be great to shoot from the cannonball," Sue said after giving him a once-over from head to toe.

"Umm, thanks?"

Anyway, he spotted Kurt easily. He was laughing, at some joke perhaps, a guy next to him was telling. It was the same laugh he had heard from Kurt that first time he saw him at the therapist's office. Fake, choking. Kurt wasn't having fun, or at least that's what Blaine's mind liked to tell him. It wasn't like he wanted to see Kurt unhappy, but making Kurt really laugh was his specialty, maybe even his job. And he'd be damned if some guy pops in and takes that away.

Blaine couldn't see the guy's face, but he could see he was tall and muscled, with straight blonde hair.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie," Blaine sang under his breath, snapping his fingers in rhythm. When he realized what he'd been doing, he cursed under his breath. This was no time for playful Blaine to come out. It meant he was nervous, the rational part of him concluded.

What if Kurt wants to be alone with this guy? He shouldn't have come without asking first. What if Kurt won't be happy to see him here? What if they're laughing behind Blaine's back right now?

Get a grip.

"Blaine!" came Kurt's surprised voice and Blaine was glad to detect relief and delight on his face. He beamed, running up to catch up with the pair.

"What are you doing here?" he said, wide-eyed, which translated to Are you out of your damn mind? Kurt didn't hold back on telling how workouts at gym wore him out. Blaine had witnessed more than enough afternoon walks turned into slumping in the bed and watching movies to understand the effect the exercises had on Kurt.

"I promised to participate at least once to get what all this fuss is about," Blaine told him, choosing not to mention the part that he missed him like crazy, "unless you don't want me to," he said sadly.

"No, it's alright. Let me show you around," Kurt replied brightly.

So long, making Kurt fake laugh, you annoying guy.

"He's handsome," he told, aiming for nonchalance.

Kurt's nose scrunched up as he replied, "in an frustrating sort of way, yes. But, I'm sure his girlfriend would agree too," he watched as comprehension dawned on Blaine's face.

"Is it really strange that I don't know the guy's name and we've been greeting and talking since I first came here?" Kurt whispered, "I mean, we've been talking for so long that I feel embarrassed to ask for his name."

"Do you want me to ask him?"

"Nah, it doesn't matter." And that one shrug Kurt gave made Blaine's day so much brighter.

Kurt went over Blaine's schedule and gave the instructions for each one. Normally that was what the instructor, meaning the legendary Sue Sylvester, should do. But she was nowhere to be seen and Blaine didn't want to tempt his luck. Blaine volunteered to go to the reception office to get the dumbbells they needed for the next exercise. When he came back he noticed the guy was standing beside the Kurt again. He stood some distance away, convincing himself that he wasn't listening in.

"Cool handband," the guy said.

"Thanks," he heard Kurt utter nervously.

"Mind if I take try it on? I've wanted to get one just like that," Kurt gulped and looked around uncomfortably.

"See, I have a similar one in my bag. I can go bring it for you. You can borrow it if you want."

"Kurt," Blaine called loudly, before the guy made him upset anymore, "would you mind explaining to me what the thingy in here does?"

"Thank you," Kurt muttered to him as he passed.

The thingy was a sit-up table, which Blaine was more than familiar with, but pretended to not know Kurt started to explain how to arrange it for his comfort.

He has a really nice body, Blaine observed when watching Kurt doing sit-ups to show him how it's done. He found out he never actually noticed it. Pale, glowing skin, soft hair, firm muscles. All Blaine had noticed before was his face and the different expression Kurt was capable of making. His colorful eyes and the blush in his cheeks, when Blaine said something inappropriate. That little crinkle in his nose when he's thinking too hard about an answer.

Unfortunately at that moment Coach Sue appeared, taking Blaine away with her. Blaine was no stranger to exercising. All of the fencing and boxing lessons he pursued were the distractions he used to escape his depressing thoughts, but for the last months, laziness and schoolwork overpowered the need to stay healthy and sane.

The first rule of Sue Sylvester was all the numbers she'd written on the schedule was a joke. You had to exercise until you can feel quote, your lungs come out, unquote. The high point of it was, she allowed him and Kurt to do their exercises together.

"I've done all my exercises for today," Blaine announced happily, moving as fast as his weary body allowed so Sue won't change her mind about it.

Kurt frowned for a moment, then looked at his schedule. His eyes lit up and he said in surprise, "So have I. It usually takes forever to do all of this. I didn't even notice how time passed."

Blaine poked at his arms and kept his arm on Kurt's shoulder as they headed to change. He wanted to make sure Kurt was really there, something that he found necessary to do now and then for some reason.

"Get off me, I stink," Kurt tried to push him away, but his eyes lit up in appreciation and lost its sad look.

Blaine let himself be convinced to have lunch at Kurt's house. Cooper wasn't home today, something about a great job opportunity, so he had to be an idiot to choose to stay alone and order in when the other option was having homemade lasagna with Kurt. Of course, being with Kurt was always fun. After their fight and thinking he'd lost Kurt forever, Blaine had begun to appreciate the boy more. Kurt kept him sane, with witty comebacks and caring analysis, always in tune with Blaine's ever shifting mood.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Having lunch," Kurt replied, mouth full.

"You've made this awesome, delicious lasagna and you're choosing to eat this."

This referred to the salad Kurt was apparently calling lunch.

"Actually Carole made it. I just heated it up," Kurt said calmly.

"Don't change the subject. You're just eating a bunch of leaves."

At that moment, Finn appeared at the door, having sniffed the smell of cooked food. He filled his plate and thumped back to his own room, where apparently he was busy…playing games. He wasn't using a crutch anymore, but he still moved much slower and Kurt had told him he had random aches in his leg.

Blaine got up and filled another plate with food. Real food, he thought. "Come on, eat this. And you can have your salad as salad, not main course."

He picked up Kurt's spoon and brought it closer to his lips, "here comes the choo choo train," he sing-songed.

Kurt relented and took the bite, not wanting to put the spotlight back on his eating habits. He'd told Blaine about his last therapy session, another of their habits. They would explain and discuss the sessions as much as they were comfortable. He still wasn't comfortable discussing sessions concerning Ron with Kurt, choosing to sleep those days off. But, other than that, his anxiety and PTSD were fair game. He had long admitted to himself that he needed someone other than his therapist to be able to talk to him about these things. Someone who'd understand, and Kurt fit perfectly.

"I really had fun last time I was here," Blaine told as he helped Kurt with the dishes. Kurt looked at him curiously, wondering where this was headed.

"Can we, please please please, make some cookies?"

"You just had lunch," Kurt disagreed.

"But I really want some cookies," Blaine argued, trying not to sound too whiny.

"We could stop by supermarket and get some for you," he replied, looking away.

"I want your cookies."

"I don't want to bake," Kurt admitted.

They finished the dishes and Blaine followed Kurt's retreating form to the living room.

"Why?"

"I just don't care about it, okay?" Kurt exploded, "it's hard to do something you used to be passionate doing it and now have no feelings towards it. It's too much effort," he said angrily, then his expression schooled into forced calm, "I'm sorry," he apologized formally.

"You should try it sometime. Maybe it could be fun again," Blaine suggested.

Don't give up, he wanted to say, but was afraid it would make everything worse.

"You're mean," he said instead, folded his arms, intending to go on full on pouting mode and that's when pain suddenly hit him. His arms, legs, his whole body ached. He felt like he couldn't move one inch further so he sprawled on the couch.

"I'm sore," he moaned.

"Come on, you've been doing just fine. Get up," Kurt attempted to drag him up but Blaine made himself a dead weight and clung to Kurt's arm, causing the boy to fall onto the couch and land on Blaine's stomach. His very sore, full stomach.

"Ow," Blaine called out and Kurt attempted to get up. But Blaine wouldn't have it. He pulled him to his side and shifted until they were, slightly comfortable and settled on the couch. Cuddling is one of the most favorite moments with Kurt. He can hear him breathing, alive, mouth twitched into a half smile, his arms tightening around Blaine's shoulders and drawing random patterns.

He was surprised to find his eyes were filled with tears. Sometimes it felt like they had a mind of their own.

"My ass hurts," Blaine mentions, to break his own sad mood.

Their eyes meet and they start laughing uncontrollably, Blaine wincing because ow, even laughing hurts.

"We really are insane," Kurt shakes his head, then rubbed his eyes and sighed, "what do you say we go bake you a cake?"

"What made you change your mind?" Blaine asked, puzzled.

"I have to entertain my guest," he replied with a warm smile.

Kurt was willing to assist Blaine through the basics of making then decorating what he said was a simple Chiffon, but truthfully was the most complicated thing Blaine had done.

The whole house was filled with a delicious smell when Carole and Burt came back from work, both looking incredibly surprised and pleased. Kurt had convinced Blaine to stay and they have made homemade lemonade and a freshly baked cake, which he and Finn had more than three slices. Blaine doesn't remember the last time he had that much fun.

It all ended though, with the sun set, and Kurt offered to drive him home. They sang along to the radio, wanting to make the pleasant day last more, even though Blaine's throat still hurt from the push-ups.

When he entered the familiar house, it was dark, only the living room's light was on. It was only his dad, settled behind his laptop. The television was on mute.

"Hello, da..sir," he says cautiously. He couldn't call this man dad anymore. It just didn't fit.

"Where were you?" was the curt reply.

"I was with Kurt and his family."

He watched his father's mouth turn into a thin line. But he didn't comment further. He never did.

"How long?"

"Since lunch," he said in a small voice, head hung down.

"Did you thank them for their hospitality?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good," but it didn't sound like his father was pleased with him, "you can go to bed now," he ordered.

"Thank you, sir. Goodnight."

That meant no late night Skype session with Kurt. Because his mother was probably asleep, Cooper was gone who knows where and dad was…dad. After six months of therapy and cracking open every secret he ever had, his father was that one code no one could break.

Before the attack, their relationship was of mutual hate and enduring, with occasional fights and shouting matches. After the attack was ignoring and detachment, with a definite air of "I told you so," coming from his dad's every unsaid speech. But after his best friend's suicide attempt, all of Blaine's walls broke down and he was more than willing to let his dad in. When he had regressed to his childhood era he would love nothing more for his daddy to care for him. But, instead he watched Blaine's antiques and new interests, like finding night lamps and spending most of his time with children half his age, with cold, barely veiled disgust. Now all he could do was try to please him, but it was never enough.

Blaine rubbed his eyes as he lay down, willing the stupid tears not to spill. Big boys didn't cry.


	26. Chapter 26

Kurt wakes up to the sound of gunshots. The thing is, it doesn't even faze him anymore. He just settles back in his bed and yells, "guys, turn that volume down. Some of us want to sleep."

When nothing changed, Kurt sighed and got up. There goes his off day. He got up groggily and headed towards Finn's room.

"Guys," he tried to sound threatening, but he got no reaction. He knocked on the open door loudly several times, still nothing. He headed towards the television and turned the volume down himself. Immediately a string of complaints filled the now much more quiet room.

"Hey Hummel," Puck called out, holding out his controller, "wanna play?"

"I just woke up," Kurt answers.

"So?" Finn asks, and Kurt refuses to grace that with an answer and instead takes a moment to observe the room.

Finn's room is the untidiest in the house, and that includes the attic. The only way they can get it clean is either by threatening him to do it himself or, in most cases, getting him to leave it for a few hours so he and Carole can make it vaguely resemble more to a human habitat and less to a barn. But unless others were hiding under the stack of various levels of dirty clothes, it was only Finn and Puck there.

"Where are the rest of the guys?" he asked.

"Let's see. Mike has gone on a date with Tina," Finn counts.

"Whipped," Puck comments, stuffing his face with Cheetos. It's ten in the morning and Kurt scowls at him in disgust.

"Artie is going to a film festival, Joe has Bible studies, Rory is helping Brittany clean her room," Finn continues.

"Oh, and Sam has gone LARP-ing with your friend," Puck adds.

"What friend?"

"Blaine," Finn answers, "dude, what is larping? Sam said it was a sort of role-playing. What does that mean?" he wonders aloud.

"Ooh, they're gonna go get some. I didn't know Sam swung that way, or was that kinky," Puck makes a lewd gesture with his hands.

"Live action role playing," Kurt shot a death glare at Puck and explains to a still very much befuddled Finn, "they're basically going to dress up as some characters and fight each other with foam swords. And I can't believe I know the answer to this."

He'd been hanging out with Blaine and learning about his nerdy habits way too much. It was good that he had Sam for that. Kurt wasn't the one to refuse an offer to dress up, but after a headache inducing explanation of all the rules and things he should know beforehand, he decided to pass.

"That's kind of cool," Finn mused.

"Sure it is," Kurt mutters sarcastically, "I'm outta here. Just remember to keep the voice down. I don't want the neighbors come here knocking again," he warns.

He goes to the kitchen, looking for breakfast. He opts for his usual, cereal and coffee. He's fiddling with the coffee maker when he hears the fridge door open.

"That's my diet coke you're about to drink. Regular coke is in the other shelf," he snaps.

"Jeez, Hummel. I'm not going to touch your precious diet coke. No need to freak out," Puck holds his hands up in surrender, then resumes his search.

"Want one?" he holds up a box of chips.

Kurt gestures to his coffee and shakes his head. Puck shrugs and grabs another pack of Doritos from the cupboard, swallowing a handful.

"What's that?" he sees Puck pointing at the direction of his hand. Shit, he'd forgotten to wear his wristband. Kurt cursed his luck and racked his brain for an excuse.

"It's a scar," he shrugs, hoping Puck would let it go.

"I can see that, genius. It looks new… and pretty badass too. Where did you get it?"

"It's from a surgery," stitches were surgery, kind of, "I umm, I had an accident at the garage."

Puck tried to get a hold of Kurt's hand to inspect it further but Kurt harshly pulled his hand aside.

"Man, I don't know what's up with you these days. You've been acting weird this whole senior year," Puck holds up his finger just as Kurt was about to protest, "and don't give me any of that separation crap and starting a new life, 'cause I'm not buying it."

Damn it, he had just woken up. To the sound of gunshots, no less. It was too early to think of more lies to tell.

"It's just been rough couple of months." Kurt sips his still hot coffee, hoping that would be enough excuse.

"Yeah, man. Tell me about it. You'd tell us if something was wrong, right?"

"Sure," he mumbles dismissively and looks, tears suddenly threatening to spill.

"I mean it, Hummel." Kurt looks up to see Puck looking intently at him.

He nods, unable to say anything else. Perhaps his acting skills are failing him or he's gotten too tired of pretending, because next thing he knows Puck is getting up and hugging him close, not mindful that Kurt is mid-bit of his cereal and his hands are trapped under him. "Come here!"

"Ooh, I want in too. Group hug!" Finn calls out, no doubt heading to the kitchen himself after Puck hadn't come back abruptly.

They eventually separate, with wide smiles on each of their faces.

"That was the gayest thing I have ever done," Puck coughs, "and I've shared a sleeping bag with Hudson over there, so the bar's set pretty damn high."

"Puck, we agreed to never talk about that night," Finn mumbles self-consciously.

"Don't take that tone with me, Hudson, or I'm gonna pin you to the wall," when he saw Kurt shaking with laughter, he realized what that sounded like and added in an uncharacteristically squeaky voice, "in a very macho, manly way."

Kurt rolled his eyes. Some things never change. He left the boys alone to continue their marathon of…whatever it was. He remembered something he had promised to do. Kurt walked to the garage, hoping he'll find dad there. But it was only Luke and Mark, working on the cars.

"Hey, son. Are you looking for me?" Burt cleaned his hands on a rag and gave him a warm look.

"Hi dad, yeah. Are you ready for today's session?" He watched his dad look at him guiltily, like a child getting caught eating more cookies he was allowed.

"If I say no, can I get out of it?"

"Dad…" Kurt said warningly.

Kurt convinced Burt to walk back to the house, promising one of the boys will bring the car back home. He handed his dad freshly squeezed orange juice from his bottle so he'd stay hydrated. Finn followed after him in the kitchen when he started rummaging the kitchen for healthy snacks.

"Hey, dude! Wait up."

"Not now, Finn. I'm busy," he dismissed whatever Finn was about to say next.

Kurt entered the unused office area. He had moved the chairs and desks to a corner and had created a small workout room. He carried two step platforms and rubber mats with him to the center of the room.

"That's it, dad. No chickening out."

"Kurt, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"It's a great idea, dad. I've paid blood for this to the dragon lady." Kurt opened his notebook. "Now, we're going to start slow and you'll tell me if your heart started to hurt or you couldn't catch your breath," he crossed out the numbers Coach Sylvester had written in front of each of the exercises he'd gotten from her for his dad. Better start off by dividing it by half.

He started by a couple of easy breathing exercises. The goal was to have a moderate routine. Then he began the stretching exercises.

"And stretch your arms to right," he instructed.

"Your other right, dad," he sighed.

He plugged the music and started the routine. The workout was supposed to be pretty mild. He didn't want to put too much pressure in his dad's heart. But, he didn't want him to stop working and stretching his muscles either. His dad wasn't moving around as much as he used to and Kurt had forbid him to lift heavy weights. So, he had to replace the exercise he'd get at work from these workout sessions he'd arranged twice a week.

They managed to continue for an hour and half, taking several water breaks. It was really important to stay hydrated. He also didn't want to put too much pressure on his dad the first day, so he took it easy and let himself be convinced to increase the breaks.

"Don't you have an appointment in an hour, son?"

"Oh, no. You're right. I should get ready," he ran out of room, nearly colliding with Finn.

"Kurt…"

"Not now, Finn. I'm late," he said, grabbing his car keys and wallet and running out.

"Kurt, how do you feel about having a session with your family?"

"My family? Like, my dad and Carole and Finn, all in here?" Kurt contemplated the idea and didn't like the mental image his mind was coming up with.

"Yes, that's the idea."

"I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why is that?"

"I think it's safe to assume we're not going to talk about the latest Vogue fashions. It's going to be a talk about my attempt, right?"

"That's correct."

"Well, I have problem saying the word suicide, let alone talk to my family about it."

"Maybe it's time that you did. I understand that you're worried of how they might react. You are still concerned over your friends finding out that you tried to kill yourself. But, this is your family. They are an important foundation in your life," she reasoned.

"Can I think about it for a while?"

"Sure"

They talked about how Kurt had spent last afternoon baking. He reported that he had fewer problems in convincing himself to eat a healthy amount of food.

"I want to do it," he said at the end of the session. He had a good feeling about coming clean to his family.

"That's great. Be sure to set up the appointment with the receptionist and tell your family beforehand," she said.

"Sure thing," he replies with a smile. He has a good feeling about this.

Kurt was waiting for the regular call from Blaine to give and receive the report of what they'd done for the day. He was busy reorganizing his room, bringing out the clothes that he wore more and picking the ones he didn't wear often for storing in boxes.

That was when he heard an alert for a Skype call. That's weird. Blaine usually called on his cell phone, except when his phone was confisticated. He rolled his eyes when he saw who the caller is.

"Hi Rachel!" There goes another hour assuring Finn was fine and would call him when he was ready.

"Kurt, did you commit suicide?"

For a moment it was just pure shock, like a slap in the face. He was sure Rachel has said about half a dozen sentences but he wasn't aware of any of that. Then the shock morphed into letters, and formed a single word.

"What?"

He was going to murder Finn. He and his blabber mouth.

"Is that why you were absent for a week? And oh my god, that's why you wore long-sleeved shirts all the time and missed out the glee periods for doctor appointments."

"Who told you that?"

"Quinn did," Rachel squeaked.

"What? How did she know? How do you know?"

So Finn told Quinn first instead of Rachel? And how long have they been on speaking terms?

"Quinn called me because she's arranging a meeting at her house tonight. Actually, I'm about to connect to Skype right after we hang up. Kurt is any of this true?"

It was his fault, it was all his damn fault.

He hung up the phone, feeling his breath come out in staccatos. His phone was furiously vibrating beside him with texts and calls. He looked at the number and picked up the phone, resigned.

"So Puck solved the mystery, huh?"

"Nah, he's too dense to figure it out. Stupid boy got himself in a fight with the jocks today. He said they were guilty that you did what you did. He told me how the marks on your wrist looked like and I put two and two together. To be honest, it wasn't that far off the radar, with what you told me after that session in glee when we talked about what we were looking forward to and you told nothing."

Kurt hummed non-communicatively.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Quinn said in an uncharacteristically gentle tone.

"No"

"Are you okay?"

"No"

It doesn't register in his mind that he'd hung up and then turned off his phone. He just presses the off button, until he can't see the screen. He's numb.

Finn comes in his room about an hour later, carrying a pillow and a huge blanket. "Quinn's orders," is muttered as an explanation. He settles in front of Kurt's bed, not listening to his protests to take the bed and let him sleep on the floor.

Kurt settles on his bed, wondering how he was going to cry himself to sleep with Finn so close, when a hand shoots up to his eye-level. It takes a moment to comprehend that is Finn's hand and a few more to realize he's holding out a phone. He takes it tentatively.

"Kurt?"

It's Blaine's voice and Kurt lets out a soft sob in relief. He can't get the words out fast enough.


	27. Chapter 27

He had gotten a text from Quinn early in the morning, "Emergency meeting at Lima Bean, cancel all your plans for the morning."

Kurt really doesn't want to go. No matter how many pep talks he'd given himself in front of the mirror, he knew it was going to be brutal. Also he had a bad feeling about the word "meeting" Quinn had used in her text. It seemed like a mass-text to all glee club. Everyone was going to be there.

Finn had filled him in on all the details. Apparently after the conversation he and Puck had in the kitchen, in which Puck noticed Kurt's scar and Kurt had replied it was an accident at garage, he tried to get more information from Finn. Kurt had to give it to Finn, he didn't spill anything important. But his less than convincing attempts at distracting Puck and changing the subject had made him suspicious. So, Puck had relied on x-girlfriend Quinn Fabray to shed some light on the matter. Finn had tried to warn Kurt to make up some excuse or have a heads up, but he'd been busy all day and had brushed off all his attempts to talk.

Kurt had also wanted to know what the meeting at Quinn's had been about, but Finn had shrugged and told he hadn't been listening all that carefully, but it hadn't been pretty.

Kurt's imagination had made up a vivid image of how that meeting had probably gone down. Girls would've been in shock and various stages of crying, trying to find out how they could've missed it. There must've been talks about how selfish he'd been to do that. That he should've talked to them, let them help him.

But, for the most part everything had been all just talks and gossip for now. No real facts other than an ugly scar Puck may or may have not seen and a speculation from Quinn. Today, at that coffee shop, they wanted him to admit it.

Kurt had thought about lying, he really did. But, frankly, it wouldn't be any use. As ridiculous as it sounded, he'd been lucky that his friends stayed in the dark for so long. He had to come clean about it and deal with the consequences.

Kurt's standing in front of the parking lot. His heart is beating frantically and his palms are sweaty. He chuckles darkly to himself. The feeling is hauntingly familiar. It reminds him of sophomore year when he'd decided to come out as gay to the glee club. At that time he was worried of the ridicule, whether his friends would abandon him or wouldn't look at him the same way they had before. This was his second coming out.

As soon as he enters, he's immediately enveloped in the arms of three crying girls. He tries to smile and hug them back but they cling to his side and escort him to his seat, reluctantly letting him go.

The coffee shop is empty, except the members of New Directions who could make it and Blaine. Quinn's cell phone is recording the meeting so she can upload it to those who couldn't come. Kurt had been the one who asked Blaine to come, for moral support and he couldn't be more thankful. Because right now it seemed like an "us against them" situation, with the way the glee club was circled around him, and how Blaine had put his hand protectively around Kurt's chair.

Puck was sitting in the middle, looking gloriously proud of himself with a black eye and a swollen lip. Brittany was silently crying in her seat, with Santana softly cooing to her. Rory was looking around, seeming lost. Quinn's face was showing she meant business. Tina looked on the verge of tears. Sam and Mike looked too shocked to start talking. Finn was watching him with an unreadable expression. Before they got of the car, he clapped his shoulder once and had told him, "I got your back, bro," another reassurance he needed. His brother was also on his side.

But despite the fact that everyone was ready, no one knew how to start.

"How could you do it?" it was Santana who broke the silence.

"Well, I picked up a razor and drew it across my wrist," he replied sarcastically. The whole group flinched and Blaine stopped drawing soothing circles on Kurt's shoulder. Kurt shot him an apologetic look.

"So, it's true?" Tina sobs and Kurt nods.

"I'm sorry," he says aloud, "I really am".

Another round of silence falls over the table, everyone is busy looking at their menus, even though the waiter has already taken their orders. Kurt feels heavy from all the stares cast in his way.

"Wait, so the hobbit over here knew, but not us?" Puck stares at Blaine angrily and the attention is shifted away from Kurt.

"Yeah, Kurt. What's the deal with him?"

Color drains from Blaine's face and Kurt feels a pang of sympathy for him. There he was, meeting some people for the first time, who wanted to know how he was connected to a suicidal boy. Of course the answer was a tale of a failed Sadie Hawkins dance and all the crap it followed after that, but Kurt couldn't make him explain all that to his friends.

"Lay off, dudes," Finn threatens.

"Blaine's a good guy," Sam defends at the same time. Kurt mouths a thank you in both their direction.

No more secrets, Kurt thinks to himself and starts.

"I don't know what you want me to say, guys. What you think so far is true. I tried to kill myself two months ago," he gulps heavily, unsure of how to continue.

"When?" he's startled by Mike's gentle inquiry, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"A few days before the NYADA auditions," he replies, his gaze fixed on the table.

"But, why?"

"I was in a really bad place and it kept building up. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore."

He could see a few members nod and he smiles weakly at them.

"I don't want you to be sorry for me, or pity me," he holds up a finger to stop them from interrupting, "I'm a lot better now," he continues. "I just want to be your friend again, if you want me. Not the crazy, depressed, suicidal person you tiptoe around."

There are tears in all their eyes right now and Kurt receives a few warm nudges and he laughs when Puck brings forward his fist to bump.

It falls back on the normal routine then. Well, as normal as New Directions are. Kurt can feel worried glances and anxious questions silenced by a sudden change of topic, but to their credit, they manage to have a nice coffee with friends.

It's almost noon when the manager starts making threats to throw them out and glee club starts leaving, each getting up and wrapping Kurt in a warm hug and muttering a few tearful words to him.

"I'll pray for you, so you'd get back on God's path," Joe lays his hand on Kurt's shoulder and looks at him with empathy. The whole group draws in a sharp breath, waiting for the inevitable blow up.

"Thanks, Joe," Kurt smiles at him.

When he bids goodbye to all of the glee club and watches them leave, Kurt can't stand up any more. It feels like he's drained of all his energy. So he can't really refuse when Blaine offers to support most his weight while Finn is off getting the car.

He finds himself in passenger seat wrapped in Blaine's arms. He inhales deeply several times, letting his head getting clear by the familiar scent. Blaine is brushing his hand gently along his arm and if Kurt could pay more attention they're rocking back and forth, but he can't feel it, he's too numb.

"How are you holding up?" he asks with so much softness it breaks Kurt's heart all over again. He tries to chase away the unwanted thought that he didn't deserve this, any of it.

"This is not about me. It's about them dealing with my actions," he answers mechanically.

Blaine forces him to look at his eyes and wow, Kurt can detect a shade of green swimming in Blaine's worried gaze.

"Kurt," it's both a warning and a plea.

"Honestly? It was about time. I mean a part of me dreaded this moment, but now the truth is out, I don't have to be afraid to accidentally spill. I should've told them a long time ago. They are my friends, after all."

That's all he's prepared to admit and Blaine understands, stirring away from the touchy subject. Kurt starts stroking Blaine's mop of the hair idly.

"That was a really mature thing you did, with Joe."

"I don't believe there's a god, but I understand that for Joe it was the best he could offer as comfort," Kurt sniffles, his eyes suddenly wet and burrows his head in Blaine's shoulder, "as long as he doesn't drench me in holy water, I'm fine with praying," he mutters, making Blaine laugh.

"You're the bravest," Blaine tells, making Kurt's heartbeat go crazy.


	28. Chapter 28

It had been a busy couple of days, with Kurt's phone constantly ringing with invitations to sleepovers and "Hey Kurt, we're going shopping for a doll for Tina's cousin's birthday, wanna come with?" type of calls. He had to call to cancel or reschedule the plans he'd made with Blaine so many times, it was becoming embarrassing. At last, Blaine assured him, he could take this week and how many more days he needed to catch up with his friends.

Kurt was thankful for all the support the glee club was willing to give, even the ones that had a weird way of showing it. He's been terrified for too long of how his friends might react. So, for now, he was relieved. Sure, everything wasn't exactly super, he could feel the whispers behind his back or the awkward silence that settled between the seemingly ordinary talks, but the glass was half full, right? Something that's not perfect isn't necessarily a disaster.

That's why he spent an entire Friday afternoon shopping for toys or Sunday morning babysitting, and enjoyed every second of it. Honestly, most of the times he found it hard to refuse any of the offers out of politeness. But then, when he actually started doing the scheduled activity, he realized how much he'd missed being this laid back and carefree.

So that's why it was four in the afternoon on a very hot Monday and he was already dead on his feet. He'd barely gotten any rest in the weekend and today was the dreaded session with family and it seemed like his family was just as thrilled about it as he was.

Carole was going through the magazines on the table. Finn was helping himself to the third cup of instant coffee and was munching down the biscuits that were set on another table in the corner. His dad was pacing in the lobby, reading the posters. They must've created a hell of an amusement for the rest of the patients, Kurt thought to himself. But, he could hardly care about that. He was busy taking deep, calming breaths, giving himself another not-so-successful pep talk. He'd done it once, no reason he couldn't do it for the second time. There were less people involved and there was a doctor in the room who hopefully would have the situation under control.

When he heard his dad huffing loudly and passing by his seat for what seemed like the hundredth time, he got up and tried to calm him down.

"Are you okay, dad?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Go calm your brother down before they throw us out of here."

Kurt remembered that Finn would start eating everything that was on sight when he was stressed. It was easy to confuse, because Finn was never the one to say no to snacks. But, he had some sense of decency in public places. Now, his behavior was a little far from his normal devouring.

He made sure to get Burt seated and stop him from pacing and then approached Finn, who was currently in the middle of filling his fourth cup.

"Relax, the microscope is going to be on me, not you."

Finn gulped down and nodded, obviously not convinced.

"She isn't going to hypnotize me, is she?"

Kurt started to laugh at Finn's terrified expression. Thankfully the receptionist called out their names and they all followed Kurt to the familiar room.

Susan got up from her seat, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries with Kurt's parents. Then she turned and winked at Kurt, making him smile and relax.

There weren't enough seats so he and Finn went out again to bring two chairs from the lobby, placing it on either side of the armchairs, so all the Hudson-Hummel clan can be seated.

"Okay, everyone. Are you ready to start?" her bright voice effectively drew the focus. She waited until she heard a murmur of agreement from the group before continuing.

"This session is assembled so Kurt could take one step further at his progress. We're going to talk about Kurt's suicide attempt and how it affected you, as an individual."

"We can start with Kurt. Kurt, would you mind telling us about the time you attempted suicide?"

"Sure, I guess," Kurt said, feeling the gaze of his family. This shouldn't be so hard, he tried to persuade himself. Be brave. He looked down at his hands, imagining a piano, "I had been feeling pretty down since sophomore year, so I guess that afternoon wasn't all that different. It had been going on in my mind that I didn't deserve things I had and how much of a failure I was. I had been thinking about how nobody needed me, and in that moment, it felt right to, you know, do that."

He drew a long breath through nose and exhaled, still refusing to look up.

"When did the strain in the relationship with your family start?" Susan asked.

"After I got back home. They started acting as if I was dead already. They were walking on eggshells around me. It just felt awful. I didn't blame them at first. I knew it was one of the consequences my stupid action brought on. I had to earn my place in the family again. But then they pretty much ignored me and pretended I didn't exist. Like I wasn't a part of the family anymore. And that hurt," tears start prickling against his eyes and he looked up to see his father's gaze, looking utterly devastated. He stared down again.

"Who do you mean by they?" Susan prompted.

"Finn, mostly. Sometimes dad too," he mumbled.

"Thank you, Kurt."

She addressed the whole group again.

"Now, for the next step, I want each of you to express yourself on Kurt's suicide attempt. I'm sure you've found ways to express your thoughts to Kurt, but for the sake of all of the family, let's hear it again," Susan encouraged.

"I want to know what we are doing here. How is this supposed to make my son get better?" Burt's gruff voice interrupted. Kurt tensed.

"We're here for Kurt," she replied, "Illness in one family member could be a symptom of a larger family problem."

"Are you telling me that my son tried to kill himself because I have problems?" he seethed.

"I didn't say that, Burt. Why are you suggesting that?"

"That's what you've been saying to me," he insisted.

"Is it because you think you've failed as a father? That somehow Kurt's suicide attempt was your fault?"

"Well, of course it's my fault. I didn't see the signs and get him help. I thought it was a phase, you know. That he would snap out of it, but he only got worse. Even then…I should've done something," Burt looked away, at loss for words. Kurt watched as Carole held his dad's hands in hers and gave it a squeeze. It seemed it was all that Burt needed to collect himself.

"Burt, let's not dwell on the past and argue over whose fault it was. This isn't a matter of fault. This is to get Kurt and this family in a more healthy and stable mental state"

"Look, Doctor Adams. I'm all game for getting Kurt better. Hell, I called you for advice more times than I could count. But, what are we doing here? "

"We're here to listen to Kurt and have Kurt listen to you."

"So, all of this is going to help my boy?"

"It's going to help the entire family," Susan rephrased.

Burt nodded once, collecting his thoughts and he cleared his throat and started.

"I was terrified, obviously. Dead worried for weeks. I didn't see any signs showing that Kurt would attempt such thing. And when he began shutting off, I was worried it was going to happen again. So, I had to make sure it didn't. I tried to get him to go out of the house, get him to socialize," Burt's voice broke, "I already lost Lizzie, I didn't want to…"

"Dad," Kurt whispered brokenly, silently cursing himself. Each time he thought of his suicide attempt and his dad in the same sentence, a sharp pain would echo in his chest. He had been beyond selfish to put his dad through all that.

"It's alright, buddy. I'm alright," Burt smiled sadly through his tears, "just get better, okay?"

Kurt mouthed a tearful "okay" and Susan turned towards Carole.

"Carole, you and Burt have been married for one year, correct?"

"Eighteen months," she smiles.

"How is having Kurt as a son?"

"It's amazing. He's a great help for me, he keeps the boys in check," she adds with a laugh, gesturing to Burt and Finn, "he's a bright student and an amazing son for me and his father."

"Do you want to add anything to the discussion of his suicide attempt?"

Carole's expression turned sober, as she began to remember.

"I was on duty when I heard the news, so I guess at first I didn't really allow myself to process it. I had to make sure Kurt was well, medically speaking. So, I put all my worries on hold and tried to be there for Burt and Finn," she said, her voice gentle and quivering with emotion, "I love Kurt so much and it breaks my heart that he'd get to that point in his life so he would consider taking his own life. But, he could count on us to help him get back on his feet again. "

"Would you mind saying that to Kurt?"

"Not at all. Kurt, my very fabulous son, I'm here for you. We're all here for you. You can count on us."

"You're the best stepmother anyone could ask for, Carole." Kurt answered emotionally, reaching for Carole's hand.

"What about you, Finn? You've been quiet," Susan prompts.

Finn shifts a bit in his seat, obviously nervous of the attention on him.

"I was the one who found Kurt. So, I guess I was pretty much terrified and everything felt numb," he mumbled, "I'm not proud of it but I got angry after a while. I wanted Kurt to be good and happy again, and he would just lie in his bed and never did anything. I figured if I just ignored him, it would be better," he looked helplessly.

"There are often multiple ways to view a situation. In this case, Finn's reaction to Kurt's suicide was to become angry and distance himself from all the hurt his attempt has caused him," she explained, "although there may have been a better and less hurtful way of handling this situation, the level of his reaction shows just how much he really cares for Kurt. After all, if he didn't care much for Kurt and his wellbeing he wouldn't have gotten angry."

"Well, it doesn't feel like he cares most of the time," Kurt thought out loud, but Susan heard him.

"But, I cared, dude," Finn started, his fists clenched, looking at Susan for help.

"Kurt is actually very lucky to have a brother who cares so much about him, even if Finn does have a difficult time showing it sometimes."

Kurt nodded. That sounded like Finn.

"What happened after you chose to ignore Kurt?"

"Even when he wasn't there, all our parents talked about was what they should do to get Kurt better, how he was doing, all the talks they had on the phone with you, and all that."

"So, you were jealous?"

"I think so. I mean, I'm not proud of it, but I guess I was, in a twisted way," Finn muttered guiltily.

"That's completely okay, Finn. But you have to see, Kurt didn't try killing himself to get attention."

"I can see that. And I don't think that way now. We're bros again. Right, dude?"

Kurt smiled through his tears and bumped Finn's fist with his own.

"Yeah. Yeah, we are."

Susan gave them a moment to collect themselves and try to inconspicuously dab away the tears.

"Okay, if someone has anything to add," they all shook their heads, "Well, I guess that's enough for one session. I'm suggesting having at least four more sessions. We would analyze each of the points we found and will continue to find in these sessions and find its roots, so it won't strain your relationships again," she explained, looking straight at Burt, who nodded.

"Thank you all for participating. If you could just step out for a moment, I have a few words with Kurt."

Kurt watched his family say their goodbyes and leave the room. He settled on the armchair, looking expectantly.

"How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, but Susan raised her eyebrows, so Kurt racked his brain, "it feels kinda weird. Like, these subjects were just limited to talking to you. But, now they know and I know what they used to think of me. It's good to have everything out in the open. I just hope things won't get uncomfortable."

They continued talking for a while, making a list of all they would talk on the next session as Kurt didn't want to keep his family waiting.

They exited to the parking lot in which Burt insisted on driving.

"What do you say about a celebratory early dinner at Breadsticks?" he smiled.

"Sure," Carole replied.

"Yay!" Finn cheered enthusiastically. Kurt rolled his eyes, he'd just gulped down the reception's entire supply.

"What are we celebrating?" Kurt asked, trying to mentally calculate the anniversaries and birthdays.

"You," Burt replied and Kurt ran all the way over the driver's seat to hug his dad.


	29. Chapter 29

Kurt had been staring for an hour at the folder he had given Finn. He'd made that folder when he realized Finn didn't have any plans for college. It was a list of all the music theater programs he'd found in New York.

Kurt knew he liked to sing and perform on stage. He's been passionate about performing since he could remember. He felt like he owed it to his old self to at least give it a higher priority.

But now his mind was a jumble of thoughts. Should he consider studying something he didn't like, or wasn't as excited about, but instead get into a school with a better reputation, like NYU? He had high scores at math, maybe he could study engineering. He'd also been good at learning different languages, so maybe he could be an interpreter or something.

There was also the question of where to apply. If he wanted to limit himself to New York, he might have a lower chance at getting in. Whereas, if he applied to any of the Ohioan colleges, his chances to get accepted was very high. But, here the possibility to bump into bullies and people that would make his college as miserable as high school and he might get depressed. If he moved out to New York, California or Los Angeles, he'd be accepted, but also lonely, the likelihood to visit home wasn't frequent with expensive flight tickets and he might get depressed again.*

On the other hand, what did he know? Maybe he'd grow to hate singing or love engineering or any other major he'd chosen. It was one thing to have an idea about a major, but to actually study it in detail… it might not be what you expected.

Kurt had been thinking about what choice to make and how to deal with each of them that he didn't realize his door open and then close.

"Boo!"

It sounded right under his ear, making Kurt jump up and spin around so fast that he felt dizzy.

"Blaine, what are you doing here? How did you get in?"

Blaine laughed, a sound that only he brought to Kurt's room. He tried to hide his amusement with an innocent look on his face.

"Finn let me in. I knocked but you didn't answer. I thought you were asleep, but you were so deep in your thoughts that you hadn't even noticed me come in."

He propped himself on Kurt's bed, hugging a pillow. He mock pouted when he saw Kurt was still sitting behind the desk. He motioned for Kurt to sit beside him and curled on his side, settling in Kurt's arms. Blaine's breath tickled his neck and he instinctively relaxed running his hand through Blaine's messy hair.

"You're extra cuddly today," he observed, with a hint of question in his voice.

"And you're sad. Tell me why?" Blaine asked gently.

Kurt gestured to all the papers he'd laid out.

"I don't know what I want anymore. It's just empty. Like, I know I used to love singing and I remember what it felt like to perform, the excitement, the joy and everything. But now, I can't feel it."

"When was the last time you preformed?"

"Nationals."

"So, that's about two months ago, right after…"

"Yeah, it was. But still…"

"You are afraid," Blaine finished his sentence and Kurt nodded.

"I just don't want to waste my time," he admitted, "if performing isn't for me anymore I just need to know so I can move on. I don't want to go to college hoping my feelings would return. Maybe the spark is just gone, Blaine."

"You don't know that."

Kurt sighed, leaning his head against the bed.

"Come perform with me at the park," Blaine tugged at his hand, excited.

"I don't know," Kurt trailed off, unsure.

"Look, I haven't performed in front of crowd since the Sadie Hawkins dance, and that was mini-concerts for our neighbors. I never performed in public with the Warblers, so it'll be a challenge for both of us. I'll talk to the manager," Blaine gave his best kicked puppy eyes and Kurt sighed, hugging his knees.

"Even if I still love singing what good it would do? They wouldn't accept someone like me. And I might as well kiss NYADA goodbye."

"Why do you think you wouldn't get accepted in NYADA?" Blaine asked in his shrink voice and it somehow frustrated Kurt.

"Well, aside from the obvious that they only accept less than fifty students all over the country and no way I'm that talented," Blaine made a sound to protest but Kurt continued, "I already blew off my audition once, no way they'll accept me."

"You can explain your situation and reason with them," Blaine offered.

"Yeah. Explain that I'm a depressed freak who tried to kill himself," he rolled his eyes, "that's sure going to win me some pointers. Look at me. I can't even feel when I sing."

"It actually is an advantage because it means you feel more than other people, so you'll give even stronger performances. I mean, I've heard you sing, and wow, I believe you were good enough to get that second audition and you can do it again."

The passion in Blaine's voice rendered Kurt speechless.

"Well, that was deep," Kurt said, tried to lighten the mood.

Blaine laughed and nudged him, urging him to get up.

"Come on, just sleep on it and try again later. Let's go to the mall. I'll even let you dress me up."

"Be careful what you promise, Anderson," he shot back but couldn't contain the excitement of the opportunity to find

"I'm not afraid of you," he stuck his tongue out, "I'm planning to buy some bowties for myself, so I need a second professional opinion."

"You have no idea what you agreed to," Kurt threatened, and laughed when Blaine visibly gulped.


	30. Chapter 30

"A sleepover? Again?" Kurt sighed after getting the text from Tina. He dialed her number and shortly after the first ring she picked up the phone.

"Hi Kurt," she started sweetly, but Kurt wasn't going to be fooled so easily.

"Why are you planning a sleepover? That's what, the fourth time in past two weeks?" he scowled, even though Tina couldn't see it.

"This one is going to be with boys," she told excitedly.

" _I'm_ a boy," he began but Tina cut him off, "you know what I mean," she giggled, "it's going to be so great. We haven't had that many sleepovers last year. And now we're making up for all the times we've lost. Right now, the majority of glee kids have graduated and most of them have moved out. So, isn't _now_ the time to make great memories together?"

"I guess," Kurt told unsurely.

"So, which day is better for you and your schedule? Say the word and I'll spread the news."

"I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

"That's why I texted you first so you could give an okay for tomorrow night. We want to see you more."

"Tina, I don't want to have another interrogation."

"I know, I know. This is going to be us just being friends and having fun."

"Well that's a relief," he joked.

"You could bring Blaine if you want to," Tina said ruefully, "I know you ditched him a lot for us last week. So maybe you could include him. Our first impression wasn't all that great and we'd love to get to know your man in a friendlier setting."

Kurt knew this was bait. He also knew this was a bait he would end up taking. He and Blaine had only had one sleepover and that was spent in comforting a very broken down version of Kurt.

"He's not my man…" he argued but Tina didn't talk. He sighed, resigned. Tina would do well in marketing or FBI, he thought randomly, she could persuade anyone to do anything.

"Okay, fine. We'll have a sleepover."

He could still hear Tina's excited claps and plans she was brainstorming in a speed that could rival Rachel going on a rant when he hung up.

Not five minutes later, his phone rang again. Speak of the devil herself.

"Hello Kurt," she told softly. Before Kurt could open his mouth she started talking.

"I'm so sorry. Tina told me you were planning to have a sleepover tomorrow."

"Well, that was fast," he managed to cut in.

"I listened to Quinn's recording of that day at Lima Bean and arranged her to give me a daily report on the activities all of you did. I'm really sorry that I'm not going to be there," Rachel's voice broke on the last word and all of a sudden the line went quiet except her sniffles.

"Oh Rachel, sweetie. It's all right. I'm alright, I promise."

"It just sucks, you know. I really wanted to fly back for a few days but there's this stupid orientation and the flight tickets are so ridiculously expensive. It's not fair. I want to see how you're doing."

He spent about an hour comforting his girl and assuring her that he was doing okay. Rachel didn't hang up until he'd given a full story of events on summer. He ended up telling her a little of his sessions with his therapist.

Immediately after hanging up a similar conversation took place with Mercedes. Kurt would be lying if he told the phone calls didn't warm his heart and made his eyes tear up.

He called Blaine right away to tell them to ask permission for staying over. For some reason, not half an hour later, the boy appeared on his door with a large folder of music notes and a pack of Cheetos.

"These are the songs we could sing for the amusement park," he pointed to a quite large stack of notes he'd separated from the others, "those with stickers are my favorites and the ones with a star are a real crowd pleaser."

Kurt flipped through the pages, looking at the title of the songs. The ones that caught his eye were P!nk's "Fucking Perfect", a huge collection of Katy Perry and Maroon5. No way they'd be able to perform any of those and survive.

"Blaine, I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Of course not. They're the boring and safe choices. I have crazy ideas too. For example, we could do a Christmas-y song. Like, stand there in the warm sun with coats and scarves and sing about snow. We could sing "Let it snow"," he clapped his hands excitedly and then stopped mid-dance, his eyes twinkling. "Or maybe "Baby, it's cold outside"," he announced playfully, wiggling his eyebrows.

"But baby you'd freeze out there," he sang, looking expectantly at Kurt, wanting him to accompany. Kurt refused and sat back on his bed, trying to look busy.

"It's up to your knees out there," Blaine continued serenading anyway. The short sleeved t-shirt he was wearing made a comical contrast with the fake-shudder he made at the supposed coldness of the weather as the song suggested.

This one sided duet continued until Blaine sang, "Boy, your lips look delicious," which caused them both to blush and Blaine stopped singing.

"See, Kurt. Stop thinking boring thoughts. Think outside the box."

"Well, I have this very vivid vision of singing "Born This Way" in front of a large crowd," Kurt mused. "But better not aim for something big."

"We'll sing it," Blaine promised solemnly, leaving Kurt speechless.

* * *

When Kurt and Blaine arrived, the music blaring in what Kurt recognized as Tina's special playlist. Quinn's mother had agreed to let them stay at her house and put their sleeping bags in the living room on two conditions, no loud noises after twelve o'clock and absolutely zero alcohol, much to Puck's dismay. So, they were using the hours to midnight to sing and dance as loud as they could.

"Hey Hummel, you wanna do the whole "I'm going to miss you guys" and "you're all so awesome" for this party again?" Santana greeted, mock-toasting with her coke.

"So funny, Satan," Kurt laughed humorlessly, "But first of all, this isn't a party, it's a sleepover. There's going to be no alcohol involved. Secondly, I never said any of that and third, do you want me to remind you what you did that last time you got drunk?"

Santana turned white as sheet, which was far from the usual behavior for her. So Blaine concluded that whatever dirt Kurt had on her was capital B bad.

"You wouldn't dare," Santana called out, scurrying away.

"I'm really sorry about them," Kurt rolled his eyes, "they usually act like a bunch of idiots when they meet somebody new. You're lucky you're not an official member of rival team or you'll be sent off to a crack house and don't get me started on the dating history of this club."

"And I repeat, your friends are not that bad," Blaine shrugged, offering him a can of diet coke from the table.

"You're seriously not creeped out by them?" Kurt mock-gasped, "it makes me wonder, what kind of friends do you have?"

"Well, last year my roommate was this control freak, Wes. He and his best friend, David were basically a married couple. They were practically joined at hip. Then there was Jeff and Nick. All of them were close friends, and I mean close like, every night was basically a movie night at our room and they wouldn't leave until curfew. I would make myself scarce when they were around. But, I think after Wes found out that I had nightmares they kind of adopted me to their group."

"They sound amazing. How come I've never met them?" Kurt wondered aloud and immediately shut up. Maybe Blaine didn't want them to meet _him._

"Wes and David have graduated last year and Jeff, Nick and I weren't that close and drifted apart."

"Okay, guys. Enough making out," Santana placed herself between them. "It's time for truth and dare," Quinn announced, joining them on a couch, with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

After sitting down in a circle, Quinn claimed that since she was the host, she had the privilege of doing the first spin. The bottle landed on Kurt.

"Dare," Kurt blurted out. No way he was letting Quinn do another round of Spanish Inquisition on him in front of everyone.

"I dare you to tell us how you and Blaine met?"

"Yeah, we'll need it on your wedding," Sam told.

"Or for making a television series called "How I met your father"," Artie quipped in.

Kurt threw a desperate look at Blaine's direction before taking a deep breath and slowly talking, as if testing each word.

"Well, I met him on the street. We had sat on the same bench and got to talking."

"That's it?" Tina asked, disappointment apparent in her voice.

"You talk to whoever sat next to you on the same bench?" Quinn asked suspiciously. Kurt nodded.

"Well, I answered your question. Could we go on, please?"

They played a few times. Santana stripped down to her underwear for two rounds and Finn was dared to eat a very leftover food Quinn found at the bottom of their refrigerator. They found out that Sam was still a virgin and Artie had once kissed a boy.

Blaine turned the bottle and after a moment it landed on Kurt. Puck whooped.

"Okay, Kurt," he rubbed his hands together, "truth or dare?"

"Dare"

"I dare you to randomly pick up a song from Tina's playlist and perform it for us."

Kurt threw him a dirty look and Blaine kept his expression innocent. He played shuffle and connected the device to the speakers. The music started playing.

"I don't know this song," he stammered after recognizing the intro almost immediately.

"Single Ladies? Come on, Kurt. We know how much you love this song," Brittany asked, baffled. "Don't you remember that time we sang it together?"

Kurt pressed the next button, face growing hot. Again, the same song played.

"Why are all the songs on the playlist Single Ladies?"

"The fates have spoken, Kurt," Tina smiled, all teeth showing.

"Get up, you're amazing," Blaine encouraged, pushing him towards the makeshift stage.

After a few more not so gentle pushes to the stage Kurt performed and received several whistles and standing ovations, mostly from Blaine, who for some reason was as red as tomato. Kurt wondered if that had anything to do with the fact that Santana was sitting beside him. The game lasted only for a few more rounds. Puck had been dared to tell the truth on how many teachers he's slept with which surprisingly turned out to be none and a very flushed Quinn admitted that she'd rather sleep with Santana out of all the girls in the group.

They were once again settled on the couch, sharing a plate filled with snacks.

"I considered doing this, you know," Blaine nudged Kurt's shoulder, "when I wanted to get to know more about you. But, I couldn't always carry a bottle with me every time I wanted to know something about you."

"Hey, Kurt. I think I'm burning Tina's hair with this curling iron," Santana called him from the other side of the room, causing Kurt to run to her side. Blaine watched him move the iron and blower expertly around Tina's hair, inspecting the damage.

He jumped up when a hand clapped his shoulder.

"Woah dude, chill. It's just us," Finn said, retracting his hand immediately.

"Okay, so Kurt is obviously keeping it so hush hush from us. So, we're asking you. What's the deal with you two?" Artie asked, frowning and trying to look as threatening as he could.

"What do you mean?"

"He means have you nailed Hummel?" Puck rephrased, but when Blaine's face still remained baffled Sam translated, "Boyfriends?"

"No, we're not boyfriends. I mean, I guess he's my friend who's also a boy. But we're not together," he clarified.

"Well, what are your plans towards our boy? What do you think of him?"

"I think he's amazing and brave and I'm honored to be his friend," Blaine told, a slight smile on his face as he caught a sight of Kurt yelling something at Santana, "and I don't have any plans whatsoever other than being his friend."

"Well, that's good, I guess," Sam said, looking questioningly at the group.

"But, if you hurt our boy in any way, all of us will hunt you down. That's a promise," Puck growled and the boys nodded solemnly. They scattered when Kurt approached, each giving Blaine a strong pat on the back.

"Tina's hair was fine," Kurt slumped down on the couch, his feet placing themselves on Blaine's lap.

"If I'm not mistaken it was a trick to get to know me more," Blaine winked, "they even suggested we were boyfriends. Can you believe that?"

"Yeah, no, what a joke." Kurt laughed, but Blaine could detect a hint of something in the laugh that was forced.

"But, hypothetically," Kurt told after a few minutes of silence, "you wouldn't be, would you? My boyfriend, I mean."

"Well, of course not. Come on, look at me," Blaine gestured at himself, nose scrunching up.

"Yeah, right," Kurt said distractedly, his face getting red, "you're right. Sorry, I think Brittany's calling for me."

He jumped up from his seat and never approached Blaine more than it was necessary, striking up conversations with girls and leaving him to talk to boys. When it was time to sleep, Blaine opened his arms, a silent offer or plea, maybe, to cuddle, or as he eloquently put "I don't have my teddy bear. Be my Bamse, Kurt!", but Kurt drew his sleeping bag further and turned away, pretending he was asleep.

* * *

"Why don't you sit down, Blaine?" the therapist asked him kindly.

Blaine looked at the armchair for a few seconds before remembering what he was supposed to do with it.

"How's your new job going?"

"Great," he smiled, "the kids are awesome."

"And what about the adults?" she asked with a meaningful look on her face.

"I'm working on that," Blaine squirmed in his seat, and upon therapist's inquiring look, he continued, "last week there was this little girl who came in with her mother, asking me to give her a different color balloon, and it just, I was nervous. It didn't help that she seemed to be a businesswoman, who looked bored as hell to be there, much less argue about the color of a balloon,"

"Why did you feel nervous?"

"It just…I felt like I was judged for my every move," Blaine struggled to make himself clear.

"Why would she judge you?"

"I could mess up."

"Mess up how?"

"I could give her kid the wrong color again or I'd say the wrong price. Maybe I wouldn't calculate the correct amount of change or swear in front of the kid and ruin her childhood forever," Blaine rubbed his eyes, feeling suddenly tired.

"Blaine, you know that this is you looking for… "

"Approval? Yeah, I know. And I never going to get it, because I'm only seeing my flaws so I need reassurance that I'm doing good, because I'd never approve myself," Blaine explained. He knew the drill, but he couldn't make himself believe it. That he couldn't please everyone. That there might be people who didn't like him.

"You don't feel like what you're doing is enough. But, you see, if you get ninety-nine out of a hundred it won't be a zero,"

"And no one is judging me more than I am judging myself," Blaine smiled wistfully. _That,_ he believed was true.

"You know, I've noticed that people are living their lives easier than I am. They don't read behind every move and word. It's just…so carefree and relaxed."

Susan nodded and wrote something on her notebook.

"So, I'm going to give you an assignment, I want you to try to talk to one adult other than your parents every day. Challenge yourself. And remember that you're only a human and can make mistakes, and no one will think any less of you," she said.

"I went to Kurt's house and met with his family the other day."

"That's great," Susan said, urging him to tell more.

"But he wasn't there and I didn't know that, so first I met Finn and Carole. We baked some cookies. It was fun," he smiled.

"Then Mr. Hummel arrived. It took a lot of effort, to stay there. But, I remembered what you said about challenges and did it. I stayed and I had fun."

"That's really great, Blaine. I'm proud of you,"

Blaine beamed at her. He liked it when he could make people proud, especially his doctor.

"How's your relationship with Kurt?"

"Sometimes it's hard. When he's upset, or when I haven't heard from him for a while, I get anxious at night."

"How come?"

"I worry about him. And sometimes I can't stop myself and just touch his arms and gauge his reaction," he looked down, preparing for the scolding.

"Why would you do that?"

"To see if he has self-harmed."

"Blaine…" Susan sighed and Blaine jumped to explain himself.

"I couldn't see the signs that took away Ron. But now, I know better."

"You have to see what's underneath all the feelings of sadness you feel over losing Ron. He and Kurt are two very different people. It's not fair to Kurt or you, to always compare them in your mind."

"But he hasn't been eating well. He had just told his friends about his suicide attempt. That can't be healthy," Blaine tried to reason.

"Kurt has a therapist and an attentive family. So, why don't you do your job as a friend and let me handle his issues?"

"You have to find out what you actually feel when you're not worried that something bad is going to happen to Kurt."

And for some reason his mind replayed the kiss. Blaine felt a slight blush coloring his cheeks and smiled at the memory.

When Blaine came out of the room, he didn't go downstairs to wait like other times, instead he turned around in the waiting room and enveloped a very surprised Kurt in a bone crushing, four minute long hug.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great," he beamed.

* * *

"That's really great that you took the first step in thinking about your future. How do you feel about that?"

"Scared, nervous. I don't know if this dullness I feel towards performing is temporary or it's how I'll always feel."

"Well, what do you think?"

"I don't know. I mean, yesterday I performed for a bunch of glee kids and it felt…different than the last time. It felt less numb. I could feel a tinge of excitement but what if that's it? That's all the progress?"

"Isn't this you being perfectionist again? That you either have to be all emotions and excitement and if you're not then you're numb and not enough for studying performing arts. You're going through an emotional trauma, Kurt. Of course your feelings aren't what they used to be when you were younger. You have more issues on your mind."

"I'm just not sure. I don't want to pursue something that I'd end up hating."

"And I'm not saying to dive headfirst to sending out applications. I want you to think about what you really want. Not what old Kurt wants, but what, right now, it's pleasing to you."

Blaine had insisted on going home alone, saying there was some things he needed to think about, so Kurt drove home by himself.

He heard several shorts knock on the door, and was surprised to find Blaine there, looking disheveled.

"Were you mugged?"

Blaine ignored his jab completely, shuffling from one foot to another.

"Okay, so I already had a perfect speech planned out, telling you how much you mean to me. But, I was stuck in the bus for nearly an hour and before I knew it there was a three year old kid on my lap and I think I have some dog pee on me and the kid stuck her lollipop in my hair at some point,"

"So, I forgot all that great speeches and how you're that thing, that force, I was looking for a hell of a long time, but it boils down to this. Be with me?"

"I figured it didn't mean anything. Like drunk kissing your best friend, and then I was terrified to admit that I have feelings for you. So, I convinced myself that it didn't mean anything. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."

"So, how about a date?"

* * *

Hiding behind living room's couch and armed with a binocular, Finn flipped open his phone to type up the words.

"It's done. They're together."

The reply came instantly.

"Freaking finally. Are you sure, though?"

"Yeah, dude. The things they're doing right now is not platonic best friend-y behavior, even for their standards," Finn smiled.

"Come on. Tell me all the dirty details. What are they doing? Do they have their clothes on?" Cooper asked.

"Dude, that's my little brother you're talking about," Finn texted back, blinking his eyes but not able to get rid of the mental image fast enough.

"And he's going to date _my_ little brother. So, I think we're brother in-laws or something."

"Cool."

Finn smiled and then decided on what to send in his mass text to all of the members of New Directions.


	31. Chapter 31

To Blaine, coming to the conclusion that he wants to be Kurt's boyfriend came easily. All it took was the nudge his therapist gave to the right direction and voila, he caught himself relieving memories of staring at Kurt's face, lips, his very defined body when they exercised together at gym. Once he got past the childish façade he kept everything in, it all was as bright as day. He felt so at peace and geared up, and honored, to be Kurt's boyfriend. Kurt was kind, witty, brave …and overall just amazing. Besides, Kurt knew him and his insanity and to have someone accept him to that degree was more than he could ever ask for.

During the bus ride to his house he thought a lot about whether he would be willing to take the risk of losing Kurt as his best friend in case everything goes wrong. Thinking wasn't an easy task to do on a bus, with a child placed unceremoniously on his lap and a dog barking ceaselessly from its owner's bag. But, he was giddy with excitement at the conclusion, the butterflies river dancing in his stomach. So when the bus reached to the stop close to his home, he sat there until it did a whole round and came again to his home, the therapist's office and then he got off a stop before Kurt's house. He later found out that he could've just gotten off the bus and rode in the opposite lane, but he was far too excited to think about silly little details like that.

Everything worked out. Kurt had agreed to a date, and now, Blaine was going to make it the best date _ever._

* * *

Burt was going nuts and the reason was, to no surprise, his one and only son. But, even so, Burt found himself making up excuses to get home from work earlier each day to be around the ray of sunshine and whirlwind of happiness his son has become. Over the past days, he'd heard more than he ever cared to admit about this boy, Blaine, than his ears could take. How they'd deciding to have their first official date in amusement park and all the meetings they had prior that counted as "test" dates.

To say that Kurt was being extra happy was an understatement. He'd been dancing around the house, singing Jackson Five's ABC, which was the duet he and Blaine decided to perform for the kids in the park. He had sung it enough to make Burt's ears hear that song even when Kurt wasn't singing it.

It was easy to be around this Kurt. No awkward silences, no checking to see if his son was alright, because it was damn obvious that he was at the top of the world. Burt didn't want to be a bad father, but he knew Kurt. He was loyal to his friends and fierce in his emotions. That's why Burt didn't want to see him hurt over this boy. His boy had been through hell in high school and Burt knew he was kept in the dark from majority of it. Then, finding his boy wanting to die, it had been a huge wake up call. So, Burt promised that he was going to watch his boy and make sure he got to know Blaine better.

When Burt had voiced his thoughts to Kurt, he'd rolled his eyes and said they weren't officially on an item.

"Remember son, you promised…"

"After the first date, I'll invite him to dinner or lunch to officially meet you," Kurt cut him off, barely able to hide his smile and Burt patted his back affectionately.

It was good to get his Kurt back.

* * *

It was the perfect day at the amusement park. Blaine had shown Kurt around, they've gone on a few rides and had eaten a decent amount of junk food. Now they were peacefully walking around in the crowd, watching the games and talking. Blaine stepped closer and took Kurt's hand. Kurt smiled hesitantly.

"You know I like holding hands with you, but won't they get suspicious or say something nasty to us?" Kurt asked, looking warily at the crowd.

"Look around," Blaine moved his hands. "There are only kids here."

"You know what I mean," Kurt told him with his best "no jokes" expression, "they have their parents with them and this is Ohio. Which means they're probably thinking we're purposefully trying to corrupt their children's minds."

"Well," Blaine mused thoughtfully, "I can pretend that I'm blind and you're leading helpless old me to safety."

To demonstrate, he stood straight and stared ahead, grasping Kurt's hand firmly in his.

"Don't be disrespectful to blind people," Kurt scolded.

"I'm not. I'm just using it as an excuse to hold your hand in public."

"Wait. Does that make me your Seeing Eye dog?"

Blaine stared unseeingly ahead and casually slapped Kurt's ass.

"Blaine," Kurt jumped out of Blaine's reach, scandalized.

"Oops. Sorry, my bad," Blaine said in thick accent, "can't see, remember?" he wiggled his fingers and Kurt took his hand tentatively, keeping his ass well out of reach, which made Blaine pout.

At that moment Kurt's phone alerted for a text message. The phone was in his right pocket and Blaine was holding his right hand and was refusing to let go. Finally after some maneuvering he got the phone out. It was an advertisement, which made Kurt huff in frustration.

"Hey, Kurt. What's this?"

Blaine gestured to his background photo, which at the moment was an artistic picture of two boys kissing.

"It's a photo," Kurt said, blushing.

"I can see that. I can also see what they're doing. I didn't think you were the type to keep these kinds of photos on your phone."

"Come on, it's not like I keep porn in my phone." Kurt laughed when Blaine gasped in shock and covered his ears. "We're not going to have the birds and bees conversation with you, right?" he teased.

"Well, I was hoping for a different version of the Talk eventually," Blaine said mischievously, "but sure, go ahead. How are the babies made?"

"Yeah, Blaine. Maybe that would be something to tell the kids today," a voice came out of nowhere, snapping Kurt and Blaine out of their reverie.

"Sebastian!" Blaine exclaimed cheerfully, shaking the boy's hand gleefully, "I didn't think you'd make it."

"Hi sweetie," Blaine told the bundle that threw herself to his arms.

"Kurt, this is Sebastian. And this cutie is his sister, Danielle. Everyone," Blaine held Kurt's hand high, spinning him, "this is Kurt."

The little kid, who looked no more than seven years old, clung to Blaine's side, making his head bow in her weight. Her brown curly locks were bouncing around and she looked up at Kurt with big eyes.

"So this is the _monsieur_ who's supposedly correcting my mistakes," Sebastian said with a touch of annoyance in his voice.

It took a moment for Kurt to realize what he was talking about. It seemed like ages ago, when he was waiting in Blaine's room and out of boredom had corrected a few mistakes of a paper he'd seen written in French.

"Oh"

"My mom, who teaches French in Dalton is less than pleased that a public school boy had found mistakes in my writings."

Anger and annoyance bubbled inside Kurt.

"Well, you just have to live with that, don't you?" he sneered.

Danielle interrupted, oblivious to the tension going on.

"Mr. Kurt, are you Blaine's boyfriend?"

"Well, Danielle. I haven't asked him yet," Kurt looked away from Sebastian, schooling his face into a smile.

"I like you. You're pretty. You'll be good for Blaine," she said matter of factly, "you should be his boyfriend."

He looked up at Blaine and saw that his eyes were sparkling in excitement and something else he couldn't identify.

"Well, if you say so," he replied, sharing a smile with Blaine.

They went on another round of trips and Kurt was surprised to find the gentleness which Sebastian talked and handled his sister.

It was close to their performance for the kids when Blaine's phone rang. Blaine looked at the screen, a smile appearing on his face.

"Hello dad," Blaine said cheerfully.

Kurt watched as color slowly drained from Blaine's face, his eyes lowering and turning hollow and his head bowed. Kurt took Blaine's free hand in both his own, trying to ease the tension gathering up.

When he hung up, Kurt know something was wrong.

"Kurt, I'm so sorry. I really have to get back. It's…it's…"

"Don't worry," his reply was curt and reassuring.

"You can do your duet with Sebastian, I'm sure my manager would understand," Blaine offered.

Kurt nodded.

"It's okay. You just go home."

He watched as Blaine ran, disappearing inside the crowd.

"We can do Britney Spears medley," Sebastian offered.

"Sure, singing about threesomes and drinking and having fun we boys is the exact message we want to convey to kids," Kurt told, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

They did a few test rounds of "ABC", surprised how they voices matched perfectly. Kurt's phone rang.

"Kurt," it was anxious, more like a plea and Kurt immediately sat straight, covering his other ear to hear better.

"Hey Cooper, what's up?"

"I need you to come here to our house. Blaine…"

"What happened?" Kurt asked in alarm, jumping up.

"He's locked himself in his room and is refusing to come out. I guess part of it was my fault for locking him inside dark closets when he was a kid."

"I didn't need to know that, Cooper," Kurt huffed, shaking his head, "I'll be there as soon as I can."

He said and hung up. He looked at Sebastian, already in custom, wondering what to say when Sebastian rolled his eyes and pushed him up from his seat.

"Just go. I'll handle it."

Kurt thanked him sincerely. First impressions can be deceiving, he thought as he unlocked his car.

He was in the car when his phone rang again.

"Kurt."

It was broken, helpless.

"Blaine, are you alright?"

"I…I don't think so. I waited for about half an hour to call so your show would be finished."

"I'm sure Sebastian did well on his own," Kurt said and there was a few beats of silence as Blaine processed the words.

"I'm sorry. I messed up big time."

"It's okay, really."

"Can you come here?" Blaine's voice broke again in the end.

When Kurt arrived to Blaine's house, he headed straight to his room. He found the door locked, so he knocked softly on the door.

"It's me," he whispered softly to the muffled sobs at the other side of the door.

He heard the lock click and let himself in. He could see Blaine sitting on the floor, right across the door. He was hugging his knees and sniffling.

"Dad just wanted to know when was the best time to get all of them out," Blaine gasped.

That was when Kurt noticed what was different. Blaine's room had changed. Gone with the teddy bears and shelves full of toys and balloons. All the pictures on the walls were removed.

"I was so happy when he started asking about my everyday activities. But all he wanted to know was when I'll be out for a long period of time to redecorate my room _according to my age,_ "Blaine spat the words.

"I even thought he cared, you know. That I finally met a boy I liked."

For the next two hours they played with a tea set Blaine found under his bed and drew lots of pictures to cover up the bareness of the walls. Blaine's colored pencils were gone too, so they had to do with the ones in Kurt's satchel. He started carrying all sort of weird things with him after getting to know Blaine.

Kurt was happy to see the cheer returning to Blaine's face and the tears slowly drying on his cheeks. Kurt allowed himself a bathroom break to get composed. When he got out, he found Blaine throwing what appeared to be his phone to another corner of his bed.

"I'm not doing anything," Blaine defended before Kurt could open his mouth.

At the same time a ping alerted a text message arriving. Kurt retrieved his phone from under a pillow.

_"Hello, Rachel. I'm Blaine, Kurt's boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend if he finds out I'm going through his texts."_

_"Hey Blaine. It's really nice to finally get to talk to you. Has Kurt left his precious in your hands?"_

_"Yeah, and I got super bored. I just wanted to check you were human and not just a number and picture Kurt randomly saved."_

_"And why would he do that?"_

_"To talk to himself, of course. Haven't you done it before? Sent yourself a text and replied to it? So I had to check if you were real."_

_"Ooh, a stalker boyfriend! I always wanted one of those. It's good for my stardom."_

_"I'm not a stalker boyfriend. *sticks tongue out*"_

_"You so are, *sticks tongue out back*"_ was Rachel's last response that Kurt's phone had received.

Kurt looked up to meet Blaine's guilty gaze, trying to hide behind his pillow.

"You are amazing," Kurt said, unable to describe his boyfriend in any other words.

They ended up sitting snuggly in the bed, with their arms wrapped around each other. Kurt gazed at Blaine's eyes, getting lost in their depths.

"Thanks for a wonderful first date," he whispered.

Blaine smirked, about to say something but held it back. He traced a suddenly cold finger around Kurt's chin, moving up to his hair. Kurt felt himself unable to breathe.

"May I?" Blaine asked shyly, his breath ghosting over Kurt's lips.

Kurt smiled and nodded.

When they lips met, it wasn't firework. It was better…blissful, calm and brilliant. Kurt could feel his heartbeat going crazy. He wondered if his chest was going to burst with happiness. And when his hand hovered over Blaine's shirt, he could feel his heart beat loudly too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews make me infinitely happy.


	32. Chapter 32

"So, what happened exactly?"

"I fell…"

"Fell where?"

"Blaine, I already told you…twice. The story isn't going to change," Kurt rolled his eyes, sad that he couldn't get up and wipe the amused smile off Blaine's face.

"Please?" Blaine pretty much begged, looking at him with wide eyes.

"I fell off from the treadmill," Kurt sighed and then winced. Even _that_ hurt.

"That's hilarious," Blaine burst out laughing. Kurt sulked even more.

"I'm sorry," Blaine put his hands up in surrender at Kurt's death glare, "and what made you fall?" he asked mischievously.

"Texting my boyfriend, who'd be my _ex_ -boyfriend if he laughs one more time," Kurt looked in annoyance and Blaine mimed shutting his mouth and throwing the key away.

"So…how's everything with your dad?" he asked to change the topic and immediately wished he hadn't. He hated the way Blaine's face contorted in what appeared to be pain.

At that same moment, Finn thumped inside with a pillow in his hand, which he insisted on fluffing it before adding it to the many he'd brought every ten minutes. He watched as Blaine's mask began to fall back in his face, pasting a half hearted smile.

"Come on, Finn. Enough babying me," Kurt tried to brush his brother off.

"But dude, you can never have too many pillows," Finn replied, wide eyed to Kurt's complaints.

When Finn left, Kurt held Blaine's hand, prompting him to look up to his eyes.

"So?"

"He'd stored them away in our basement," he replied, "I thought he'd threw them away, you know. So, things could've been worse. But we're not talking, like at all. The dinner has gotten even more awkward than it was before. I don't know what to do." Blaine buried his face in his hands, his voice breaking.

"Maybe you could talk to your, well, _our_ therapist. Maybe it would do you some good if she could arrange a family therapy session." Kurt hugged the boy tight to his chest, ignoring the pang of pain that went through his spine.

"I don't think that's a really good idea," Blaine mumbled.

"Well, I didn't think that either. But, it really worked for me."

"Well, that's because your family isn't dysfunctional like mine," he snapped. "Hell, my family was already screwed before I went crazy. I looked up divorce in dictionary when I was nine. Cooper is fighting tooth and nail to get out of the house, but they don't allow him to stay at L.A. for long. And that leaves only me, in a too big house, alone."

"I get it, Blaine. I understand…" Kurt tried to comfort but was cut off by Blaine's angry word.

"You don't understand how it is, Kurt. I can't even call him dad anymore. When I think about him it's always by first name and when he didn't like being called like that, I started calling him "sir"," he rolled his eyes in disgust, "but he thought I was being respectful to him."

Blaine took a couple of deep breaths and exhaling forcefully to calm himself down. It was strange to watch the normally level-headed boy lose control of his anger like that. Kurt tried to relieve the tension in the boy's shoulders, rubbing the tense muscles.

"Yeah, it sounds like therapy is a good idea," Blaine said after a while, laughing humorlessly, "if I can even get him to come."

"Guys, do you have clothes on?" Puck knocked loudly on the door, covering over his eyes with the other hand. He and Sam entered the room, not seeming to notice they weren't in the most welcoming company at that moment.

"Finn told us to bring you this," Puck threw the pillow on the bed and climbed up, swaying lightly.

"We're going to play "Call of Duty: Black Ops" and we're one man down," Sam announced happily, "we were wondering if Blaine would like to come and play with us?"

"Well, I'm sorry guys. I'm busy taking care of my boyfriend," Blaine smiled, visibly cooling down. _More like the other way,_ Blaine thought to himself.

"Wait, is this taking care, one of those words in gay lingo?" Sam asked, confused.

"Gay lingo?" Kurt and Blaine asked simultaneously, their eyebrows shooting up.

"Well, yeah. Like, topping means who does who and…"

"Okay, that's enough Sam," Kurt cut Sam off a little breathlessly, blushing.

"Taking care just means taking care," Blaine assured him.

"Why don't you go play "WWE SmackDown vs. Raw" instead. It's a three player game as far as I know."

"You're a genius, Hummel. I could kiss you right now," Puck exclaimed happily, but then his mind seemingly caught up with what he'd said, "I mean, no offense, dude."

Blaine laughed whole-heartedly, shaking his head.

When Sam and Puck happily exited the room, chatting animatedly about the game, Kurt leaned over and whispered mysteriously in his ear.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say they're eavesdropping behind the door, waiting for the least appropriate moment to drop in." He stopped, actually thinking about it, "wait, that's actually possible."

A ping alerted an incoming message and with a little maneuvering and help from Blaine, Kurt managed to read the message and type out a reply.

"Is it Rachel?"

"Yeah?" he replied unsure what got Blaine so excited.

"Gimme the phone, please. I want to say hi."

Blaine takes the phone from him to text with Rachel. Kurt could hear him giggling and typing madly on the phone.

"I thought you said you'd be taking care of me," Kurt pouted.

"Oh, yes," Blaine replied, suddenly alert, the phone forgotten. "How could I forget?"

He places the phone down and crawls over in the bed. His hand is brushing softly against Kurt's collarbone.

For a moment, Kurt forgot how to breathe. It was a very different experience, kissing Blaine. His heart was already beating erratically. They're about to kiss when Burt interrupts.

"Hello, Blaine. I see that you're here," he said cheerfully.

"Yes, Mr. Hummel," Blaine moved further, much to Kurt's frustration, "I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not," he smiled and glanced at his son's flushed face. The smile soon changed into a full laugh.

"I was wondering if you could stay for lunch with us?" he asked instead.

"Well, I'd love to stay," Blaine replied, gulping with difficulty, "but my brother, Cooper, is waiting for me."

"Well, I insist," Burt told, leaving no room for argument. Blaine stepped out of the room to let Cooper know he'd be coming home late. Burt winked at Kurt, causing the boy to giggle. Dad was about to get his date, even if he and Blaine hadn't had an official one.

Kurt was moving slowly down the stair where Blaine reappeared.

"May I break out the office chair and wheel you around, my sire?" he asked in thick, made up accent.

"Yes," Kurt tried to hide the smile tugging at his lips, "yes, you may."

The lunch was noisy, with boys devouring anything Carole had cooked. Burt wasn't able to have lengthy conversations with Blaine as much as he'd liked, even though he tried to make a proper inquisition. And he called Blaine out to the living room after the lunch was over to put the fear of god in him or in Blaine's own words "scared the bejesus out of him". Then, he and Kurt helped out Carole with the dishes. It was afternoon when Blaine excused himself to get back to Cooper, which Kurt later found out had second lunch with his brother.

Kurt was lying down on the sofa, enjoying the calm and peace in the living room now that the boys had left. As if to contradict him, his phone rang. He glanced at the screen and frowned, not recognizing the number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kurt."

"Who's this?"

"It's Sebastian. Do you have a minute? I have a few French questions."

Sometimes Kurt wondered if there really was a gay lingo.


	33. Chapter 33

"Blaine," Kurt whined, shifting on the bed to glare angrily at the back of his boyfriend's head, who was sitting behind the desk. "It's summer. Why are you studying?"

"I told you already, Kurt," Blaine sighed, rubbing his eyes, rolling his chair around to face Kurt. "Dalton wants the students to be ready for the start of a new school year so it gives materials to read and study over the summer so we'd be ready and sharp. I've been neglecting it for far too long. I have to catch up."

"Dalton sucks," Kurt brooded. Blaine replied with a bitter laugh.

"So, I have to go to the gym on my own?" he asked.

"It seems so."

"But, it would be boring," Kurt whined again and was surprised to feel the tears gather up in his eyes. He wiped them away before Blaine noticed.

It was strange. It felt like Blaine's been abandoning him more and more lately, even if it was the beginning of their relationship. Wasn't this supposed to be the "honeymoon" era?

A wave of sadness washed over Kurt and he grew quiet. No longer feeling the obligation to talk, he sunk back to the bed. He stared at Blaine's room, which was bare and empty without its toys and silly photos and drawings he kept. Blaine's pen scratching on the paper was the only noise filling the room for some time.

Soon, his mind began to wander. Random thoughts that usually ended in death and bleakness filled his mind and the room felt stifling but he found himself unable to move. He closed his eyes and tried to use the techniques his therapist told, but for some reason they weren't working.

A soft hand was on his knee, rubbing it gently.

"Kurt, talk to me," Blaine pleaded.

"Are you going to break up with me?" he asked and ducked his head when he saw the surprise on Blaine's face.

"That didn't come right," he continued, "I know you are. So, just say it and get over with it."

"Kurt, what the hell are you talking about? Why did you deflate all of the sudden?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. Kurt moved himself out of Blaine's reach. He had a weird sense of being abandoned, even though he could swear it was new, it felt like he had been feeling like these for a long time. It was confusing. He wrapped his arms around his chest as the sudden chill swept over him.

Comprehension dawned on Blaine's face and he hugged Kurt gently.

"Did you forget to take your pills? You've been acting kind of melancholy since the moment you arrived."

"As a matter of fact, I did forget," Kurt says in amazement. He always carried extra ones in his bag in case of emergencies but he'd washed his bag yesterday and was using another one. So he didn't have them with him.

"Well, I just remembered that I did too. I woke up and was too caught up studying that I forgot to take them. When I saw you acting like this I suspected that we both forgot."

Blaine smiled at him and Kurt felt a pang of sadness because he couldn't feel the warmth in them. But, now, he knew it was _his_ problem and Blaine wasn't the one who planned to dump him. It was all a silly trick his mind was playing on him. The knowledge soothed him, in a strange way.

"Isn't it fascinating that you can actually sense from your mood that it's time from your pills? I mean right now I can feel my anxiety level creep up just from looking at the stack of books," Blaine pointed at the accumulated homework on his desk, "and I feel so tired and ready to give up. That's how I knew it's time for happy pills," he announced with a soft smile.

"Well Tina and Rachel have been over sharing that they can feel their period is about to start without you know…" Kurt stumbled around the words, "gross details aside, I think it's kind of the same. We remember how it was like before the pills and now when we don't take them, the feeling comes back, only it's more intense."

Blaine rummaged in his shelf for a few minutes, nodding. He grabbed four packets of pills, shaking them in victory.

"One dosage of Bupropion in the morning, right? Or did you forget your Sertraline too?"

"I kinda ran out of the house, hoping to have breakfast with you before going to gym," Kurt confessed.

"You didn't have breakfast?" Blaine asked incredulously.

Kurt shook his head and dutifully took a bite of the nutrition bar Blaine grabbed from his desk and sternly.

"You have to eat something before taking these," he gestured to the pills in his hand and left the room. He came back just as Kurt finished his food, carrying a bottle of water. He shook his head in a silent no as Kurt tried to take the medicine from him.

"There's nothing wrong with you. These pills are helping you relax for the time being so you could focus on getting better and being happy on your own," he said solemnly and kept his eyes locked on Kurt's until Kurt nodded.

"Now, open up," Blaine ordered cheerfully.

Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes, the warmth and the gentleness drowning him. A side of his mouth quirked up in a tiny smile and he accepted the pill. Blaine kissed his cheek, smiling at the warm blush that covered the spot.

Kurt took Blaine's drugs from the desk, one blue and two whites and did the same, his heart fluttering as Blaine give his fingers a fleeting kiss before slipping them in his mouth.

They took turns taking a sip from the bottle. Kurt felt shy around the suddenly intimate feeling that set in the room.

"Go fall into the routine. Have breakfast, exercise and the pills will start working soon," Blaine instructed tenderly, his words warming Kurt's heart like an embrace.

"At least come and give me a hug goodbye," he asked with a shy smile, opening his arms in invitation.

Blaine happily complied, hugging him tightly, rubbing his back in circles.

"Oww," he flinched when Blaine's fingers touched a bit too harshly over a particularly sore spot on his forearm. It was one of the few spots that still ached after his unfortunate fall from the treadmill. He'd made a mental note that the combination of him, texting and a treadmill wasn't the greatest idea.

"I'm sorry," Blaine apologized immediately, but a terrified look was on his face as Kurt closed the door and left the house.

Kurt slipped on the elastic wrist band before driving, replacing it with the one he'd braided for himself about a week ago. He'd researched far too many ways to braid a wristband than he would care to admit.

* * *

Kurt showered, had lunch and grabbed a few snacks in the record time before getting on the car and driving to Blaine's. He had met Sam at the gym and although the boy claimed it was purely coincidental, Kurt suspected it had something to do with Blaine.

When Kurt rang the doorbell to Anderson's household it was Cooper who opened the door, much to Kurt's surprise.

"You're still studying?" Kurt asked when he entered the room. Blaine was still in the same position he was when he last saw him hours ago.

Blaine looked up at him and Kurt saw relief wash over his features. Kurt approached the desk, moving over the snacks and the finished lunch plate and replaced it with the container he'd brought with himself. Immediately Blaine perked up.

"Cookies are the best invention, ever," he said with his mouth full, holding one cookie in each hand.

"How are you feeling?" he asked mid bite.

"Better," Kurt admitted.

"Good," Blaine smiled but somehow it wasn't the carefree smile Kurt was so used to seeing.

"What's wrong, Blaine?"

"I can't concentrate," he sighed, "I just…I can't do all this. I'm a failure," he banged his head lightly on the desk.

"You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to lack concentration," Kurt said sympathetically, moving over and massaging Blaine's tense muscles. He knew this feeling so well. Kurt had been stressed over passing his final exams so hard he wouldn't study at all. When he did study, it was usually the night before the exam, and he found he couldn't concentrate.

"I used to be so smart when I was a kid," Blaine sighed, "I could sit for hours straight and do all my homework. Now, look at me, I can't even focus on one sentence."

"You're still smart. You have so much more concerns than you had when you were a kid. That's why it's you should plan what you're studying and divide them into parts. Give yourself break every time you feel tired. But, the most important thing is not to blame yourself or think you're a failure."

Blaine nodded tiredly.

"Do you want to go out and grab something to eat? Ice-cream? Coffee?"

Blaine shook his head, claiming he wanted to give those math equations another shot.

"If there's anything I could do, just tell me," Kurt told.

"I would," he promised and Kurt settled on Blaine's bed, grabbing a random book, which thankfully turned out to be French History, and began reading.

"Kurt, would you mind taking your shirt off?" Blaine said out of blue, making Kurt do a double take and nearly drop the book.

"Excuse me?"

"Take your shirt off, please?" Blaine pleaded.

"Why? Do you have the sudden desire to see me shirtless?" Kurt laughed, but growing worried as Blaine only nodded.

"Why did you flinch when I touched you before?" he asked.

"It was the spot I fell from the treadmill," Kurt answered, unsure where the conversation was going. Blaine looked at him, accusingly.

"Just tell me the truth," he demanded, getting up from his seat and settling beside Kurt.

"Blaine, what's wrong?"

"Show me your arm."

Kurt rolled up his sleeve and revealed a tiny bruise. Blaine let out a shaking breath.

"I thought you'd…you hid it from me. Like him," he hiccuped.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I thought you were cutting," he said simply.

Comprehension dawned on Kurt and he couldn't help the harsh tone as he said.

"So that's why when you're practically groping me when we're hugging?"

Blaine looked down.

"Blaine, that's so messed up."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to defend our relationship."

He wanted to hit the pause, or rewind or fast-forward. Anything but this, anything but knowing that Blaine was with him out of pity. It has been a recurring fear of his. That Blaine really wasn't with him because of him. He wanted to make up for what was sealed in mind. That he had let down _him_. The friend who'd killed himself. That Kurt was only a replacement.

"I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, really," Blaine replied.

"Blaine. We should talk about it. It's not your fault that your friend committed suicide. But, most of all, you can't keep doing this. To me or to yourself," Kurt tried to rationalize. The last time the topic approached he decided to escape and it was two most painful days he'd experienced. He wasn't going to repeat that.

But, Kurt didn't know how to fix this. How to fix Blaine from believing that he had to save him.

"I'm with you and I protect you. But, who cares, right?" Blaine laughed humorlessly.

"You're with me only because you want to protect me? From what? Killing myself again? What are you going to do?" Kurt couldn't help the anger rising up in him.

"That came out wrong. I didn't mean it," Blaine said formally.

"I think you meant it," Kurt said brokenly.

His world was crumbling down again. This time it was worse. He would be losing not only his best friend, but his boyfriend too.

"I think it would be best that you leave for now," Blaine said, his voice drained of any emotion.

"I can't…"

A sob bit back all the words he'd been trying to say and he shook his head, leaving the room hurriedly.

Sometimes, no matter how much you hate it, you have to admit you've been wrong. Unless you're Kurt Hummel. You just let it build and eat you up. You blame. But, above all that pretense, you drown yourself in self-loathing so bad, it would finally drive you crazy.


	34. Chapter 34

Kurt stared angrily at the papers stacked in front of him. Everything was just so frustrating. He hadn't even looked at NYADA's website, only a relatively small university in New York that looked promising.

The upside of all the struggling was he finally came to a conclusion. He had to move out if he wanted to continue his education. That is if he didn't stay in Lima working in his dad's garage.

He didn't want to go to college but he didn't want to not go to college either. That way he'd be labeled as a failure and he couldn't have that. At least not for his family.

It was the same dilemma he would reach in sleepless nights. He didn't want to live but he didn't want to die either. Everything was just so so confusing.

He had to admit, Lima was driving him crazy. He couldn't walk in the streets without thinking someone was sneering at him. He'd flinch every time he saw a group of boys walking beside him and any loud noise would make him concerned. He'd be uncomfortable when he heard noises behind his back. His heart would beat like crazy when the street was dark, crowded… or empty. He wasn't in control of simple thing like walking in the city, how could he possibly thrive in here?

Now that his head was back in its place he couldn't believe he ever wanted to be anywhere else other than his dream city. He could feel himself long for the comfort it would provide there. Where you weren't constantly berated for who you were. Or at least, it would be better than what he had to suffer every day. In New York he wouldn't be the freak. Or even if he were, he would be in a sea of freaks.

All he had to do now was to think of extracurricular activities good enough for schools like NYADA. He had to update his fashion blog and most of all, he had to be ready to perform and get back in the game.

His phone rang and Kurt sighed, happy that he was snapped out of his confusing thoughts. He frowned and let out an annoyed huff when he saw the caller ID.

"Let me guess," he snapped, "you have another French question."

"Well, hello to you too." Sebastian's cheerful voice echoed in his ear.

"Hello Sebastian. What do you want?"

"As you pointed out, a few questions for the passage I'm writing."

"It's fifth time this week," Kurt bit back commenting further.

"I wasn't counting," he replied.

"You know, I remember you saying your mother was a teacher at Dalton."

"Aah, yes. But, she's on a trip to your Europe. Now, are we going to continue with the foreplay or are we going to get to the good stuff."

The thing was, Sebastian's vocabulary didn't bother him anymore. In a way, it kept growing on Kurt, like Rachel's personality or Finn's general cluelessness.

"Okay. Fire away," he sighed. At least it kept him away from thoughts of Blaine.

Blaine.

Blaine was…confusing, to say the least. He'd called, left voicemails and texted his apologies for about a day now. He even went to Blaine's house but no one was home.

And all he'd gotten was one single text that, "there's nothing to forgive."

Kurt had read the text so many times he was starting to see it everywhere he went. On the pages of a newspaper or even cereal boxes. What did he mean by that? Was their relationship over and Kurt had screwed up so bad that there's nothing left to forgive. Or maybe Blaine had forgiven him. If so, why was he getting a silent treatment?

But there was one thing that Kurt wouldn't allow himself to consider. That he'd been right all along. That Blaine was only with him out of pity and couldn't break up with him because he'd think he would kill himself or something.

There's nothing to forgive.

Of course there's something. And Kurt had blown everything out of proportion. He'd made a scene again at the mention of Ron, his insecurities getting in the way, when in fact, all Blaine wanted to do was to keep him safe. Now that he was thinking more clearly, Blaine's actions weren't any different from all the hovering his dad or Finn did.

Kurt was an idiot and Blaine wouldn't talk to him or even acknowledge his apologies. What should he do now?

"Kurt, are you listening to me?" Sebastian asked, annoyed.

"Yeah, sure," he mumbled distractedly and told the answer to Sebastian's question. He rolled his eyes. Even though the questions Sebastian asked gradually got more difficult he was still able to multitask.

Kurt was certain that he'd hurt Blaine's feelings and it wasn't something he could amend easily, even if he made "I'm sorry" cards.

"You seem upset."

Blaine didn't reply.

"Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

"No."

"Blaine, it's been almost thirty minutes you're here. Why don't you try and tell me what's wrong?"

Someone knocked on the door. When Blaine saw who it was, he sat up straight.

"Is it okay that I come in, Doctor Adams?"

Kurt stood unsurely in front of the office.

"Sure, Kurt."

"So, Blaine. Kurt had been talking to me about doing a couple's therapy. I told him he could wait outside so I could ask you if you're okay with that, but you barely talked today. So, I'm assuming something happened between you two."

"Kurt hadn't told you?" Blaine asked, sounding cold and detached.

"No, he wouldn't tell me. But he said it was important."

"I screwed up. You were right."

"Okay, Blaine. Why don't you start from the beginning? Last time we talked you told me your relationship with Kurt was going well."

"Yeah. It was," Blaine agreed.

"So what changed?"

"Kurt said that I was only with him to keep him from killing himself."

"Is that true?" Susan turned to Kurt.

"Well, I found out he's been checking me for signs that I'd been self-harming. Which was a huge shock to me. But, when I asked him if he saw our relationship as merely a victim-protector one, he asked me to leave."

"Blaine…"

"I don't know what to do anymore," Blaine threw his hands up in frustration. "I need to know that he's safe and yes, part of it is because I lost my best friend before but a huge part of it is because I care about him. He means so much to mean and I can't stand the idea of him being gone."

"But you're not going to lose me," Kurt turned to speak with Blaine. "I'm getting better and you're a big part of my improvement. But, I don't want you to constantly blame yourself, okay? I'm going to be fine."

"I know that. I'm just anxious," Blaine said helplessly.

"Maybe it would be best if we take a break, alright?" Kurt stated.

"Maybe if we take a step back and resolve our own issues, we would have a much better relationship. Blaine, you're sick and you can't keep brushing it off. I want to be helpful to your treatment and if I'm not…then I shouldn't be around you."

"But you're helping me."

"Yeah and how's that?"

"You give me purpose to live. Taking care of you is my purpose to live," Blaine stated simply.

Kurt took one look at Susan's face as if saying "see, that's what I'm talking about" and told, "that attitude right there is what I'm worried about".

"Kurt's right. It's not healthy to depend on someone to that degree. We have different coping mechanisms and we should be aware how each of them will affect us in the long term."

Blaine squirmed in his seat, but other than that remained silent.

"I don't think you should stay away from each other, like Kurt suggested," Susan told, "but I do recommend taking a step back to evaluate yourself and your role in this relationship. I will give you assignments from now on so you could learn how to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with each other."

Kurt held Blaine's gaze, silently asking him how he was with this plan and Blaine nodded.

"Blaine, why don't you start by trying to be less controlling? If Kurt doesn't call you immediately, it doesn't mean that something bad has happened to him."

"And Kurt, it's crucial for you to help and understand Blaine. Maybe telling him about your feelings more will help. You two are nice boys and I believe you can help each other."

They thanked Susan and exited the room together, their hands brushing each other. It felt good to finally have some contact, he'd missed hugging and touching Blaine.

"Do you have anywhere you should be in the next two hours?" Blaine asked, looking thoughtful.

"No," he replied.

"Come with me," he pleaded, taking his hand and leading him to the parking lot.

"I'll drive," he offered.

They drove for about forty five minutes, Blaine kept Kurt's hand on his knee and they didn't talk for the whole ride.

Kurt was surprised to find they were entering the graveyard.

"I know Susan said that I should be less worried about you and I will, I promise I'll work on that, but I want to do the assignment she gave you first," He smiled, his thumb circling on Kurt's palm.

"I want to be more open about my feelings and to do that, this is the place we should start," he said and suddenly stopped in front of a grave.

"This is where I usually come when I'm upset. I came here yesterday," he pointed in the grass in front of the grave.

"Kurt. This is Ron."


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, guys. The final chapter is finally up. It's been a hell of a ride with you guys and I'm grateful for all the reviews, follows and favorites you've given me. I'm also sad to inform that there isn't going to be a sequel to this story. You know the saying about the guests that overstay their welcome?
> 
> Okay, I have more to say. But, for now, I'll let you read the chapter and continue my chatters at the end of the chapter.
> 
> In the meantime, I would love me some reviews please!

"What do you mean, first date? It's not going to be our first date again, is it?" Kurt asked nervously, drawing a random pattern on the table with his fingers, while he held the phone in his other hand.

"Of course not. Our first official date was the graveyard one, remember?" Blaine joked.

"Yeah, right. How could I forget?" Kurt replied sarcastically but couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice.

Kurt was glad Blaine was able to joke about that day. It had been intense and a lot of crying was involved. But that's not what that had stuck in Kurt's mind.

Kurt was sitting on the grass, holding Blaine tightly to his chest. The reminiscences had started with the simplest thing, Blaine's deceased friend's hair color and how much he liked to joke. Then conversations gradually turned into difficult subjects like that night at the dance. Kurt tried to reassure Blaine that he didn't have to tell everything in one go, but it was as if the floodgates have opened and the words kept pouring out.

"I must have blacked out most of it," Blaine hiccupped. "But he was the one who stayed conscious and called the ambulance. He kept talking to me, telling me stories until his dad came."

And Kurt could do nothing but let Blaine cry and comfort him by being there for him.

"Why did you push me away the other day?" Kurt asked, using their newfound honesty to find out what had been bugging Blaine the most.

"When?" he replied, confused.

"That day we fought you asked me to leave."

Blaine had hung his head down in shame.

"It's dumb," he mumbled.

"Tell me anyway," Kurt comforted, squeezing his leg.

"I didn't want you to leave me so…it made sense at that time to get you away before the situation turned the other way around and you left me."

"But, I wasn't planning to leave you," he protested, "I was going to talk to you and get to the core of our problem. I'm very sorry that on our last argument I walked out, but that's not how it's going to be from now on. We're going to talk and be mature. If we need some time off, we'd just say it."

"Everybody is leaving me. Cooper is on his way to convince my parents to permanently stay in Los Angeles. My dad barely looks at me…All I have is you, and you mean the world to me, Kurt."

Kurt had been speechless and felt his heart swelled with happiness and affection for the brave, strong boy in his arms.

"So, what do you say? Should I pick you up at seven?"

Blaine's voice brought Kurt out of his thoughts.

"It's kind of a waste of time, don't you think? It would be more efficient that I came and pick you from your house."

"Nonsense," Blaine said, and Kurt could visualize him sticking his tongue out oh so clearly, "I'm the one that asked you out, so I'm going to be the one who should pick you up."

"Okay then, suit yourself. But I'm asking you out next."

"Deal," Blaine cheered.

Then, they went through the sappy couple-y argument of who would hang up first before hanging up the phone together.

"So, bro. Big day today! You and Blaine, huh? Officially going out?"

"Jeez, Finn. You scared the crap out of me," Kurt turned around to see Finn casually hiding behind the door, only his head visible.

"Wait, were you eavesdropping?" he asked, shocked.

"Yeah, it's kind of our thing. Cooper's idea," he hurried to clarify, "not to mention that Rachel will skin me alive if I don't give her updates on the status of you two."

"Wait, Cooper's idea? So you stalk us and give updates every time? We really need to stay out of the house. Both of them."

"Oh no, please don't," Finn begged, "you're so adorably sickening every time you feed each other ice-cream."

"You followed us there too?" Kurt exclaimed incredulously, "You two so need to get a life."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Finn sighed, "some of the customer's in the ice-cream parlor told us that. And some of them were kids."

Kurt shook his head at his brother's antiques. He really needed to warn Blaine about this brand new discovery.

"So, you and Rachel are talking again?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, dude. In a way it's thanks to you two. I missed talking to her or more like listening to her talk over and over about New York."

"Yeah, I feel your pain," Kurt told. Rachel was on talking steroids these days. She continued to talk about anything that came to her mind right to the moment they hung up.

Kurt's phone rang and he rolled his eyes, guessing it would be Blaine to continue their silly banter. His smile soon turned into a grimace when he found out it was Sebastian.

Today he didn't have time to waste over Sebastian, he decided. His questions and inquiries could wait for another day, Kurt thought, rejecting the call.

Now, he should go and plan the perfect outfit. This is going to take hours.

"So? What do you think? Too casual?" Kurt asked, twirling around to show off his outfit to Carole.

Carole was sitting in his bed, folding away the clothes Kurt had discarded. Before she had time to reply, Kurt nervously fidgeted with the lapel of his shirt, taking his shirt off to change for another.

"I'm going to murder Blaine," he muttered under his breath, buttoning the new shirt, "he won't tell me where we're going so I have no idea what to wear."

"Relax, Kurt. You're handsome and the clothes you're wearing right now are an amazing ensemble. I'm so glad to see you dressed in something other than your usual clothes."

"Yeah, first dates do that to you," Kurt told her, while styling his hair.

Carole took the hairspray from him and sprayed it to the back of his hair, where Kurt had trouble to reach. She turned him away from the mirror before he decided to change his outfit…again.

"Why are you so nervous? This is Blaine. That boy is crazy about you."

Kurt sighed and sat down, mindful of not wrinkling his clothes.

"I don't know. But today's date feels like a new beginning. We're more honest with each other and I think he wants to celebrate this milestone. And also, it's our fifteenth date. That's an occasion, isn't it?" he asked nervously.

"Don't worry. I'm sure it will turn out to be okay," she assured.

"I hope so. I guess I was just in terrible need of a lady chat," he smiled.

"So, any advice?" he asked, after giving himself the final once over.

"About boys?" Carole asked.

"Yeah."

"Just be yourself and have a good time. Oh, and don't eat onions or garlic, and if you do, make him eat them too," Carole winked, making Kurt laugh and relax.

Kurt was pacing in the living room. It was five minutes to six and he was nervous. Finn had left the room, claiming he was going dizzy and his sanity wasn't worth the gossip.

That left only him and his dad. Burt was flicking the channels on television but Kurt could feel his dad's gaze on him. There was a small smile on his dad's face that Kurt hadn't seen in a while. He was happy to see his dad so peaceful. He knew he had immensely worried him in the past months and now that he was better and doing normal teenage things, a.k.a. not rotting depressed in his room, Burt was able to relax.

Kurt heard the ignition of a car shut off and moments later, he heard the doorbell ring. He moved to open the door but Burt reached quicker and stood in front of the door, revealing a very nervous Blaine.

"Hello Blaine," his dad said with a huge grin on his face.

"Umm, yeah. Hi, Mr. Hummel…I-I mean, B-Burt… sir," Blaine stuttered.

Kurt would've laughed if he hadn't had the same treatment and that exact reaction from Cooper each time he picked Blaine up from his house.

"You two have fun. Kurt, I expect you home…"

"By eleven. I know, dad. You already told me."

Kurt said, frustrated and took Blaine's hand, leading him away from the house, before his boyfriend melted to the ground or peed himself.

"You have a '59 Chevvy Impala?" Kurt stared at the beauty parked in front of him, mouth hanging open.

"Yeah, my dad and I rebuilt it two summers ago," Blaine told casually, holding the car's door open for Kurt to get in. Kurt was gaping over the car that he didn't notice.

"So, shall we go? Or are you going to drool over my car?"

"I wouldn't dare drool on this beauty," he told honestly.

"Seriously, Kurt. It's just a car," Blaine argued.

"And you're saying that to the son of a mechanic," he replied, finally getting in.

"So, here we go. Our first date," Blaine told, the quiver in his voice revealing he was just as nervous as Kurt.

"I don't know why you insist on calling this a first date?"

"Because this is the first time I'm going to act all grown up and pull your chair and offer you my coat."

"How chivalrous of you," Kurt batted his eyelashes and giggled. "But, you pull my chair all the time and it's too warm to offer me your coat. Besides, I like you exactly as you are, so you don't need to act anything."

"But I want to do these things with you. I want to hold out the door and buy you flowers. Call me a helpless romantic, but I promise you'll be experiencing all the rom-com moments you've ever watched in every date we have from now on," Blaine told, his eyes twinkling with emotion, "as for being myself, don't worry a bit. I'm taking you to a Chinese restaurant. We're going to have lots of fun with chopsticks."

"You mean...annoying person," Kurt muttered under his breath. He'd mentioned before he had zero clue on how to eat food with chopsticks. He had no idea the confession would back come to bite him in the you-know-where.

They held hands in the car, which was a difficult thing to do, considering Blaine was driving. But, holding hand with Blaine was on the list of Kurt's favorite activities. At first, he was nervous that Blaine might not like it and think he was too needy and clingy. Kurt hadn't known how much he craved soothing and casual touches until Blaine entered his life, with his major need for touch and cuddles. They had started cautiously, like Kurt holding Blaine's hand to help him cross the street, but then his hand remained and when none of them protested, their hands remained intertwined.

Blaine stayed true to his word. He produced a bouquet of flowers from his dashboard and opened both the car's and restaurant's door for him. He pulled out the chair and even let Kurt have the bigger half of their shared cheesecake.

And when at the end Kurt reached for his wallet, Blaine stopped him. "Nah, I'm paying this time. My treat, remember?"

Kurt opened his mouth to protest but Blaine interrupted, "you'll get to do all these things if you want to. Just...give me this one time."

They drove back in a comfortable silent, Kurt's mind sleepy and he felt almost drunk in the blissfulness of the evening.

"So... I had a great time," Kurt told as Blaine followed him to the front door, shifting from one foot to another.

"Yeah, me too. Thank you, Kurt. It was in my top five days with you."

"Well, I bet it would be the first one soon. Because you forgot the last rom-com moment on your list."

"Oh? What's that?"

Kurt pecked him lightly and murmured against his lips.

"The kissing in the front porch."

"Oh," Blaine's breath came in quick gasps.

Kurt pulled him closer and deepened the kiss.

"I'm sure my whole family is watching behind the window but I don't really care," he smiled, pulling off from the kiss.

Blaine squeaked and moved away, scandalized.

"But, I care. I don't want your dad to give me the talk again."

"Why are you so scared of my dad?"

"Because he's your dad and I want to make a nice impression on him. I don't want him to ban me from your house," Blaine winked.

"You're ridiculous," Kurt laughed.

"Right back at you"

He was going to open the door when Blaine called out to him. At first Kurt thought he was going to do something romantic, like kiss him one last time but when he held out the phone to him, it took him completely by surprise.

"He told me to pass it over to you," Blaine shrugged, looking worried.

"Hello Kurt. It's so nice to finally hear your voice today," Sebastian told sarcastically.

"What do you want, Sebastian?" Kurt sighed, exasperated at the boy's persistence. Way to mess up a perfect date.

"Well, I'm sorry for trying to reach you to give you the good news," he bit back.

"The good news?" Kurt asked, perplexed.

"Yeah, my mother wants to talk to you. Hold on," Sebastian told and before Kurt had time to react a female voice chimed in the phone.

"Hello, Kurt," she said.

"Hello, Mrs. Smythe."

"So, I've only arrived in Lima for a few hours and Sebastian has been telling me all about his improvements in his French, all thanks to you and Danielle has yet to shut up about you and your boyfriend Blaine. So I thought I should talk to you for a proposition between us, oui?"

"Sure, ma'am."

"I want you to be my teacher assistant in Dalton. I understand that you're not going to college the following semester and having a Dalton Academy recommendation on your application would do wonders for you. So, what do you say?"

"I don't know, Mrs. Smythe. I don't think it's a very good idea. "

"Oh, don't sell yourself short. You taught some French grammar through Sebastian's thick head and mon fils, that's not the easiest thing to do."

"I don't know what to say..." Kurt stammered, his heart beating crazily in his chest.

"Your job is to prepare the homework and grade them. I'll assign some hours so you could stay and work on weaker students and you'll be my substitute if I can't make it to the class. Of course you'd be tested and new materials will be assigned to you so I'd know you'd be able to handle, but from the improvement I saw in Sebastian and seeing how all of those were solely on the phone, I believe you have a great chance in getting this position."

"Thank you, just...thank you. It would be an absolute joy to teach French for you," Kurt squealed, before hanging up and picking up Blaine in a hug and spinning him around.

For so long Kurt had wanted nothing more than say, "to hell with all of it" and close the book. But now, it felt as if he'd started a new chapter, a much happier chapter. The new chapter still had ups and downs, but he was getting better at dealing with them.

He had friends who'd seen him through his darkest days, a family who loved and supported him unconditionally. And of course, he had Blaine. Sweet, lovable Blaine, with his constant dramas, he was like a missing piece of Kurt's soul, making him complete and whole.

It was August 31th and all Kurt was worried about for now was how long he would be able to hold Blaine's hand before they reach Dalton's grounds.

"I love you."

Kurt's breath hitched in his throat and he hurried to answer.

"Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, the final author's note! It's been a blast being able to write this story. I seriously couldn't have done it without your support.
> 
> I apologize if some points of the story wasn't something you expected or seemed too bland, but the truth is, I'm writing entirely from my experiences and also I'm still a learning writer, not to mention English isn't my native language. Stuff that happened here to Kurt and Blaine is something I struggle with in every relationship I whether the person I'm with is with me for me or because they think I wouldn't handle their leaving.
> 
> So, on happier notes, I'm just amazed at your positive support and they gave me the courage to write. So, thank you. Thank you. And thank you!
> 
> You're all wonderful, everyone who reads this story. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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